Okay, since I am an evil genius, and I shall soon rule the world (now that the nanovirus to destroy datan0de‘s cybernetic army has passed testing and has moved into the production phase), and since things look to be on track for total world domination by the second quarter of 2006, I thought that as your future supreme ruler, I ought to let y’all know about a few things. Just so you can’t say later that I didn’t warn you.
– Spammers, phishers, and that one person at Texaco who stole my credit card number when I bought a new tire for my car: The dungeons are already being constructed. I’m importing large, highly venomous spiders from South America, snakes from Africa, and a few surprises you won’t be expecting from Australia and the Galapagos Islands, just for your discomfort. Needless to say, the dungeons will not be air-conditioned. Oh, and did I mention that they’re in what is now called Haiti?
– Those Jehovah’s Witnesses who wake me up by kncking on my door at 8 AM: No dungeon for you. Instead, since you’ve taken an active interest in the well-being of my soul in the next world, you can take just as active an interest in the maintenance of my lair in this. You guys will get to clean the pirhana tanks, shovel the loins’ den, and clean up after any unwanted incursions of the pathetic handful of revolutionary rabble who may try to invade my secret fortress from time to time. Bring plenty of Oxy-Clean. You’re on duty starting at five AM.
– The following people will have forty-eight hours to report for behavioral modification and chip implantation, or be hunted down by my army of flying, cybernetic monkeys: Rush Limbaugh, Pat Robertson, Dick Cheney, Patrick O’Reilly, and Phyllis Schlafly. The Bioelectronic Behavioral Monitoring Implant(tm) (patent pending) will automatically deliver a powerful electrical shock to your genital regions whenever you say or think the phrases “tax and spend Democrat,” “liberal agenda,” “homosexual agenda,” “Feminazi,” or “Teddy Kennedy is morally bankrupt.”
– George Carlin will be promoted to Vice-Governor of the Greater North Atlantic Area. He seems up for the job.
– Microsoft: No, I’m not going to disassemble Microsoft. Instead, I’m simply going to fine Microsoft five cents for every security flaw in Windows, plus five cents for every computer infected by a virus or Trojan as a result of those flaws. By the time the fines are paid, the company should be worth, by my rough calculations, fifty-three dollars and sixty cents, give or take ten bucks or so.
– Whoever thought deep-fried Twinkies were a good idea…man, you are in so much trouble.
– The Kansas City Board of Education, the Georgia State Board of Education, and all you other cretins who want to ban the teaching of evolution in public schools: Since it’s clear that no evolution has taken place in your states for thousands of years, it’s safe to say you can be used as experimental animals, no?
– John Ashcroft has totalitarian leanings that could be quite useful to me as I rule the world with an iron fist. However, the “no-brain Fundamentalist” thing and the “afraid of calico cats” thing disqualify him for a position on the High Council, and that “repressed sexual prude” thing is a total non-starter. Therefore, TO THE DUNGEONS WITH HIM! And a bucket full of spiders.
– Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen will report to Launch Pad 3 within 24 hours. Since you’re already famous, I’ll make you famous for something!
– Israelis, Palestinians, you will both go to your rooms for the next two hundred years. And you’re both grounded. No telephone, no movies, no weapons of mass destruction, and no supper!
There’s more; you will all be informed through the proper channels when the time is right.
Instead, I’m simply going to fine Microsoft five cents for every security flaw in Windows…
Per unique flaw?
Yep! I’m a harsh and iron-fisted despot.
*beams widely*
I check yes! I will meet you after social studies!
Instead, I’m simply going to fine Microsoft five cents for every security flaw in Windows…
Per unique flaw?
I’m going to have to have sex with you now
Ah. That would explain:
shovel the loins’ den,
*grins impishly*
Beaten to the punch… I’m just visualising a loins’ den right now 🙂
It would have some entertainment value, that’s for certain. I wonder if there’s one more local to me…
I’m going to have to have sex with you now
Ah. That would explain:
shovel the loins’ den,
*grins impishly*
Yep! I’m a harsh and iron-fisted despot.
*beams widely*
I check yes! I will meet you after social studies!
I feel compelled to ask, so I will…
What evil plans do you have for those of us you are abandoning in Florida?
Besides of course abandoning Florida to us?
Re: I feel compelled to ask, so I will…
Would you like Florida? No problem, it’s yours!
Or you can have the job of dungeon concubine. Whichever. 🙂
Re: I feel compelled to ask, so I will…
Would you like Florida? No problem, it’s yours!
Or you can have the job of dungeon concubine. Whichever. 🙂
Well, since I already am thr dungron concubinr I’ll take Florida.
My first official action will be to send the Canadians and New Yorkers back where they came from. Then I’m taking back the swamp and “repurposing” the park employees, making them in charge of the border.
If you do not posess a resident’s visa there will be a long, winding line marked off with rope and a $100 fee just to get into Florida…
I feel compelled to ask, so I will…
What evil plans do you have for those of us you are abandoning in Florida?
Besides of course abandoning Florida to us?
Beaten to the punch… I’m just visualising a loins’ den right now 🙂
Arch-Nemesis and his minions
And what plans do you have for your arch-nemesis? And is anything especially horrible going to happen to hang out with him an awful lot …
And now a word from your arch-nemesis…
Worry not about us, my dear, for his flying monkeys are of the flesh, and therefore weak. We shall sit upon a throne of technology in our immortal, flawless synthetic bodies, and bear witness as his minions are crushed under the unstoppable metal boot of The Machine.
