The Weekend. Let me show you it.

I had some pretty ambitious plans for the weekend. I don’t normally make lists, but for this weekend, I made an exception, because I was Just In That Kind of Mood. Go most of the stuff on the list done, and the weekend’s technically not even over yet:

Give dayo a long, deep, thorough spanking, flogging, paddling, cropping, and caning. In public.

Work on phoenixgeisha‘s CD challenge.

Meet a woman wearing a necklace that is a play on her name.

Infect datan0de‘s wetware with remote command-and-control software

Create a lolcat that references the Terminator movies

Spin poi

Watch the worst travesty of a movie committed to celluloid since Star Wars Episode 3

Work on the Symtoys Web site

I had high hopes for watching the worst high-budget mainstream movie ever filmed when dayo and I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3, but sadly, my hopes and dreams were dashed, and I was forced to drink from the bitter cup of disappointment…for, you see, Pirates 3 is actually a very good, very fun movie.

It’s clear that somewhere between Pirates 2, that shambling disaster of a movie, and Pirates 3, someone told Johnny Depp, “Look, don’t take this the wrong way, but…could you kick it up a notch or two? Jack Sparrow is supposed to be really over the top, so let’s see you get out there and really give it what you’ve got, y’know?” I didn’t leave the theater wanting those hours of my life back, like I did with Pirates 2; on the contrary, I was highly entertained.

However, the weekend was salvaged when we went to see Spider-Man 3 this afternoon. Dear sweet Jesus on a pogo stick, what a disaster that movie is. Spider-Man 3 is the Alien 3 of the Spider Man franchise–the film that kills the franchise dead, then squats over the corpse and farts in its face. If you’re looking for the most cringe-worthy, unwatchable movie ever made, this here’s your flick, in spades.

And I do mean “unwatchable” literally. There were parts of the movie so horrifyingly awful I literally had to turn my eyes away. I couldn’t even muster up the same staring-in-fascination-at-a-train-wreck that kept me going through Episode 3.

It was truly a perfect storm of fail. In fact, that movie is made of fail, from start to finish. The acting? Stunning in its awfulness; the cinematic equivalent of a back-alley mugging with a brick. The dialog? Imagine Jar-Jar Binks with brain damage, and you’re at least in the right ballpark. The script? Somewhere, someone noticed in pre-production that the script read like it was written by a sexually repressed teenager who has never known the touch of a woman, yet he kept his mouth shut. That person needs to be found and killed.

The scene where Mary Jane meets Anakin Skywalker Peter Parker on the bridge on the park and tells him “Oh, Anakin, I just don’t understand you any more!” “Peter, we’re through, I’ve met somebody else” will echo down the corridors of history as the pinnacle of man’s inhumanity to man–or more precisely, Hollywood’s inhumanity to its fans. The fact that the producers, director, stars, special effects technicians, screenwriters, cameramen, and caterers who were responsible for this abomination were not all immediately struck dead by some horrible, disfiguring disease upon its conclusion are proof positive of God’s Divine Mercy to those who hate Him. Even the computer special effects, which rarely rose above the level of middling awful, suffered from perspective and lighting problems–look, especially, to the mismatched perspective and poor lighting of the falling taxi. Or better yet, don’t.

And now, I think dayo needs another sound thrashing. πŸ™‚ Edit: As soon as she’s done ordering a set of poi online.

30 thoughts on “The Weekend. Let me show you it.

  1. Infect ‘s wetware with remote command-and-control software

    This is a blatant attempt to trick me into posting a comment, thereby providing confirmation that your supposed wetware hack was successful. It won’t work.

  2. Infect ‘s wetware with remote command-and-control software

    This is a blatant attempt to trick me into posting a comment, thereby providing confirmation that your supposed wetware hack was successful. It won’t work.

  3. I can’t confirm this since I haven’t seen it yet, but I have heard some scathing reviews of the new Fantastic Four movie, making it sound worse than Spidey Part Three (“even Jessica Alba’s tight costume couldn’t rescue this”, or words to that effect.)

    . . . at least Star Wars I had one decent fight scene. . .

    • I am by no means a F4 fan, but I found it to be about 25x better than Spiderman 3. Then again, my ability to assess good movies may have been irreparably damaged by the combination of emo and BeeGee impersonator strutting…

  4. I can’t confirm this since I haven’t seen it yet, but I have heard some scathing reviews of the new Fantastic Four movie, making it sound worse than Spidey Part Three (“even Jessica Alba’s tight costume couldn’t rescue this”, or words to that effect.)

    . . . at least Star Wars I had one decent fight scene. . .

  5. I am by no means a F4 fan, but I found it to be about 25x better than Spiderman 3. Then again, my ability to assess good movies may have been irreparably damaged by the combination of emo and BeeGee impersonator strutting…

  6. On my friends page, about five posts up from this one, is another one from someone who hated PotC 3 with every fiber of their being. I find it amusing how everyone is cleanly divided into “loved it” or “it was AWFUL omg my eyes.” I have not heard a single “meh, it was okay.”

