It seems to me that a lot of basic ideas behind happy, healthy relationships are often considered “advanced,” and seem to take rather a lot more time to learn than perhaps they really ought to.
At least, they sometimes did for your humble scribe. Ahem.
So, in the interests of spreading the wealth (because experience is the best teacher, but sometimes the tuition is very high), I present Relationship Ideas That Should Be Obvious But Aren’t.
You can’t expect to have what you want if you don’t ask for what you want.
This is arguably one of the most basic rules for all of life, yet it’s surprising how often we forget. There’s almost no greater recipe for emotional turmoil then wanting something or harboring some expectation, not telling anyone about it, and then not getting it.
Next time you get really, really upset about some desire or expectation not being met, stop and ask yourself: “Did I actually let the people around me know about it?” (Here’s a tip: Dropping hints about what you want doesn’t count. Neither does wishing really hard. Nor waiting for the folks around you to become telepathic.)
If all of your relationships go pear-shaped in the same exact way and end badly in the same exact way, then maybe it’s because of something you’re doing.
Seriously. The one common element in all your relationship failures is you. Someone cheat on you? Well, that sucks, but it happens. Every single person you ever date in your life cheat on you? You’re attracted to folks who cheat.
If all of your relationships end the same way, maybe it’s time to step back and take a good, hard look at the kinds of folks you’re attracted to.
If you find that sex always becomes boring after a while in all your relationships, maybe it’s because you’re choosing to let it.
There’s a lot of fun you can have in (and out) of the bedroom. The total range of the human sexual experience is breathtaking–so much so that if you lived to be a thousand years old and did something different in bed every night for that entire thousand years, you’d still never have time to do it all. Seriously.
If you find that your sex life keeps getting stuck in a rut, maybe it’s time to explore something new. (A sure way to make yourself crazy and have a boring sex life is to keep worrying about whether trying something new would be “too weird.” The expression “That’s too weird” has done more to advance the cause of boring sex than all the world’s religions combined.)
Going into a relationship with the expectation that you can get your partner to change is quite likely to end in tears.
Now, don’t get me wrong–people can and do change. In fact, change is the one constant in life. I’m not the person I was five years ago, and if you’re doing this properly, you aren’t either.
But expecting that a person will change in the ways that you want him to, because you want him to, is setting yourself up for suck and fail. Fixer-upper relationships usually don’t work. And if you go into things thinking “Oh, I can fix him!” you just might find your ship of enthusiasm foundering on the shoals of the fact that maybe he likes being the way he is.
A relationship in which you say “This relationship is absolutely wonderful except for…” is not absolutely wonderful. Especially when the part that comes after the “except for…” is something so horrifying it’d make most folks run for the hills.
This relationship is wonderful except for the fact that we’re completely incompatible in bed. This relationship is wonderful except for the fact that she keeps forgetting to take her meds. This relationship is wonderful except for the fact that he can’t talk honestly about his feelings. Look out!
For maximum effect, try combining “this relationship is wonderful except for…” with “…but I know I can change him” and double your suck!
A partner who is kind to you but not kind to the waitress isn’t a kind person.
Seriously. The fact that he’s kind to you might just mean that he wants something from you. (Or that you’re not his property…yet. Marry that person who’s nice to you but not nice to the waitress and you might just find that once the ring is on your finger, he may start treating you like the waitress. Or worse.)
The way a person treats the folks around him reveals a lot about his true self. Pay attention.
It is possible to deeply, profoundly, genuinely, truly love someone, and yet that person might still not be a good partner for you.
It takes more than love to make a relationship work. A person you love, but who is incompatible with you, or who lacks good relationship skills, or who can’t communicate with you, is not going to make for a functional, healthy relationship. Love and five bucks will get you a cup of coffee. Or, to put it more scientifically, love is necessary but not sufficient, no matter how many Disney movies and romantic comedies say otherwise.
Though really, if you’re taking your cues on relationship from Disney movies and romantic comedies, there’s probably little that I or anyone else can do.
Find a way to build a friendship with that person that honors and respects that love without trying to turn it into something unsustainable and you’ll do okay. And as a corollary:
Being in love with someone doesn’t mean you HAVE to be in a relationship with that person.
Seriously. You have a choice. You can love someone, and acknowledge that love, and still choose not to be romantically involved with that person.
That’s one of the cool things about being a human being You get to choose.
