Conversations With My Cat

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Him: “OMG OMG so hungry food bowl is empty feed me!”
Me: (Stumbling sleepily to the kitchen) “Okay, okay.”
Him: “Faster! Faster! So very hungry!”
Me: “Wait, what? You have food!”
Him: “Do not! Starving! Starving over here!”
Me: “Your food dish is half full!”
Him: “I’m sure I have no idea what you’re referring to. Now feed me at once! Hungry!”
Me: “What is this? What do you call this, then? Because to me it looks like your dish is half full of food.”
Him: “Is not! I’m starving here! Starving, I say! Feed me, you heartless bastard!”
Me: “Okay, okay! All right, already!” (Gets out bag of cat food)
Him: “Oh boy oh boy that’s food! You’re going to feed me! Faster, insolent human! Faster!”
Me: “All right! Calm down! Here you go!”
Him: “Om nom nom nom. This is good food! It’s a good thing you fed me. I was about to starve! And it would have been on your head!”
Me: “You know, I just played a trick on you.”
Him: “What’s that you say? What are these words you are speaking to me, interrupting my breakfast?”
Me: “I just put three little bits of food in your bowl, to make you think I was filling it up.”
Him: “Have you gone mad? Clearly this is not so. Look! My bowl is half full of food!”
Me: “Exactly my point. It was half full all along! I simply pretended to fill it, and now you’re eating!”
Him: “Are you on medication? Because if you are, I don’t think it’s working. Plainly, as anyone can see, there is now food in my bowl. Now leave me, human, so that I may eat in peace!”

96 thoughts on “Conversations With My Cat”

    • Me and my cat did too.

      Also, the conversation where I move the food bowl less than a foot to the side (so it doesn’t get in the way of people who like to do things like walk around my house) and my cat refuses to acknowledge that it exists. And tells me how STARVING she is and what a CRUEL AND HEARTLESS HUMAN I am for never feeding her.

      Reply ↓

      • Both of these.

        And the morning where I picked up our cats’ food bowls to clean them. In the five minutes that this delayed their breakfast, I had two cats dead of starvation.

        If you ask them, that is. Five minutes, they’re convinced that they’re wasting away to skin and bone and fur.

        Reply ↓

  7. I one-uped this to just shaking his food bowl so it gets rearranged. That’s enough to fool him now. Of course, his food bowl does have, “Psycho kitty – Qu’est que c’est?” written around the rim and little fish skeletons in the bowl. If I can see skeleton, he needs feeding. Otherwise it’s just shake and snicker.

    Reply ↓

  8. I one-uped this to just shaking his food bowl so it gets rearranged. That’s enough to fool him now. Of course, his food bowl does have, “Psycho kitty – Qu’est que c’est?” written around the rim and little fish skeletons in the bowl. If I can see skeleton, he needs feeding. Otherwise it’s just shake and snicker.

    Reply ↓

  9. Me and my cat did too.

    Also, the conversation where I move the food bowl less than a foot to the side (so it doesn’t get in the way of people who like to do things like walk around my house) and my cat refuses to acknowledge that it exists. And tells me how STARVING she is and what a CRUEL AND HEARTLESS HUMAN I am for never feeding her.

    Reply ↓

  12. Mine are much more evil about this.

    The Rep of the Cats: It’s time.
    Me: No, eat what’s there.
    The Rep: Pff, no! That’s OOOOLLLD food.
    Me: I just fed you two hours ago. It’s fine.
    The Rep: Okay. You’ll regret this.

    *15 minutes later, when I’m trying to eat a sandwich*
    “horkHORK BORK!”
    The Rep: Told you that you should have given us fresh food.

    Reply ↓

  13. Mine are much more evil about this.

    The Rep of the Cats: It’s time.
    Me: No, eat what’s there.
    The Rep: Pff, no! That’s OOOOLLLD food.
    Me: I just fed you two hours ago. It’s fine.
    The Rep: Okay. You’ll regret this.

    *15 minutes later, when I’m trying to eat a sandwich*
    “horkHORK BORK!”
    The Rep: Told you that you should have given us fresh food.

    Reply ↓

  22. They are working to develop…

    Thumbs.

    Beware, for if they do ever develop this advanced technology the will no longer need us long-nosed smelly can-openers for anything anymore!

    Reply ↓

  23. They are working to develop…

    Thumbs.

    Beware, for if they do ever develop this advanced technology the will no longer need us long-nosed smelly can-openers for anything anymore!

