In Honor of Stupid People
We have to wonder how we have survived this long without the caring corporate world looking after our safety! In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.”
(and that would be how???…)On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
(but, it’s “just” a suggestion.)On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside down.”
(well…duh, a bit late, huh!)On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.”
(…and you thought???…)On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.”
(but wouldn’t this save me more time?)On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those forklifts.)On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning: May cause drowsiness..”
(and…I’m taking this because???…)On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
(as opposed to…what?)On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.”
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts.”
(talk about a news flash)On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
(Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?)On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
(I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)On a Swedish chain saw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
(Oh my God…was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
First of all, as the grammar nazi, I feel obligated to administer a smackdown to the author for attempting (and failing) to use double-quotes for the purpose of emphasis. (Frozen dinner comment)
Second, I feel a quote is appropriate. Sadly, I can’t cite the source at the moment, ‘cuz I’ve forgotten…
“The problem with the world is stupid people. Now, I’m not saying we should make stupidity a capital crime, but how about we take the warning labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?”
“…but how about we take the warning labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?”
There is a certain…elegance to that solution…
Still, supidity sometimes is a capital offense. Did I mention I got a copy of the Darwin Awards book for Christmas?
First of all, as the grammar nazi, I feel obligated to administer a smackdown to the author for attempting (and failing) to use double-quotes for the purpose of emphasis. (Frozen dinner comment)
Second, I feel a quote is appropriate. Sadly, I can’t cite the source at the moment, ‘cuz I’ve forgotten…
“The problem with the world is stupid people. Now, I’m not saying we should make stupidity a capital crime, but how about we take the warning labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?”
Well, peanuts are legumes, and one can be allergic to nuts but not peanuts. So it’s perfectly legitimate to indicate that a bag of peanuts also contains nuts (if, in fact, it does).
Well, peanuts are legumes, and one can be allergic to nuts but not peanuts. So it’s perfectly legitimate to indicate that a bag of peanuts also contains nuts (if, in fact, it does).
Not to be a poop about this (cause stupid people are also one of my pet peeves), since I worked closely with the FDA and EPA, well and DEA too if you must know, I can say with authority that some of these phrases are mandated by the government to be printed on the labels.
Yes, I am glad to report the stupid people are those in the government that regulate some of the industries cited above. Since phamaceuticals were my forte, I’ll comment on the Boots cold medicine for kids.
I know Boots phamaceuticals. I worked with some of their quality control people on a few projects. Not that their people are stunningly brillant, but I can report with confidence that they are not particularly stupid either. That warning is straight from the FDA. A labelling guideline (law) applies to a whole class of drugs so they can reduce the number of…well so the feds can be fucking lazy and not dictate 1000’s of labels one for each product.
Let me briefly explain:
When a drug product applies for an NDC number (unique ID), application of labeling that product is already mandated to contain your choice of several phrases such as: “may cause drowsiness”, “keep out of the reach of children”, etc.. there are about 25 choices of things that the label MUST contain.
Just like cigarettes that have the Health Warning:. You’ll notice there are several variations. Those warnings are mandated that you will have to print one (of your choice) on each pack of smokes.
That is the skinny for FDA and EPA warnings that I have personal experience with. The superman costume thing sounds like an insurance mandate, and the Swedish chainsaw thing….jeeeeze who the hell knows where that came from.
Oh and the Jap food processor: they hired a bi-lingual jap instead of a native speaker and the low-roller used “the” instead of the proper “any.” I see this ALL the time in asian medical herb labels.
Not to be a poop about this (cause stupid people are also one of my pet peeves), since I worked closely with the FDA and EPA, well and DEA too if you must know, I can say with authority that some of these phrases are mandated by the government to be printed on the labels.
Yes, I am glad to report the stupid people are those in the government that regulate some of the industries cited above. Since phamaceuticals were my forte, I’ll comment on the Boots cold medicine for kids.
I know Boots phamaceuticals. I worked with some of their quality control people on a few projects. Not that their people are stunningly brillant, but I can report with confidence that they are not particularly stupid either. That warning is straight from the FDA. A labelling guideline (law) applies to a whole class of drugs so they can reduce the number of…well so the feds can be fucking lazy and not dictate 1000’s of labels one for each product.
