Conversations With My Cat

Him: “OMG OMG so hungry food bowl is empty feed me!”
Me: (Stumbling sleepily to the kitchen) “Okay, okay.”
Him: “Faster! Faster! So very hungry!”
Me: “Wait, what? You have food!”
Him: “Do not! Starving! Starving over here!”
Me: “Your food dish is half full!”
Him: “I’m sure I have no idea what you’re referring to. Now feed me at once! Hungry!”
Me: “What is this? What do you call this, then? Because to me it looks like your dish is half full of food.”
Him: “Is not! I’m starving here! Starving, I say! Feed me, you heartless bastard!”
Me: “Okay, okay! All right, already!” (Gets out bag of cat food)
Him: “Oh boy oh boy that’s food! You’re going to feed me! Faster, insolent human! Faster!”
Me: “All right! Calm down! Here you go!”
Him: “Om nom nom nom. This is good food! It’s a good thing you fed me. I was about to starve! And it would have been on your head!”
Me: “You know, I just played a trick on you.”
Him: “What’s that you say? What are these words you are speaking to me, interrupting my breakfast?”
Me: “I just put three little bits of food in your bowl, to make you think I was filling it up.”
Him: “Have you gone mad? Clearly this is not so. Look! My bowl is half full of food!”
Me: “Exactly my point. It was half full all along! I simply pretended to fill it, and now you’re eating!”
Him: “Are you on medication? Because if you are, I don’t think it’s working. Plainly, as anyone can see, there is now food in my bowl. Now leave me, human, so that I may eat in peace!”