You can’t have intimacy without sharing. If you spend your time hiding things from your partner, or worrying about whether or not you can share something with your partner, you’re not going to have an intimate relationship.
Everything you conceal from your partner undermines the foundation of intimacy upon which relationships are built.
No, that doesn’t mean telling your partner every time you take a dump (and why is it that folks who don’t cotton to sharing and openness always reach for that example?). But it does mean sharing everything that’s important, significant, or meaningful. Even if it’s uncomfortable.
Especially if it’s uncomfortable, because the fact that it’s uncomfortable probably means there’s something important lurking in there. Communication ain’t for sissies.
What you get out depends on what you put in. Approach every new partner with fear and suspicion, and you’ll have fearful, suspicious partners.
Te best way to have a friend is to be a friend. The best way to have people around you who have compassion and integrity is to be a person with compassion and integrity. The best way to fill your life with suck and fail is to fill other people’s lives with suck and fail.
You know that saying “opposites attract”? It’s rubbish. Honest people look for, and attract, other honest people.
A person who has cheated on someone else to be with you cannot be trusted not to cheat on you to be with someone else.
No, you’re not different. You’re not a rare and unique flower, so totally set apart from that shrill, obnoxious harpy that he’s with right now. You know how he tells you that you’re so much better than that monster he’s hooked up with? I bet he says the same thing about you to the other person he’s shagging. You know, the one that neither you nor his other partner knows about.
Be wary of a person who trashes all their exes in front of you, for someday you’ll likely be on that list yourself.
You know that person with the long list of former partners, all of whom were shrill, obnoxious harpies? Does something seem odd about that list to you?
Best case scenario, it means he keeps getting involved with the same sorts of people again and again, and doesn’t learn anything from any of those experiences. What do you reckon that says about you?
Worst case scenario, it’s a clear sign of someone who doesn’t take responsibility for his own part in all those past train wrecks. Which means he ain’t learning from any of them. Which means…you’re the next train wreck. What do you suppose he’ll say about you to the train wreck that follows after you?
Tell the truth from the start, and you won’t have to worry about any nasty revelations down the road.
Especially about things you worry might scare her off. Seriously, if the truth about you makes you incompatible as a romantic partner, you want to scare her off. You’re bisexual but your new love interest hates gays? You fancy country music and your partner would rather die than listen to it? Hiding those things doesn’t help your cause; it merely makes the blowup that much more dramatic when the truth comes out.
Which it will, eventually.
Be honest, be true to who you are, and you won’t have to worry about what happens if you slip up. On the other hand, make yourself seem like something you’re not, even if it’s to make yourself seem more attractive to the other person (hell, especially if it’s to make yourself seem more attractive to the other person!) is going to end badly, sooner or later. I promise.
i knew there was someone else living in my brain; apparently it’s been you. and BTW, stop eating all my peanut butter.
it’s a very, very frightening thing to go down this list and think of how many of these very same lessons i’ve blogged about here to one degree or another. yup, yup, yup. *headdesk*
where the hell were you N years ago when i was desperately wishing to learn from someone else’s mistakes so i’d stop making my own?? *smile*
and dude, i’m serious about the peanut butter. cut that shite out.
Mmm, peanut butter.
i knew there was someone else living in my brain; apparently it’s been you. and BTW, stop eating all my peanut butter.
it’s a very, very frightening thing to go down this list and think of how many of these very same lessons i’ve blogged about here to one degree or another. yup, yup, yup. *headdesk*
where the hell were you N years ago when i was desperately wishing to learn from someone else’s mistakes so i’d stop making my own?? *smile*
and dude, i’m serious about the peanut butter. cut that shite out.
This should be required reading…
for everyone in the Universe.
Thanks. 🙂
This should be required reading…
for everyone in the Universe.
Thanks. 🙂
…you’re the next rain wreck.
Sobbing in the rain for added emo!
AAIGH!!! Fixed now.
…you’re the next rain wreck.
Sobbing in the rain for added emo!
AAIGH!!! Fixed now.
In non-nitpicky news…
Could you expand on the “fear and suspicion” one? Having wicked anxiety doesn’t help me not approach everyone with suspicion.
That may be true, but feelings and actions are different things.
It’s the actions that count; you can feel anxious and still choose actions that are courageous. It’s not easy, but it makes a huge difference. Saying “I feel anxious, so I won’t go out with my partner right now” or “I feel suspicious, so I’m going to confront my partner as soon as he gets home” is planting the seeds of relationship trouble. Saying “I feel suspicious, but I also recognize that this suspicion isn’t grounded in reality, so I’m going to choose not to confront my partner about these suspicions and not to behave poorly around him” is a very different thing.
