The Weekend. Let me show you it.

I had some pretty ambitious plans for the weekend. I don’t normally make lists, but for this weekend, I made an exception, because I was Just In That Kind of Mood. Go most of the stuff on the list done, and the weekend’s technically not even over yet:

Give dayo a long, deep, thorough spanking, flogging, paddling, cropping, and caning. In public.

Work on phoenixgeisha‘s CD challenge.

Meet a woman wearing a necklace that is a play on her name.

Infect datan0de‘s wetware with remote command-and-control software

Create a lolcat that references the Terminator movies

Spin poi

Watch the worst travesty of a movie committed to celluloid since Star Wars Episode 3

Work on the Symtoys Web site

I had high hopes for watching the worst high-budget mainstream movie ever filmed when dayo and I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3, but sadly, my hopes and dreams were dashed, and I was forced to drink from the bitter cup of disappointment…for, you see, Pirates 3 is actually a very good, very fun movie.

It’s clear that somewhere between Pirates 2, that shambling disaster of a movie, and Pirates 3, someone told Johnny Depp, “Look, don’t take this the wrong way, but…could you kick it up a notch or two? Jack Sparrow is supposed to be really over the top, so let’s see you get out there and really give it what you’ve got, y’know?” I didn’t leave the theater wanting those hours of my life back, like I did with Pirates 2; on the contrary, I was highly entertained.

However, the weekend was salvaged when we went to see Spider-Man 3 this afternoon. Dear sweet Jesus on a pogo stick, what a disaster that movie is. Spider-Man 3 is the Alien 3 of the Spider Man franchise–the film that kills the franchise dead, then squats over the corpse and farts in its face. If you’re looking for the most cringe-worthy, unwatchable movie ever made, this here’s your flick, in spades.

And I do mean “unwatchable” literally. There were parts of the movie so horrifyingly awful I literally had to turn my eyes away. I couldn’t even muster up the same staring-in-fascination-at-a-train-wreck that kept me going through Episode 3.

It was truly a perfect storm of fail. In fact, that movie is made of fail, from start to finish. The acting? Stunning in its awfulness; the cinematic equivalent of a back-alley mugging with a brick. The dialog? Imagine Jar-Jar Binks with brain damage, and you’re at least in the right ballpark. The script? Somewhere, someone noticed in pre-production that the script read like it was written by a sexually repressed teenager who has never known the touch of a woman, yet he kept his mouth shut. That person needs to be found and killed.

The scene where Mary Jane meets Anakin Skywalker Peter Parker on the bridge on the park and tells him “Oh, Anakin, I just don’t understand you any more!” “Peter, we’re through, I’ve met somebody else” will echo down the corridors of history as the pinnacle of man’s inhumanity to man–or more precisely, Hollywood’s inhumanity to its fans. The fact that the producers, director, stars, special effects technicians, screenwriters, cameramen, and caterers who were responsible for this abomination were not all immediately struck dead by some horrible, disfiguring disease upon its conclusion are proof positive of God’s Divine Mercy to those who hate Him. Even the computer special effects, which rarely rose above the level of middling awful, suffered from perspective and lighting problems–look, especially, to the mismatched perspective and poor lighting of the falling taxi. Or better yet, don’t.

And now, I think dayo needs another sound thrashing. 🙂 Edit: As soon as she’s done ordering a set of poi online.