Putting the world on notice

Okay, since I am an evil genius, and I shall soon rule the world (now that the nanovirus to destroy datan0de‘s cybernetic army has passed testing and has moved into the production phase), and since things look to be on track for total world domination by the second quarter of 2006, I thought that as your future supreme ruler, I ought to let y’all know about a few things. Just so you can’t say later that I didn’t warn you.

– Spammers, phishers, and that one person at Texaco who stole my credit card number when I bought a new tire for my car: The dungeons are already being constructed. I’m importing large, highly venomous spiders from South America, snakes from Africa, and a few surprises you won’t be expecting from Australia and the Galapagos Islands, just for your discomfort. Needless to say, the dungeons will not be air-conditioned. Oh, and did I mention that they’re in what is now called Haiti?

– Those Jehovah’s Witnesses who wake me up by kncking on my door at 8 AM: No dungeon for you. Instead, since you’ve taken an active interest in the well-being of my soul in the next world, you can take just as active an interest in the maintenance of my lair in this. You guys will get to clean the pirhana tanks, shovel the loins’ den, and clean up after any unwanted incursions of the pathetic handful of revolutionary rabble who may try to invade my secret fortress from time to time. Bring plenty of Oxy-Clean. You’re on duty starting at five AM.

– The following people will have forty-eight hours to report for behavioral modification and chip implantation, or be hunted down by my army of flying, cybernetic monkeys: Rush Limbaugh, Pat Robertson, Dick Cheney, Patrick O’Reilly, and Phyllis Schlafly. The Bioelectronic Behavioral Monitoring Implant(tm) (patent pending) will automatically deliver a powerful electrical shock to your genital regions whenever you say or think the phrases “tax and spend Democrat,” “liberal agenda,” “homosexual agenda,” “Feminazi,” or “Teddy Kennedy is morally bankrupt.”

– George Carlin will be promoted to Vice-Governor of the Greater North Atlantic Area. He seems up for the job.

– Microsoft: No, I’m not going to disassemble Microsoft. Instead, I’m simply going to fine Microsoft five cents for every security flaw in Windows, plus five cents for every computer infected by a virus or Trojan as a result of those flaws. By the time the fines are paid, the company should be worth, by my rough calculations, fifty-three dollars and sixty cents, give or take ten bucks or so.

– Whoever thought deep-fried Twinkies were a good idea…man, you are in so much trouble.

– The Kansas City Board of Education, the Georgia State Board of Education, and all you other cretins who want to ban the teaching of evolution in public schools: Since it’s clear that no evolution has taken place in your states for thousands of years, it’s safe to say you can be used as experimental animals, no?

– John Ashcroft has totalitarian leanings that could be quite useful to me as I rule the world with an iron fist. However, the “no-brain Fundamentalist” thing and the “afraid of calico cats” thing disqualify him for a position on the High Council, and that “repressed sexual prude” thing is a total non-starter. Therefore, TO THE DUNGEONS WITH HIM! And a bucket full of spiders.

– Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen will report to Launch Pad 3 within 24 hours. Since you’re already famous, I’ll make you famous for something!

– Israelis, Palestinians, you will both go to your rooms for the next two hundred years. And you’re both grounded. No telephone, no movies, no weapons of mass destruction, and no supper!

There’s more; you will all be informed through the proper channels when the time is right.