And I’ve certainly found that dealing with anxiety myself by choosing to do the things I want to do in spite of it has been a great way to make it disappear over time. 🙂
So like when I say, “I feel anxious, but I am going to act in a fashion that assumes trust, because my anxious is baseless.”
(Context for this is, I recently gave up my requirement that partnerfolk tell me about new interests, in favour of trusting that they’d want to tell me. I felt kind of ill for a week, but actual data has shown that they’ll totally tell me and I’m totally fine, so.)
In non-nitpicky news…
Could you expand on the “fear and suspicion” one? Having wicked anxiety doesn’t help me not approach everyone with suspicion.
*immediately files this one in my Folder O’ Awesome Essays, to pull out for ease of reference in future conversations.
*immediately files this one in my Folder O’ Awesome Essays, to pull out for ease of reference in future conversations.
The HARDEST thing for me to learn was that it was OK to ask for things.
I am so with you on that.
I spent a very long time fearing that I wouldn’t be able to handle asking and being told no. Surprisingly, that rarely happens.
IAWTC. Still working on it, as my subconscious assumption is either that the answer will be no, or that the askee will use this opportunity to try and get something out of me.
The HARDEST thing for me to learn was that it was OK to ask for things.
I am so with you on that.
Many thanks…
and I shall be quoting these muchly!
Many thanks…
and I shall be quoting these muchly!
I spent a very long time fearing that I wouldn’t be able to handle asking and being told no. Surprisingly, that rarely happens.
Franklin, you just might be the world’s most foremost purveyor of pragmatic wisdom.
Why, thank you! Though I just call ’em like I see ’em. And I think learning from the other guy’s mistakes is sometimes a lot easier, y’know? Everything on this list is something that I’ve had to learn–sometimes painfully–and these are the kinds of things I wish i could go back and tell the 22-year-old me.
Franklin, you just might be the world’s most foremost purveyor of pragmatic wisdom.
Being in love with someone doesn’t mean you HAVE to be in a relationship with that person.
So true – I often say I still love my ex – but no way would I want to be in a relationship with him. His love of the bottle is more important than people – I’m on a much better journey for me…..
…as I tried to explain to a previous landlord when he decided to let my ex-bf move in with me without even notifying me first, let alone asking how I felt about it (was a multi-bedroom house and I was renting a room).
We may be great friends now, but the reason we broke up is because we can’t live together. Just because I care about him doesn’t mean I can be with him. It just means I care.
Yes- and sometimes that prefix “ex” should be a clue for people 😉
Being in love with someone doesn’t mean you HAVE to be in a relationship with that person.
So true – I often say I still love my ex – but no way would I want to be in a relationship with him. His love of the bottle is more important than people – I’m on a much better journey for me…..
Wow dude! You just so rock. I would so love to meet you one day and shake your hand (or hug you) for all the great shit you come up with.
Thank you! 🙂
Wow dude! You just so rock. I would so love to meet you one day and shake your hand (or hug you) for all the great shit you come up with.
(Here’s a tip: Dropping hints about what you want doesn’t count. Neither does wishing really hard. Nor waiting for the folks around you to become telepathic.)
It’s amazing to me how many people don’t understand this.
Great as always, Franklin. Thanks for taking the time to write it up.
I was in a relationship with someone who thought he might do some remodeling. His friend made a suggestion but he didn’t like it. His friend and I both teased him for weeks afterwards that we thought he should do it. Neither of us ultimately cared about his design choices, it was just kind of a running gag or an ongoing joke.
Apparently, the fact that he said he didn’t want to take the suggestion was supposed to tell me how much it bothered him that I kept suggesting it.
*blink blink*
And when I expressed my inability to read his mind, he suggested that maybe he just had a different communication style and that I was too stubborn to admit that I was the one who was wrong here.
Argh. This kind of thing makes me nuts (and, for that matter, is one part of the parameters that narrow my circle of friends). We have a 9-year-old and, IMO, this is one of my most important teaching tasks: I would have our son be — like we are ourselves — an “Ask Culture” person. (We had a whole talk on my journal about Ask/Guess once but I can’t find that entry; this link will at least click you through to what I mean.)