    As for Spiderman 3… The studio wanted Venom. Sam Raimi wanted Sandman. Neither would back down. The franchise died screaming in the ensuing squabble.

    • “meh, it was okay.”

      Actually, I enjoyed it, but I didn’t love it or hate it. It was exactly what I expected it … a very successful capitaliztion on a hollywood/disney franchise where the point was “let’s see more of that Jack Sparrow character who stole the movie in the first one”. I found it entertaining, but neither “good” nor “bad”. The ship full of Jacks, however, was probably my favorite part.

      Spiderman 3 would have been better if they had picked one villain. My opinion is that Venom would have been the better choice, leaving Sandman for a later episode when the movie fans would have been dedicated to following the story the way the comic fans were, and could have dealt with a less dramatic and theatrical villain in their pursuit of the continuance of the story.

      • Okay, so it’s you and me in the “meh” camp.

        Srsly, d00ds. You don’t go to a Disney movie for a cinematic masterpiece full of complex characterization and shocking plot. You go because they have more money than god and they are willing to spend it on pretty things. YEY DISNEY.

        And they told Raimi to pick one villain, and he threw a fit and wouldn’t do it. I guess when you’re a freakin genius, you get to make ridiculous demands about having equal amounts of each Skittle so you can have perfect sets of five each time, and including a neutered storyline that chews up time that you could be spending making the movie GOOD just so you can give your childhood favorite screen time.

        But I’m not bitter. -_-

  7. On my friends page, about five posts up from this one, is another one from someone who hated PotC 3 with every fiber of their being. I find it amusing how everyone is cleanly divided into “loved it” or “it was AWFUL omg my eyes.” I have not heard a single “meh, it was okay.”

    As for Spiderman 3… The studio wanted Venom. Sam Raimi wanted Sandman. Neither would back down. The franchise died screaming in the ensuing squabble.

  8. “meh, it was okay.”

    Actually, I enjoyed it, but I didn’t love it or hate it. It was exactly what I expected it … a very successful capitaliztion on a hollywood/disney franchise where the point was “let’s see more of that Jack Sparrow character who stole the movie in the first one”. I found it entertaining, but neither “good” nor “bad”. The ship full of Jacks, however, was probably my favorite part.

    Spiderman 3 would have been better if they had picked one villain. My opinion is that Venom would have been the better choice, leaving Sandman for a later episode when the movie fans would have been dedicated to following the story the way the comic fans were, and could have dealt with a less dramatic and theatrical villain in their pursuit of the continuance of the story.

  9. Okay, so it’s you and me in the “meh” camp.

    Srsly, d00ds. You don’t go to a Disney movie for a cinematic masterpiece full of complex characterization and shocking plot. You go because they have more money than god and they are willing to spend it on pretty things. YEY DISNEY.

    And they told Raimi to pick one villain, and he threw a fit and wouldn’t do it. I guess when you’re a freakin genius, you get to make ridiculous demands about having equal amounts of each Skittle so you can have perfect sets of five each time, and including a neutered storyline that chews up time that you could be spending making the movie GOOD just so you can give your childhood favorite screen time.

    But I’m not bitter. -_-

  10. I see why I wanted to be on your friends list – you are unable to bash Pirates of the Caribbean. (It’s so much enjoyment I want to eat the franchise.) But Aliens 3 wasn’t that bad; sure, it wasn’t Aliens (which was by far the best of all the movies), but it was still pretty good. It got weird when they involved Winona Ryder in their series, though.

    Anyway, I was too busy crushing on Kristen Dunst to not like Spider Man 3 somewhat (just after finally watching Marie Antoinette, which was great in a Sofia Coppola does history through the lens of MTV (but with better music Siouxsie!) sort of way). However, in your comparison between Peter and Anakin you forgot the whole “NOooooooooooooo!” as the camera pans up and away moment that both give us.

    I’m curious about that woman and her necklace though. ‘Cause I own an inordinate amount of amber jewelry.

  11. I see why I wanted to be on your friends list – you are unable to bash Pirates of the Caribbean. (It’s so much enjoyment I want to eat the franchise.) But Aliens 3 wasn’t that bad; sure, it wasn’t Aliens (which was by far the best of all the movies), but it was still pretty good. It got weird when they involved Winona Ryder in their series, though.

    Anyway, I was too busy crushing on Kristen Dunst to not like Spider Man 3 somewhat (just after finally watching Marie Antoinette, which was great in a Sofia Coppola does history through the lens of MTV (but with better music Siouxsie!) sort of way). However, in your comparison between Peter and Anakin you forgot the whole “NOooooooooooooo!” as the camera pans up and away moment that both give us.

    I’m curious about that woman and her necklace though. ‘Cause I own an inordinate amount of amber jewelry.

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