Let me briefly explain:
When a drug product applies for an NDC number (unique ID), application of labeling that product is already mandated to contain your choice of several phrases such as: “may cause drowsiness”, “keep out of the reach of children”, etc.. there are about 25 choices of things that the label MUST contain.
Just like cigarettes that have the Health Warning:. You’ll notice there are several variations. Those warnings are mandated that you will have to print one (of your choice) on each pack of smokes.
That is the skinny for FDA and EPA warnings that I have personal experience with. The superman costume thing sounds like an insurance mandate, and the Swedish chainsaw thing….jeeeeze who the hell knows where that came from.
Oh and the Jap food processor: they hired a bi-lingual jap instead of a native speaker and the low-roller used “the” instead of the proper “any.” I see this ALL the time in asian medical herb labels.
stupid labelling
And on the other side of the absurdity…
A few weeks ago my daughter’s school had yet another fundraiser, this one selling cookie dough and cheesecakes. There was one cheesecake that looked pretty good to me, and I might have bought it. However, this was the Rocky Road cheesecake. The ingredients listed things like chocolate and marshmallow, but failed to mention the nuts clearly shown in the picture. Now most people know that Rocky Road (ice cream, cheesecake, fill-in-the-blank…) contains nuts. But opinions differ as to WHICH nuts properly belong in Rocky Road. (Unlike, say, a Tin Roof sundae which mandates peanuts. But I digress.) I’m slightly allergic to walnuts, so I need to know very specifically which nuts are in things. I looked everywhere in the packet. No info. I looked on their website. No info. I had Akien mail me a link with their phone number, which then corrupted my e-mail program and caused me to be unable to access my mail for several hours, till Akien went in and hacked it back to useable. I never got to the point of actually CALLING them as a result. However, I suspect that the hapless phone person on the other end would have had no better luck, as this information seems to be mysteriously missing from any piece of literature on the product, anywhere. I finally gave up in disgust and simply didn’t order any cheesecake.
You’d think, wouldn’t you, that given the requirement that a jar of cashews must display a label “Warning: Made in a factory which processes nuts,” that they might be interested in telling me that a) there are nuts in the Rocky Road Cheesecake, and b) which nuts they are. But NOOOO. Apparently they used up all the ink on the label warning people not to use the hair dryer while sleeping.
stupid labelling
And on the other side of the absurdity…
A few weeks ago my daughter’s school had yet another fundraiser, this one selling cookie dough and cheesecakes. There was one cheesecake that looked pretty good to me, and I might have bought it. However, this was the Rocky Road cheesecake. The ingredients listed things like chocolate and marshmallow, but failed to mention the nuts clearly shown in the picture. Now most people know that Rocky Road (ice cream, cheesecake, fill-in-the-blank…) contains nuts. But opinions differ as to WHICH nuts properly belong in Rocky Road. (Unlike, say, a Tin Roof sundae which mandates peanuts. But I digress.) I’m slightly allergic to walnuts, so I need to know very specifically which nuts are in things. I looked everywhere in the packet. No info. I looked on their website. No info. I had Akien mail me a link with their phone number, which then corrupted my e-mail program and caused me to be unable to access my mail for several hours, till Akien went in and hacked it back to useable. I never got to the point of actually CALLING them as a result. However, I suspect that the hapless phone person on the other end would have had no better luck, as this information seems to be mysteriously missing from any piece of literature on the product, anywhere. I finally gave up in disgust and simply didn’t order any cheesecake.
You’d think, wouldn’t you, that given the requirement that a jar of cashews must display a label “Warning: Made in a factory which processes nuts,” that they might be interested in telling me that a) there are nuts in the Rocky Road Cheesecake, and b) which nuts they are. But NOOOO. Apparently they used up all the ink on the label warning people not to use the hair dryer while sleeping.
“…but how about we take the warning labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?”
There is a certain…elegance to that solution…
Still, supidity sometimes is a capital offense. Did I mention I got a copy of the Darwin Awards book for Christmas?