And that’s not the exact same thing as what we are discussing in this comment thread, but it’s the same underlying principle. And at the root of it, and what I think is THE most important teaching task I have as a parent, is this: choose consciously. All the time. Every choice. Every minute. Every minute *is* a choice.
I always tell my son I’m fine if he wants to go around (failingly) dropping hints or “wishing” or whatever as long as he *owns* it — both the behavior and the result. And it’s funny how quickly people (including children) give up things that making them unhappy once they *really* understand how and what ownership of their choices means.
Blarg, I can go on about this sort of thing all day. 🙂
That’s a good explanation for what you’re talking about – Ask vs. Guess culture. And also owning your choices. There was a single issue we had where he did actively ask for something and I denied it for issues of time management. He brought that point up whenever I complained of not being able to read his mind and why communication was important. That he did once ask for something and I said no.
I think I ought to right a journal entry about this concept in the near future myself, thanks!
(Here’s a tip: Dropping hints about what you want doesn’t count. Neither does wishing really hard. Nor waiting for the folks around you to become telepathic.)
It’s amazing to me how many people don’t understand this.
Great as always, Franklin. Thanks for taking the time to write it up.
Going into a relationship with the expectation that you can get your partner to change is quite likely to end in tears.
I can’t remember which divorce lawyer said this, but it was definitely a divorce lawyer: “Women get married in the hopes the guy will change. Guys get married in the hopes the woman won’t change. Both are wrong.”
I just get into relationships with the hope that the person he *says* he is, actually *is* who he is. I keep getting disappointed though.
What they do is so much better an indicator than what they say they are, that I pretty much ignore whatever they say about such things.
…dunno what to do about bios on dating sites (OKCupid, PMM, and the like), though. Go for how they say it rather than what they say? Ignore the whole bio and look for good photos? Give up on dating altogether?
I don’t think it’s a good idea to ignore what people say about themselves. The trick is to see if there are any descrepancies between what they say and what they do, but in the beginning, all you have to go on is what they say, whether it’s online or in person.
As for online, the bio is the whole reason why the internet is such a useful dating tool. It allows you to weed out the people who are incompatible without ever meeting them, saving time and energy for those who at least have the possibility of being compatible.
I do not look at photos until after several conversations have passed. People who *only* look at photos to decide if they will contact someone might as well go back to the bars and pick up on only the cutie sitting at the corner – you are just as likely to hit on a match as random chance when using only physical description and nothing else. I prefer to up my odds a bit so as to not waste my time or theirs.
What said about who he was is what drew me to him in the first place and 4.5 years later I have yet to be disappointed in him. He has had ample time to show me that what he says is what he does, but it was what he said at first that made me take notice.
Awesome quote! Like life, it’s funny because it’s true…
Going into a relationship with the expectation that you can get your partner to change is quite likely to end in tears.
I can’t remember which divorce lawyer said this, but it was definitely a divorce lawyer: “Women get married in the hopes the guy will change. Guys get married in the hopes the woman won’t change. Both are wrong.”
“Being in love with someone doesn’t mean you HAVE to be in a relationship with that person.”
I agree with this and would suggest that it could also say: “Being in lust with someone doesn’t mean you HAVE to be in a relationship with that person.”
I find it disturbing that some people seem to think they NEED to have a relationship with anyone and everyone they lust after and that they are entitled to pursue that regardless. Maybe that’s just me though.
heh, I find that pathological 🙂
I actually revel in the sexual and/or emotional attraction to someone with whom a romantic relationship is ultimately not practical. It adds a unique flavor to that platonic friendship. I don’t spend much time trying to make a relationship into something it can’t be, I try to enjoy the relationship for what it is.
Oh, I agree, and it’s frustrating sometimes.
The biological soup that starts bubbling in our brains makes that a difficult thing to remember, sometimes, but yeah.
“Being in love with someone doesn’t mean you HAVE to be in a relationship with that person.”
I agree with this and would suggest that it could also say: “Being in lust with someone doesn’t mean you HAVE to be in a relationship with that person.”
I find it disturbing that some people seem to think they NEED to have a relationship with anyone and everyone they lust after and that they are entitled to pursue that regardless. Maybe that’s just me though.
I was in a relationship with someone who thought he might do some remodeling. His friend made a suggestion but he didn’t like it. His friend and I both teased him for weeks afterwards that we thought he should do it. Neither of us ultimately cared about his design choices, it was just kind of a running gag or an ongoing joke.
