Or one old ghost, more accurately.
Her name is Robin. She was a girlfriend, eleven-odd years ago. In fact, she lived with us, when we first moved to Tampa.
Things ended badly, in no small part because of my own insecurities. At the time, I had this idea that I was somehow magically immune to jealousy; when I started feeling insecure in my relationship with her, I didn’t recognize the feelings for what they were, and as a result I was very cruel to her.
Our relationship disintegrated over a period of six very painful months. The repercussions of that failure helped shape many of the rules and structures of my relationship with kellyv, structures which have been in place until the last year or so.
A great number of my personal philosophies about relationships, communication, and conflict management came from the ruins of my relationship with Robin. It’s safe to say that in some fundamental ways, I wouldn’t be the person I am had things with her not gone the way they did. My own regret over the way I treated her has been a part of my psychological background for the last eleven years.
After our breakup, she married and moved to Wisconsin. I had made a few attempts in the years after our relationship ended to get back in touch with her, and let her know that I regret the things i said and did that hurt her. Hurt both of us, really. All for nothing; she refuses to speak to me, and it’s hard to blame her, really.
Fast-forward to earlier this week. kellyv and I went into a local diner where we eat lunch often…
…and there they were, Robin and her husband, sitting in a booth right by the door.
It’s amazing how eleven years of distance doesn’t seem to make a damn bit of difference to emotional pain.
kellyv is very fortunate; she’s never had her heart broken. Even after more than a decade, it still sucks.
*hug*
I don’t know if I agree that people who have never had their heart broken are fortunate- I’ve had a few broken hearts myself and I think every heartbreak leads to a deeper understanding of who we are.
It definately hurts and is painful but when we learn something that helps our future relationships be deeper, it might be worth the pain.
Re: *hug*
“It definately hurts and is painful but when we learn something that helps our future relationships be deeper, it might be worth the pain.”
Still, one could hope for lessons without such a high price tag, you know?
Sometimes it’s the painful experiences that have the most to teach us, but they still suck anyway.
Re: *hug*
Oh I definately agree it would be EASIER without the pain and angst- and some people are capable fo learnign that way…. I don’t think I’m one fo them and it sounds like you arn’t either….
Sometimes I *do* envy the folks who find deep relationships in an effortless manner and never have any worry or angst about them and life their adult lives together until they grow old- these are the rare ones though…. Perhaps they have learned something ahead of time that the rest of us could benefit from but it might be more likely that they are just incredibly lucky in their choice of soul-mates….
*hug*
I don’t know if I agree that people who have never had their heart broken are fortunate- I’ve had a few broken hearts myself and I think every heartbreak leads to a deeper understanding of who we are.
It definately hurts and is painful but when we learn something that helps our future relationships be deeper, it might be worth the pain.
Ah, that is too bad. I feel for you especially in contrast to my own happy reunion last weekend. What a shame that she can’t or isn’t ready to consider sitting down and talking things through. All you can do now, though, is what you are already doing. Live the way you think you should be living according to what you’ve learned. Be honest with yourself and with your partners. If she can’t forgive you for stuff you did that long ago, then she still has lessons to learn, and you can’t help her with them.
Still…
*hugs*
Ah, that is too bad. I feel for you especially in contrast to my own happy reunion last weekend. What a shame that she can’t or isn’t ready to consider sitting down and talking things through. All you can do now, though, is what you are already doing. Live the way you think you should be living according to what you’ve learned. Be honest with yourself and with your partners. If she can’t forgive you for stuff you did that long ago, then she still has lessons to learn, and you can’t help her with them.
Still…
*hugs*
Elevan years is trully a long time. You have learned and made your own amends. Bettering ourselves is, perhaps, as close to perfection as we can hope to come.
Try not to be too hard on yourself, living in this way is not obvious. We lack role models and the sort of support that helps us work through the difficult times. It’s only natural that sometimes we make mistakes, however sad that might be. When you have been hurt, it is easy to be self rightious and not recognize your own role in a situation.
“We lack role models and the sort of support that helps us work through the difficult times.”
That’s one of the hardest parts about being polyamorous (or indeed, having relationships of any sort that fall outside the normal parameters). I suspect that if I had the advantage of a support system similar to the one I’ve found in the poly community today, things woud’ve gone very differently.
Elevan years is trully a long time. You have learned and made your own amends. Bettering ourselves is, perhaps, as close to perfection as we can hope to come.
Try not to be too hard on yourself, living in this way is not obvious. We lack role models and the sort of support that helps us work through the difficult times. It’s only natural that sometimes we make mistakes, however sad that might be. When you have been hurt, it is easy to be self rightious and not recognize your own role in a situation.
*hugs* It’s too bad she still feels bent out of shape.. but you can’t deny the lessons learned are an important part of who you are today. 🙂
*hugs* It’s too bad she still feels bent out of shape.. but you can’t deny the lessons learned are an important part of who you are today. 🙂
Re: *hug*
“It definately hurts and is painful but when we learn something that helps our future relationships be deeper, it might be worth the pain.”
Still, one could hope for lessons without such a high price tag, you know?
Sometimes it’s the painful experiences that have the most to teach us, but they still suck anyway.
“We lack role models and the sort of support that helps us work through the difficult times.”
That’s one of the hardest parts about being polyamorous (or indeed, having relationships of any sort that fall outside the normal parameters). I suspect that if I had the advantage of a support system similar to the one I’ve found in the poly community today, things woud’ve gone very differently.
Re: *hug*
Oh I definately agree it would be EASIER without the pain and angst- and some people are capable fo learnign that way…. I don’t think I’m one fo them and it sounds like you arn’t either….
Sometimes I *do* envy the folks who find deep relationships in an effortless manner and never have any worry or angst about them and life their adult lives together until they grow old- these are the rare ones though…. Perhaps they have learned something ahead of time that the rest of us could benefit from but it might be more likely that they are just incredibly lucky in their choice of soul-mates….