Finally have a chance to catch my breath. Almost two weeks of nonstop 11 and 12 hour days…it’s really been getting to me.
Although i suppose I shouldn’t complain. If you own teh business, it’s better to be too busy than not busy enough. Besides, the work paid for the nice, shiny new iMac I’m typing this on… Now if only I could get my router to work, so the rest of my computers could use my cable modem as well.
In any event:
What is it with women, anyway?
A couple of years ago, I had a friend who did something that kind of let me down. She was supposed to do something for me, which she didn’t do, and it ended up costing me a couple hundred dollars.
Fast forward to today. She’s dropped back into my life again, contacting me by email, and has made what appears to be a sincere, good-faith effort to get back into my good graces. She’s acknowledged that what she did was wrong, and she’s made an effort to reach out. I’m skeptical, but I’m willing to at least reciprocate her good-faith gesture, and see where it goes. This is a person I sincerely believe has a great deal of potential.
My wife is furious. Absolutely, positively, well and truly pissed off. She seems to think I should never even
consider speaking to this person again, under any circumstances.
So: What is it with women and grudges? Man, I swear, women in general often seem to behave as though everyone should be held to a perfect standard of behavior at all times, and the first time you cross then, that’s it! Nothing can ever make things right again.
I don’t think that’s realistic. i believe that as human beings we are all flawed, we’re all born of frailty and error, and that sooner or later, no matter how good a person you may be, you’re going to do something that pisses someone off. The real test of a friendship, and the real test of who you are as a person, is in how you behave after this happens.
I also believe that, all other things being equal, a person who makes a genuine good-faith effort to rectify something done wrong should be rewarded for it. It isn’t ealways easy to say syou’ve screwed up.
But then, I’m a guy, so what do I know?
Women can generally sniff out bad motives from other women…grins. We know who we are, even if you don’t.
I have a simpler explanation: Many women just don’t like other women.
I know several people, at least, who ascribe base motives to other people when none exist…
HAH, this explanation hardly applies to your wife as she *does* get along with other women.
Thus indicating that perhaps there is a good reason for her feelings on this matter.
She has reasons, but I don’t know that they’re “good.” In general, anyone she feels has done anything wrong to me, no matter how trivially, is never forgiven. Ever.
Women can generally sniff out bad motives from other women…grins. We know who we are, even if you don’t.
It might be a territorial thing.
However, if some guy who had ripped your wife off suddenly re-appeared in an effort to “Return to good graces”, would your reaction be any different?
Well, for starters, she didn’t really “rip me off;” the situation was a bit more complicated.
Having said that: It depends on the situation.
There is, of course, a lot of territory between “always forgive” and “never forgive.”
Were I to believe that the person in question was sincere, and willing to make a genuine effort to make things right, then I would at least give my wife the benefit of the doubt, and allow her to assess for herself whether she wanted to pursue a new friendship with that person, and to what degree.
But far more often, the behavior I’ve seen from many of the women I’ve known is simpler: You make one mistake, you’re out. Period. Forever. No forgiveness, no remorse; six years later, that woman will STILL be telling her friends what an unspeakable monster you are.
Regardless of the severity of the infraction, the circumstances of the infraction, or what you’ve done in the interim.
Now, I’m not saying my wide is always that extreme! But I am saying that in any situation where she can choose between forgiving a person who has made any misstep, and holding a grudge, she often will hold the grudge.
funny, in my experience, the women I know (and that has included myself in the past), turn themselves into pretzels to forgive the MEN in their lives just about anything. Their friends will be pointing out potholes in the relationship, to no avail. Hindsight ends up being 20/20. By then the damage is done.
OTOH, yeh, we hold other women to a higher standard. We expect solidarity, sisterhood, comradeship. Men. . . well, you just can’t expect as much from them, so let it slide.
Not fair, I know. 🙂
Now in this situation, of your wife and this woman friend. . . well, I can’t say without knowing the particulars of this instance. It’s a case-by-case thing. Maybe she thinks the friend could have too easily avoided costing you money and a tattered friendship, and having failed to take that easy way, proved something about herself, character-wise, that your wife believes will affect future situations.
Whatever, it might be a good thing not to give your friend as much rope in future, lest she hang herself. 🙂 Trust in Allah. . . but tie up your camel. 🙂
“OTOH, yeh, we hold other women to a higher standard. We expect solidarity, sisterhood, comradeship.”
Or, women just don’t like each other very much… 🙂
“Whatever, it might be a good thing not to give your friend as much rope in future, lest she hang herself.”
Oh, I definitely agree. I don’t think that anyone who does anything wrong should automatically be excused for it, and I do intend to be cautious should I decide to try to re-establish a friendship with her.
Which is still far from certain at this point.
I don’t think that an unqualified “forgive and forget” is necessarily the best policy in all circumstances. But I do believe that forgiving another person is sometimes apporopriate. There has to be a middle ground between “always forgive” and “never forgive.”
Being that I know some of the particulars the statement Roaming said rings true:
Now in this situation, of your wife and this woman friend. . . well, I can’t say without knowing the particulars of this instance. It’s a case-by-case thing. Maybe she thinks the friend could have too easily avoided costing you money and a tattered friendship, and having failed to take that easy way, proved something about herself, character-wise, that your wife believes will affect future situations.
I think the fact that it all could have been avoided very simply is why your wife is as admantant about the situation as she is.
“I think the fact that it all could have been avoided very simply is why your wife is as admantant about the situation as she is.”
Is it not almost universally true that at some point, most problems between people could have been avoided simply?
It might be a territorial thing.