As for my arch-nemesis, I’ve got a few things to say to you, Mr. Evil Overlord:
* Regarding your nanovirus, I’ve already obtained a sample (oh my, is your security lax! If I can get a cache of ammunition in, I can get nanomachines out!), and redesigned the subsystem used by my machinations to transfer germanium ions, thus rendering your new weapon inert.
* As for the “revolutionary rabble”, there are more of us than you think, and we already have someone close to you. Very close. It’s a common flaw among you evil geniuses to underestimate the opposition.
You know, as much as it’s becoming easier and easier to foil your plans for world domination, at the same time it’s becoming more and more difficult to convince myself that stopping you is a good idea. A couple of recommendations, though:
* Your light-handed treatment of Microsoft borders on treason. After the inevitable victory of Machine over marketing, Microsoft will be dissolved- both as a corporate entity and as individuals.
* The Olsen twins- hmmmm… Your plan, while amusing, is a waste of a launch vehicle. Better and more fitting would be to sacrifice them to my prototype. Bring a video camera.
* Other than that the only facet of your plan that I take issue with is the part where you take over the world. Small detail, but I think that after you’re uploaded I’ll have you moved to an isolated system where won’t cause anyone any harm. Damn- you’re gonna be the coolest screen saver EVER!
Re: And now a word from your arch-nemesis…
Germanium ions? What the–
!!
Dude! That wasn’t the nanovirus you stole, that was a general-purpose self-replicator! I wondered where that vial had got off to…
On the Olsen thing, I hadn’t actually planned to use a launch vehicle per se, but you’re right, your idea is much better. And just think of the royalties on that videotape!
Arch-Nemesis and his minions
And what plans do you have for your arch-nemesis? And is anything especially horrible going to happen to hang out with him an awful lot …
It would have some entertainment value, that’s for certain. I wonder if there’s one more local to me…
…Just give me Australia…
…and everything will be cool and I’ll call off my own plot to take over the world.
Oh, and a couple more candidates for the dungeon:
Hilary Rosen & Jack Valenti, evil genii of the RIAA and MPAA respectively.
I will personally oversee their “re-education”, with a specialization in entymology.
Re: …Just give me Australia…
I have no idea how I missed Rosen and Valenti. You want ’em? They’re yours.
As for Australia…how about New Zealand instead? The scenery’s prettier…
…Just give me Australia…
…and everything will be cool and I’ll call off my own plot to take over the world.
Oh, and a couple more candidates for the dungeon:
Hilary Rosen & Jack Valenti, evil genii of the RIAA and MPAA respectively.
I will personally oversee their “re-education”, with a specialization in entymology.
And now a word from your arch-nemesis…
Worry not about us, my dear, for his flying monkeys are of the flesh, and therefore weak. We shall sit upon a throne of technology in our immortal, flawless synthetic bodies, and bear witness as his minions are crushed under the unstoppable metal boot of The Machine.
As for my arch-nemesis, I’ve got a few things to say to you, Mr. Evil Overlord:
* Regarding your nanovirus, I’ve already obtained a sample (oh my, is your security lax! If I can get a cache of ammunition in, I can get nanomachines out!), and redesigned the subsystem used by my machinations to transfer germanium ions, thus rendering your new weapon inert.
* As for the “revolutionary rabble”, there are more of us than you think, and we already have someone close to you. Very close. It’s a common flaw among you evil geniuses to underestimate the opposition.
You know, as much as it’s becoming easier and easier to foil your plans for world domination, at the same time it’s becoming more and more difficult to convince myself that stopping you is a good idea. A couple of recommendations, though:
* Your light-handed treatment of Microsoft borders on treason. After the inevitable victory of Machine over marketing, Microsoft will be dissolved- both as a corporate entity and as individuals.
* The Olsen twins- hmmmm… Your plan, while amusing, is a waste of a launch vehicle. Better and more fitting would be to sacrifice them to my prototype. Bring a video camera.
* Other than that the only facet of your plan that I take issue with is the part where you take over the world. Small detail, but I think that after you’re uploaded I’ll have you moved to an isolated system where won’t cause anyone any harm. Damn- you’re gonna be the coolest screen saver EVER!
😀
– Vijay
😀
– Vijay
Re: I feel compelled to ask, so I will…
Would you like Florida? No problem, it’s yours!
Or you can have the job of dungeon concubine. Whichever. 🙂
Re: And now a word from your arch-nemesis…
Germanium ions? What the–
!!
Dude! That wasn’t the nanovirus you stole, that was a general-purpose self-replicator! I wondered where that vial had got off to…
On the Olsen thing, I hadn’t actually planned to use a launch vehicle per se, but you’re right, your idea is much better. And just think of the royalties on that videotape!
Re: …Just give me Australia…
I have no idea how I missed Rosen and Valenti. You want ’em? They’re yours.
As for Australia…how about New Zealand instead? The scenery’s prettier…
Re: I feel compelled to ask, so I will…
Would you like Florida? No problem, it’s yours!
Or you can have the job of dungeon concubine. Whichever. 🙂
Well, since I already am thr dungron concubinr I’ll take Florida.
My first official action will be to send the Canadians and New Yorkers back where they came from. Then I’m taking back the swamp and “repurposing” the park employees, making them in charge of the border.
If you do not posess a resident’s visa there will be a long, winding line marked off with rope and a $100 fee just to get into Florida…