So today I was reviewing the statistics for the Xero Web site, looking through the keywords that people use to find it and my site.

Looking at the keywords people use in search engines is always illuminating. Most of the keywords are pretty straightforward; for example, many people use some variant on “do it yourself sex toys” to find my page on, well, do it yourself sex toys.

But some of the keyword searches are absolutely priceless and others are just sort of…um, weird. And I’m not talking about the poor souls who use keyword searches like “peanut butter nutrition” and stumble across lordfuckbeast‘s peanut butter story.

No, I’m talking about people who find the Xero site, or one of my pages, using keywords like “ticklish redheads.” Or “sternness damage consenting.” Or one of my own personal favorites from last month’s log: “My dog wants to model.”

Some of the keywords make no sense, like “degrading cluttering mommy.” Some make sense, but I can’t imagine how they led to the Xero site, like “tinted film suppliers UK.” Some, you have to wonder what the user was thinking, like “small plastic enclosure”–a keyword search that turns up 56,500 hits on Google, with the Xero site well over 100 places down.

And then there’s “I hate plumbing.” This isn’t a keyword search, it’s a statement of personal philosophy! Or “Sandra Bullock blowing.” oka, well, that’s entirely TOO much information about somebody’s fantasies…

Here’s one: “Shit through coffe table.” Huh? What, pray tell, was this poor lost soul seeking? Another: “How to cast magic without any supplies.” Damn, I’ve always just HATED when I have a dozen curses to do and I’m fresh out of eye of newt…

“Lesbians with body piercings.” okay, that one I can understand. But “fuck my girlfriend”? Is this a keyword search, or a plea? And “Buckaroo torture”–All I can think of is that scene in Buckaroo Bonzai: “Why is that watermelon in that hydraulic press?” “I’ll tell you later.”

And finally: “Ping Pong sex.” Now, I consider myself somewhat experienced (jaded, I’ve been called); but if someone out there is having Ping Pong sex, this is the first I’ve heard of it, and that is a crime. Whatever this Ping Pong sex is, i want it. i don’t even understand it, and I want it.