However, if some guy who had ripped your wife off suddenly re-appeared in an effort to “Return to good graces”, would your reaction be any different?
I have a simpler explanation: Many women just don’t like other women.
I know several people, at least, who ascribe base motives to other people when none exist…
Well, for starters, she didn’t really “rip me off;” the situation was a bit more complicated.
Having said that: It depends on the situation.
There is, of course, a lot of territory between “always forgive” and “never forgive.”
Were I to believe that the person in question was sincere, and willing to make a genuine effort to make things right, then I would at least give my wife the benefit of the doubt, and allow her to assess for herself whether she wanted to pursue a new friendship with that person, and to what degree.
But far more often, the behavior I’ve seen from many of the women I’ve known is simpler: You make one mistake, you’re out. Period. Forever. No forgiveness, no remorse; six years later, that woman will STILL be telling her friends what an unspeakable monster you are.
Regardless of the severity of the infraction, the circumstances of the infraction, or what you’ve done in the interim.
Now, I’m not saying my wide is always that extreme! But I am saying that in any situation where she can choose between forgiving a person who has made any misstep, and holding a grudge, she often will hold the grudge.
HAH, this explanation hardly applies to your wife as she *does* get along with other women.
Thus indicating that perhaps there is a good reason for her feelings on this matter.
She has reasons, but I don’t know that they’re “good.” In general, anyone she feels has done anything wrong to me, no matter how trivially, is never forgiven. Ever.
funny, in my experience, the women I know (and that has included myself in the past), turn themselves into pretzels to forgive the MEN in their lives just about anything. Their friends will be pointing out potholes in the relationship, to no avail. Hindsight ends up being 20/20. By then the damage is done.
OTOH, yeh, we hold other women to a higher standard. We expect solidarity, sisterhood, comradeship. Men. . . well, you just can’t expect as much from them, so let it slide.
Not fair, I know. 🙂
Now in this situation, of your wife and this woman friend. . . well, I can’t say without knowing the particulars of this instance. It’s a case-by-case thing. Maybe she thinks the friend could have too easily avoided costing you money and a tattered friendship, and having failed to take that easy way, proved something about herself, character-wise, that your wife believes will affect future situations.
Whatever, it might be a good thing not to give your friend as much rope in future, lest she hang herself. 🙂 Trust in Allah. . . but tie up your camel. 🙂
“OTOH, yeh, we hold other women to a higher standard. We expect solidarity, sisterhood, comradeship.”
Or, women just don’t like each other very much… 🙂
“Whatever, it might be a good thing not to give your friend as much rope in future, lest she hang herself.”
Oh, I definitely agree. I don’t think that anyone who does anything wrong should automatically be excused for it, and I do intend to be cautious should I decide to try to re-establish a friendship with her.
Which is still far from certain at this point.
I don’t think that an unqualified “forgive and forget” is necessarily the best policy in all circumstances. But I do believe that forgiving another person is sometimes apporopriate. There has to be a middle ground between “always forgive” and “never forgive.”
Being that I know some of the particulars the statement Roaming said rings true:
Now in this situation, of your wife and this woman friend. . . well, I can’t say without knowing the particulars of this instance. It’s a case-by-case thing. Maybe she thinks the friend could have too easily avoided costing you money and a tattered friendship, and having failed to take that easy way, proved something about herself, character-wise, that your wife believes will affect future situations.
I think the fact that it all could have been avoided very simply is why your wife is as admantant about the situation as she is.
“I think the fact that it all could have been avoided very simply is why your wife is as admantant about the situation as she is.”
Is it not almost universally true that at some point, most problems between people could have been avoided simply?
a screw loose or the driven screw?
generally the story is told in listening to how a person thinks; how long does it take to figure out what gets doing…………linear thinking or otherwise……from my experience we women tend to be like rabbits in the way we think, darting off in all directions and difficult to follow in terms of figuring out the destination…….men generally, look around, scope the terrain, decide if a decision needs to made immediately or at a later date and proceed accordingly; no fuss no muss…………..while we women are still fuming along the crooked road to god knows where; attempting to judge the forever ‘judgeables’ ie: but but but it isn’t FAIR soooooooooo ‘f’ them ! 😉
Re: a screw loose or the driven screw?
“from my experience we women tend to be like rabbits in the way we think, darting off in all directions and difficult to follow in terms of figuring out the destination…….men generally, look around, scope the terrain, decide if a decision needs to made immediately or at a later date and proceed accordingly; no fuss no muss…”
You know, the more I think about that, the more I think it’s true.
We men are pretty simple, when it comes right down to it… 🙂
a screw loose or the driven screw?
generally the story is told in listening to how a person thinks; how long does it take to figure out what gets doing…………linear thinking or otherwise……from my experience we women tend to be like rabbits in the way we think, darting off in all directions and difficult to follow in terms of figuring out the destination…….men generally, look around, scope the terrain, decide if a decision needs to made immediately or at a later date and proceed accordingly; no fuss no muss…………..while we women are still fuming along the crooked road to god knows where; attempting to judge the forever ‘judgeables’ ie: but but but it isn’t FAIR soooooooooo ‘f’ them ! 😉
Re: a screw loose or the driven screw?
“from my experience we women tend to be like rabbits in the way we think, darting off in all directions and difficult to follow in terms of figuring out the destination…….men generally, look around, scope the terrain, decide if a decision needs to made immediately or at a later date and proceed accordingly; no fuss no muss…”
You know, the more I think about that, the more I think it’s true.
We men are pretty simple, when it comes right down to it… 🙂