    Reply ↓

  24. Re: They are working to develop…

    While we do encourage this sort of thing (mittens are a good start 😛 ) … it won’t help the eventual triumph of the feline species.

    The only thing saving us now is that cats are extremely, tragically lazy. 😀

    Reply ↓

    • Re: They are working to develop…

      dont you mean “extremely, strategically lazy” meaning that they will drop to sleep at the most inconvenient place….Like the 3rd step from the top when they are the color of the stairs so you end up tumbling down the entire flight on your butt. Or in front of the front door so you step on them when you get home from work, thus setting off an alarm that would wake your dead aunt Mildred (the one who had 25 cats and was always crocheting things).

      My cats will actually BLOCK THE DOOR if food is not put into their bowl every morning. They could have a freeking mixing bowl of food and will glare at you and shout until you add food to it.

      Just proves that dogs have masters….cats have STAFF!

      Reply ↓

  25. Re: They are working to develop…

    While we do encourage this sort of thing (mittens are a good start 😛 ) … it won’t help the eventual triumph of the feline species.

    The only thing saving us now is that cats are extremely, tragically lazy. 😀

    Reply ↓

  28. I feed my fuzzy-butt twice a day, about a half cup each time.
    He’s figured out that if he eats all his food in the morning, he can whine to my fiance or roommate and get more food.

    “See? Mom is horrible, she forgot to feed me this morning! Bowl is empty!”

    They see the empty bowl and put more in. We did eventually figure out he’s doing this so it’s just funny now. But he totally put one over on them.

    I just don’t want him to get too fat, which he’d definitely do if left to his own devices.

    Reply ↓

  29. I feed my fuzzy-butt twice a day, about a half cup each time.
    He’s figured out that if he eats all his food in the morning, he can whine to my fiance or roommate and get more food.

    “See? Mom is horrible, she forgot to feed me this morning! Bowl is empty!”

    They see the empty bowl and put more in. We did eventually figure out he’s doing this so it’s just funny now. But he totally put one over on them.

    I just don’t want him to get too fat, which he’d definitely do if left to his own devices.

    Reply ↓

  30. Wow, I thought it was just my cat! But apparently it’s a cat “thing.”

    It’s really annoying when he’s meowing at top volume at 3 a.m. and I think someone has forgotten to feed him and I get up and see that full bowl. Then I want to kill him.

    Reply ↓

  31. Wow, I thought it was just my cat! But apparently it’s a cat “thing.”

    It’s really annoying when he’s meowing at top volume at 3 a.m. and I think someone has forgotten to feed him and I get up and see that full bowl. Then I want to kill him.

    Reply ↓

  32. Re: They are working to develop…

    dont you mean “extremely, strategically lazy” meaning that they will drop to sleep at the most inconvenient place….Like the 3rd step from the top when they are the color of the stairs so you end up tumbling down the entire flight on your butt. Or in front of the front door so you step on them when you get home from work, thus setting off an alarm that would wake your dead aunt Mildred (the one who had 25 cats and was always crocheting things).

    My cats will actually BLOCK THE DOOR if food is not put into their bowl every morning. They could have a freeking mixing bowl of food and will glare at you and shout until you add food to it.

    Just proves that dogs have masters….cats have STAFF!

    Reply ↓

  36. heh. I always think of it as the “cat food ritual”; the steps to show the cat that it is okay to eat the food.

    This really first occurred to me with a pot of cat-grass I had for my indoor kitty. I would keep it in the window to get sun, and would bring it down to give it to him. He would usually sit in the corner where I put the grass to beg for it. One day I forgot to put it back in the window, and the next day he sat in his corner, right next to the grass, to beg for it. I tried showing it it him and waving my fingers through it, but he just looked at me sadly. I had to pick it up, walk out of the room, turn right back around, walk back into the room, and put it down, at which point he ate it eagerly and happily. Thereafter I remembered to do the procession of the cat grass for him.

    See also pidgeon religion.

    Reply ↓

  37. heh. I always think of it as the “cat food ritual”; the steps to show the cat that it is okay to eat the food.

    This really first occurred to me with a pot of cat-grass I had for my indoor kitty. I would keep it in the window to get sun, and would bring it down to give it to him. He would usually sit in the corner where I put the grass to beg for it. One day I forgot to put it back in the window, and the next day he sat in his corner, right next to the grass, to beg for it. I tried showing it it him and waving my fingers through it, but he just looked at me sadly. I had to pick it up, walk out of the room, turn right back around, walk back into the room, and put it down, at which point he ate it eagerly and happily. Thereafter I remembered to do the procession of the cat grass for him.