Apparently, the fact that he said he didn’t want to take the suggestion was supposed to tell me how much it bothered him that I kept suggesting it.
*blink blink*
And when I expressed my inability to read his mind, he suggested that maybe he just had a different communication style and that I was too stubborn to admit that I was the one who was wrong here.
heh, I find that pathological 🙂
I actually revel in the sexual and/or emotional attraction to someone with whom a romantic relationship is ultimately not practical. It adds a unique flavor to that platonic friendship. I don’t spend much time trying to make a relationship into something it can’t be, I try to enjoy the relationship for what it is.
I agree with all of these.
Re #9, there are some who need to keep secrets — big, important secrets — from everyone in life: mothers, fathers, new girlfriends, etc. I’m afraid that intimacy in a relationship will definitely be compromised if you are hiding a large part of who you are, but sometimes that’s the price you pay. Just hope the payoff is worth it.
Yeah, I had the unfortunate experience of having one of those. It was a guy who’d been trained by his parents never to lie to them and never to tell them anything they couldn’t handle hearing (i.e. didn’t want to hear). His choice was to lie to them so that they never had to hear anything they didn’t want to hear.
When I heard that I should have run for the hills. I didn’t. Nowadays, I would.
What kinds of secrets do you think that people have to take?
There can be a fine line, sometimes, between maintaining privacy and keeping secrets. The line gets even more blurred when you have to keep parts of your lie secret or risk losing a job, losing custody of a child, being discharged from the military, and so on.
But I think that in those situations it is important to guard against the tendency to make keeping secrets habitual, and start reflexively closing off parts of your life even to your partners. That can quickly become destructive to a relationship.
I agree with all of these.
Re #9, there are some who need to keep secrets — big, important secrets — from everyone in life: mothers, fathers, new girlfriends, etc. I’m afraid that intimacy in a relationship will definitely be compromised if you are hiding a large part of who you are, but sometimes that’s the price you pay. Just hope the payoff is worth it.
…as I tried to explain to a previous landlord when he decided to let my ex-bf move in with me without even notifying me first, let alone asking how I felt about it (was a multi-bedroom house and I was renting a room).
We may be great friends now, but the reason we broke up is because we can’t live together. Just because I care about him doesn’t mean I can be with him. It just means I care.
I just get into relationships with the hope that the person he *says* he is, actually *is* who he is. I keep getting disappointed though.
What they do is so much better an indicator than what they say they are, that I pretty much ignore whatever they say about such things.
…dunno what to do about bios on dating sites (OKCupid, PMM, and the like), though. Go for how they say it rather than what they say? Ignore the whole bio and look for good photos? Give up on dating altogether?
I don’t think it’s a good idea to ignore what people say about themselves. The trick is to see if there are any descrepancies between what they say and what they do, but in the beginning, all you have to go on is what they say, whether it’s online or in person.
As for online, the bio is the whole reason why the internet is such a useful dating tool. It allows you to weed out the people who are incompatible without ever meeting them, saving time and energy for those who at least have the possibility of being compatible.
I do not look at photos until after several conversations have passed. People who *only* look at photos to decide if they will contact someone might as well go back to the bars and pick up on only the cutie sitting at the corner – you are just as likely to hit on a match as random chance when using only physical description and nothing else. I prefer to up my odds a bit so as to not waste my time or theirs.
What said about who he was is what drew me to him in the first place and 4.5 years later I have yet to be disappointed in him. He has had ample time to show me that what he says is what he does, but it was what he said at first that made me take notice.
1) actually TELLING MY PARTNER WHAT I WANT was the most damn difficult thing i ever learned to do. i DID expect my Ex to be psychic. what a waste. now i FORCE myself to SPEAK when it’s important. go me.
2) the “not nice to the waitress” thing is really true. my ex was an ASS to servers. was it only a matter of time before he was an ass to me? yeppers.
MUCH good thought and common sense- but SO hard to DO– here.
1) actually TELLING MY PARTNER WHAT I WANT was the most damn difficult thing i ever learned to do. i DID expect my Ex to be psychic. what a waste. now i FORCE myself to SPEAK when it’s important. go me.
2) the “not nice to the waitress” thing is really true. my ex was an ASS to servers. was it only a matter of time before he was an ass to me? yeppers.
MUCH good thought and common sense- but SO hard to DO– here.
thank you. You are so amazing.
