Thoughts from the convention floor…

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FROM: Homo Sapiens Sapiens

TO: The other members of the animal kingdom

Re: Some changes

As you may or may not have noticed, the primate family has given rise to a new species. We’d like to take advantage of this opportunity to introduce ourselves.

We are small, hairless, and lacking in armor, scales, fangs, claws, or hides. What we do have, however, are big brains , opposing thumbs, tools, and language. Some of you may believe that these don’t count for much. This memo is here to set the record straight.

Over the next seventy thousand years or so, our numbers will explode, and we plan to dominate every climate and every geographical region.

Many of you will be hunted into extinction, either for food or for sport. Many of you will be exterminated as we encroach on your habitat. A few of you will be domesticated, as food animals, beasts of burden, or (if you are cute and fluffy enough) companions. All things considered, domestication is probably your best bet.

Some of you are dozens of times bigger, stronger, and faster than we are. You may think that this gives you an advantage over us. We have a different way of looking at it; we seet it more as “one of you will feed fifty of us for a week.”

Some of you currently inhabit areas that very remote geographically, or seem to have climates inhospitable to a naked ape, or both. We’re more adaptable than you, though. We’ll get there eventually, trust us on this. Again, all things considered, domestication is probably your best bet.


PS: Homo Neandertalis: Yes, we’re aware you also have tools, language, and opposing thumbs, and you’re gifted with a higher cranial capacity than we are. However, we breed faster than you do, we form larger social groups than you do, and we’re more aggressive than you are. Just sayin’.

PPS: Did I mention that we’re really, really, really aggressive?