    See also pidgeon religion.

    Reply ↓

  38. I have simplified this process by getting a food bowl with reservoir, so the food falls down mostly automatically. Now all I need to do is prod it with my toe to make fresh, new and different food appear. It is like magic!

    Reply ↓

  39. I have simplified this process by getting a food bowl with reservoir, so the food falls down mostly automatically. Now all I need to do is prod it with my toe to make fresh, new and different food appear. It is like magic!

    Reply ↓

  40. LOL. And one of my cats is really, really good at the zomg-i’m-starving routine because she had practice at being a genuine starving feral before I adopted her. She can inflict more guilt with one pitiful mew than most people’s mothers can inflict in ten years.

    Reply ↓

  41. LOL. And one of my cats is really, really good at the zomg-i’m-starving routine because she had practice at being a genuine starving feral before I adopted her. She can inflict more guilt with one pitiful mew than most people’s mothers can inflict in ten years.

    Reply ↓

  45. Both of these.

    And the morning where I picked up our cats’ food bowls to clean them. In the five minutes that this delayed their breakfast, I had two cats dead of starvation.

    If you ask them, that is. Five minutes, they’re convinced that they’re wasting away to skin and bone and fur.

    Reply ↓

  65. Oddly enough, I had the reverse of one the above caveats happen to me; my LDR dumped me because she had met someone else who didn’t live 350 miles away from her…

    *bookmarks for future reference*

    Reply ↓

  66. Oddly enough, I had the reverse of one the above caveats happen to me; my LDR dumped me because she had met someone else who didn’t live 350 miles away from her…

    *bookmarks for future reference*

    Reply ↓

  75. not so alien

    Just read Use of Weapons after hearing so many people go on about it. While it’s by no means a bad story, I was rather let down by it’s ‘alieness’. Granted, I might have had too high expectations. After your statement

    “The Culture novels are interesting to me because they are imagination writ large. Conventional science fiction, whether it’s the cyberpunk dystopia of William Gibson or the bland, banal sterility of (God help us) Star Trek, imagines a world that’s quite recognizable to us….or at least to those of us who are white 20th-century Westerners. (It’s always bugged me that the alien races in Star Trek are not really very alien at all; they are more like conventional middle-class white Americans than even, say, Japanese society is, and way less alien than the Serra do Sol tribe of the Amazon basin.) “

    I was hoping to be surprised by an imagining of a mixture of more truly alien forms of societies or lifeforms, but was presented with mid 20th century earth cultures, interspersed with some more conveniently advanced tech, but even a lot of of that was stuck around turn of this century (guns? tanks?). And one might have to read more of the novels, but so far, even the drones or ships are not anymore alien than, say, a denizen of Williamsburg.
    I know your point is more the Utopia of post scarcity society, but ‘imagination writ large’ should be more than the ‘otherness’ dial turned a nanofraction of a degree up from Star Trek.

    Reply ↓

  76. not so alien

    Just read Use of Weapons after hearing so many people go on about it. While it’s by no means a bad story, I was rather let down by it’s ‘alieness’. Granted, I might have had too high expectations. After your statement

    “The Culture novels are interesting to me because they are imagination writ large. Conventional science fiction, whether it’s the cyberpunk dystopia of William Gibson or the bland, banal sterility of (God help us) Star Trek, imagines a world that’s quite recognizable to us….or at least to those of us who are white 20th-century Westerners. (It’s always bugged me that the alien races in Star Trek are not really very alien at all; they are more like conventional middle-class white Americans than even, say, Japanese society is, and way less alien than the Serra do Sol tribe of the Amazon basin.) “

    I was hoping to be surprised by an imagining of a mixture of more truly alien forms of societies or lifeforms, but was presented with mid 20th century earth cultures, interspersed with some more conveniently advanced tech, but even a lot of of that was stuck around turn of this century (guns? tanks?). And one might have to read more of the novels, but so far, even the drones or ships are not anymore alien than, say, a denizen of Williamsburg.
    I know your point is more the Utopia of post scarcity society, but ‘imagination writ large’ should be more than the ‘otherness’ dial turned a nanofraction of a degree up from Star Trek.

    Reply ↓

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