Franklin, can I cross post chunks of this to a girlie community of mine? These 18-26 year old girls really need to read a lot of this.
I would credit your amazingness, of course.
Absolutely!
I just posted it…thank you so much, hon, you’re wonderful as usual.
thank you. You are so amazing.
Franklin, can I cross post chunks of this to a girlie community of mine? These 18-26 year old girls really need to read a lot of this.
I would credit your amazingness, of course.
Yes- and sometimes that prefix “ex” should be a clue for people 😉
All of what you said is right, but of course I have to put my damn opinion in, so about #1: yes, that is true, but it is also true that knowing this does not absolve you from paying attention. While it’s your responsibility to ask me for what you want, if I’m in a relationship with you, it’s also my responsibility to pay attention to what you need and what makes you happy and take that into consideration. I am not required to be a mind reader, but you do have a right to expect me to give it my best shot anyway.
No matter how good you get at asking, if on day one you ask for a bowl of soup, and then on day two you ask for a bowl of soup, and then on day three you ask for a bowl of soup, eventually it’s going to get really old and you’ll wish I would just bring you a fucking bowl of soup without you having to ask me yet again.
Expecting your partner to own their shit and you to own yours does not absolve each of you from caring about each other’s shit anyway.
I’m just sayin’. 🙂
yes, that is true, but it is also true that knowing this does not absolve you from paying attention.
I could not agree more. Thank you for stating this.
And I would also add, that when someone is in crisis, it also their least likely time to be able to pro-actively ask for what they need/want. Heck, they may not even know what it is they need. And that does not absolve those that care about them from being there.
*nod* S’true. This stuff is complicated. 🙂
Thirded.
Also, corollary to ‘you cannot fix other people, and trying is the road to fail’…
Other people can’t fix YOU either, and asking/expecting them to is also a road to fail.
Yep, communication is a two-way street. And I’d say that answering “The same thing I want every day, Pinky–chicken soup!” in response to “what would you like for lunch?” qualifies as asking for what you want.
Pinky and the Brain references improve all human interactions. 🙂
All of what you said is right, but of course I have to put my damn opinion in, so about #1: yes, that is true, but it is also true that knowing this does not absolve you from paying attention. While it’s your responsibility to ask me for what you want, if I’m in a relationship with you, it’s also my responsibility to pay attention to what you need and what makes you happy and take that into consideration. I am not required to be a mind reader, but you do have a right to expect me to give it my best shot anyway.
No matter how good you get at asking, if on day one you ask for a bowl of soup, and then on day two you ask for a bowl of soup, and then on day three you ask for a bowl of soup, eventually it’s going to get really old and you’ll wish I would just bring you a fucking bowl of soup without you having to ask me yet again.
Expecting your partner to own their shit and you to own yours does not absolve each of you from caring about each other’s shit anyway.
I’m just sayin’. 🙂
Yeah, I had the unfortunate experience of having one of those. It was a guy who’d been trained by his parents never to lie to them and never to tell them anything they couldn’t handle hearing (i.e. didn’t want to hear). His choice was to lie to them so that they never had to hear anything they didn’t want to hear.
When I heard that I should have run for the hills. I didn’t. Nowadays, I would.
Many thanks for this!
Many thanks for this!
Argh. This kind of thing makes me nuts (and, for that matter, is one part of the parameters that narrow my circle of friends). We have a 9-year-old and, IMO, this is one of my most important teaching tasks: I would have our son be — like we are ourselves — an “Ask Culture” person. (We had a whole talk on my journal about Ask/Guess once but I can’t find that entry; this link will at least click you through to what I mean.)
And that’s not the exact same thing as what we are discussing in this comment thread, but it’s the same underlying principle. And at the root of it, and what I think is THE most important teaching task I have as a parent, is this: choose consciously. All the time. Every choice. Every minute. Every minute *is* a choice.
I always tell my son I’m fine if he wants to go around (failingly) dropping hints or “wishing” or whatever as long as he *owns* it — both the behavior and the result. And it’s funny how quickly people (including children) give up things that making them unhappy once they *really* understand how and what ownership of their choices means.
Blarg, I can go on about this sort of thing all day. 🙂
If I may, I have a few friends that NEED to read this. They seem to follow the same cycle of crap over and over.
