It’s all about teh suck

Okay, so. In the span of the last few days, I’ve:

1. Discovered I’m being audited by the IRS. They believe I owe then many thousands f dollars, because of a rather blindingly obvious error on their side–they seem to be counting the small business income I made in 2002 twice. Yes, they’re clearly in the wrong; no, I entertain no hope that that means this will be an easy mess to fix.

2. Came into work and discovered my cable modem connection down. Someone climbed up the pole outside the building, cut the cable going into my office, and then sabotaged the cable junction box. WTF?

3. Heard from the company that I’m looking to work for in Boston; they may not be hiring for the position ’til August. August???

This is in addition to all the things going on in my romantic life, not the least of which is the collapse of my eighteen-year relationship with Kelly. Observant viewers will notice that I have not posted anyting about that in my journal.

There are many reasons for this, not the least of which is I don’t feel any particular benefit will be gained by airing our mutual laundry in a public forum. That has not, however, stopped the email from coming in–most of it from people I don’t know and have no idea who they are or what interest they may have in my romantic life, and much of it quite nasty.

It seems, for reasons I’m not quite clear on, there are a significant number of people in the world–people who don’t know Kelly and I and have never met either of us–who feel as though they have some kind of personal stake in our relationship. And judging from the tone of some of the mail that’s landed in my inbox, they feel personally threatened, attacked, or insulted that Kelly and I are separating.

I find this quite weird, to be frank. I’m not quite sure what’s motivating this emotional investment on the part of people who are, when it comes right down to it, strangers–but it seems as if the end of our relationship represents something that people find personally threatening. Some of it could simply be a case of schadenfreude; there always have been and always will be those who take pleasure in the misfortunes of others, and the only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. For others, of course, it’s comforting–it reinforces the notion that anyone who’s polyamorous is a bad person. For still others, perhaps it’s the same thing that motivates people to write hate mail to the villains on their soap operas.

What these people don’t seem to realize, though, apart form the fact that we all have our own lives to lead, is that this is not a question of choosing one person over another. I’ve done that in the past–and the person I’ve chosen has always been Kelly. No, this is a question of choosing a way of life which does not compromise who I am as a person. Were I to lose my relationships with Shelly and Xtina tomorrow, I would not believe that I have made a mistake; I am not choosing those relationships over my relationship with Kelly.

I doubt, however, that most of the people sending me email would understand that. It’s not even about me at all; these people don’t know me, and see in me only a reflection of their own attitudes and fears.

Google AdWords and Social Commentary

So I got a letter (real, honest-to-God snail mail letter, the kind that’s printed on sliced dead trees) from Google a couple weeks back. Google, the darling of the dot-com world, sending me physical mail rather than email…but I digress.

The letter invited me to join the Google AdWords program, a system where you put ads on a Web site served by Google’s AdSense system. The idea behind AdWords and AdSense is that they deliver “targeted,” relevant advertising to Web sites, because the ad that’s delivered is based on keywords found in a site. So, for example, go to a Web site about home improvement, and the system sees words like “lumber” and “carpentry” and serves up ads for Lowes and Home Depot.

Funny thing, that. The Google AdSense system also serves up some entirely unwitting social commentary.

You see, advertisers buy keywords based on what they think people associate with those words. So, put Google ads on a page about polyamory, and it sees words like “jealousy” and “polyamory” and serves up ads for divorce lawyers, PIs, and books on how to tell if your husband is cheating. Put Google ads on a page mentioning the word “magazine,” and you’ll see ads for Harlequin romance novels.

I’m not going to make a dime on these ads. I’m leaving them there, though. Social commentary is fun.

Putting the world on notice

Okay, since I am an evil genius, and I shall soon rule the world (now that the nanovirus to destroy datan0de‘s cybernetic army has passed testing and has moved into the production phase), and since things look to be on track for total world domination by the second quarter of 2006, I thought that as your future supreme ruler, I ought to let y’all know about a few things. Just so you can’t say later that I didn’t warn you.

– Spammers, phishers, and that one person at Texaco who stole my credit card number when I bought a new tire for my car: The dungeons are already being constructed. I’m importing large, highly venomous spiders from South America, snakes from Africa, and a few surprises you won’t be expecting from Australia and the Galapagos Islands, just for your discomfort. Needless to say, the dungeons will not be air-conditioned. Oh, and did I mention that they’re in what is now called Haiti?

– Those Jehovah’s Witnesses who wake me up by kncking on my door at 8 AM: No dungeon for you. Instead, since you’ve taken an active interest in the well-being of my soul in the next world, you can take just as active an interest in the maintenance of my lair in this. You guys will get to clean the pirhana tanks, shovel the loins’ den, and clean up after any unwanted incursions of the pathetic handful of revolutionary rabble who may try to invade my secret fortress from time to time. Bring plenty of Oxy-Clean. You’re on duty starting at five AM.

– The following people will have forty-eight hours to report for behavioral modification and chip implantation, or be hunted down by my army of flying, cybernetic monkeys: Rush Limbaugh, Pat Robertson, Dick Cheney, Patrick O’Reilly, and Phyllis Schlafly. The Bioelectronic Behavioral Monitoring Implant(tm) (patent pending) will automatically deliver a powerful electrical shock to your genital regions whenever you say or think the phrases “tax and spend Democrat,” “liberal agenda,” “homosexual agenda,” “Feminazi,” or “Teddy Kennedy is morally bankrupt.”

– George Carlin will be promoted to Vice-Governor of the Greater North Atlantic Area. He seems up for the job.

– Microsoft: No, I’m not going to disassemble Microsoft. Instead, I’m simply going to fine Microsoft five cents for every security flaw in Windows, plus five cents for every computer infected by a virus or Trojan as a result of those flaws. By the time the fines are paid, the company should be worth, by my rough calculations, fifty-three dollars and sixty cents, give or take ten bucks or so.

– Whoever thought deep-fried Twinkies were a good idea…man, you are in so much trouble.

– The Kansas City Board of Education, the Georgia State Board of Education, and all you other cretins who want to ban the teaching of evolution in public schools: Since it’s clear that no evolution has taken place in your states for thousands of years, it’s safe to say you can be used as experimental animals, no?

– John Ashcroft has totalitarian leanings that could be quite useful to me as I rule the world with an iron fist. However, the “no-brain Fundamentalist” thing and the “afraid of calico cats” thing disqualify him for a position on the High Council, and that “repressed sexual prude” thing is a total non-starter. Therefore, TO THE DUNGEONS WITH HIM! And a bucket full of spiders.

– Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen will report to Launch Pad 3 within 24 hours. Since you’re already famous, I’ll make you famous for something!

– Israelis, Palestinians, you will both go to your rooms for the next two hundred years. And you’re both grounded. No telephone, no movies, no weapons of mass destruction, and no supper!

There’s more; you will all be informed through the proper channels when the time is right.