I’ve gone through many of these. The BF who treats the waitress bad (I got engaged to him, and later found myself with wonderful bruises), The BF who has the list of crazy ex girlfriends (same guy), the cheater (a couple of them), the lies (too many to list)…. *sigh* I’m in a relationship now that has a good balance of friendship and love, communication, trust and respect. It’s been almost 8 months and we still have yet to argue. We’ve had disagreements and talked about it, but have never yelled at each other yet. Oh btw.. Onyx has made things more interesting (not that they were getting boring, but it’s surely amped up the fun).
As said above by a previous poster, I would have loved to have read this MANY years ago. Would have saved me some pain, but I guess I wouldn’t have found the person I’m with now.
Great bit. I want to share this with friends who need a clue.
If I may, I have a few friends that NEED to read this. They seem to follow the same cycle of crap over and over.
I’ve gone through many of these. The BF who treats the waitress bad (I got engaged to him, and later found myself with wonderful bruises), The BF who has the list of crazy ex girlfriends (same guy), the cheater (a couple of them), the lies (too many to list)…. *sigh* I’m in a relationship now that has a good balance of friendship and love, communication, trust and respect. It’s been almost 8 months and we still have yet to argue. We’ve had disagreements and talked about it, but have never yelled at each other yet. Oh btw.. Onyx has made things more interesting (not that they were getting boring, but it’s surely amped up the fun).
As said above by a previous poster, I would have loved to have read this MANY years ago. Would have saved me some pain, but I guess I wouldn’t have found the person I’m with now.
Great bit. I want to share this with friends who need a clue.
yes, that is true, but it is also true that knowing this does not absolve you from paying attention.
I could not agree more. Thank you for stating this.
And I would also add, that when someone is in crisis, it also their least likely time to be able to pro-actively ask for what they need/want. Heck, they may not even know what it is they need. And that does not absolve those that care about them from being there.
*nod* S’true. This stuff is complicated. 🙂
Very insightful. Very true. I want to share this with a dear friend. She’s been dreadfully hurt in the past but now is with a great guy. However, she is just so convinced that the same thing is going to happen that she continues to look for ways to sabatoge (sp?) the relationship. She’s afraid of being happy.
Very insightful. Very true. I want to share this with a dear friend. She’s been dreadfully hurt in the past but now is with a great guy. However, she is just so convinced that the same thing is going to happen that she continues to look for ways to sabatoge (sp?) the relationship. She’s afraid of being happy.
Thirded.
Also, corollary to ‘you cannot fix other people, and trying is the road to fail’…
Other people can’t fix YOU either, and asking/expecting them to is also a road to fail.
Yeah, I’m gonna have to mem this and link it liberally in and . Especially the “The relationship is wonderful except for …” part.
I’ve actually been thinking about reposting it in ST. I’t snot about sex per se, though.
Yeah, I’m gonna have to mem this and link it liberally in and . Especially the “The relationship is wonderful except for …” part.
That’s a good explanation for what you’re talking about – Ask vs. Guess culture. And also owning your choices. There was a single issue we had where he did actively ask for something and I denied it for issues of time management. He brought that point up whenever I complained of not being able to read his mind and why communication was important. That he did once ask for something and I said no.
I think I ought to right a journal entry about this concept in the near future myself, thanks!
Dude, this is genius! In particular, the Garbage In, Garbage Out philosophy (you get out what you put in) and the idea that if a person is willing to trash his ex (usually in the form of calling her “crazy,” in my experience), he will 100% be guaranteed to describe you the same way one day. Run for the hills from anyone who can’t be decent about the ex.
Must repost to my LJ and PW, pronto!
Yay!
And you should become a Symtoys affiliate, too, and try to make some money!
Are there you are…
So I was handed a link to this post by my-friendly ex and while reading it I thought, “cunningminx would gobble this up for a PW post!” and here you are commenting. The world is flat, flat I tell you!
Dude, this is genius! In particular, the Garbage In, Garbage Out philosophy (you get out what you put in) and the idea that if a person is willing to trash his ex (usually in the form of calling her “crazy,” in my experience), he will 100% be guaranteed to describe you the same way one day. Run for the hills from anyone who can’t be decent about the ex.
Must repost to my LJ and PW, pronto!
Mmm, peanut butter.
Awesome quote! Like life, it’s funny because it’s true…
Absolutely!
Yep, communication is a two-way street. And I’d say that answering “The same thing I want every day, Pinky–chicken soup!” in response to “what would you like for lunch?” qualifies as asking for what you want.
I’ve actually been thinking about reposting it in ST. I’t snot about sex per se, though.
Yay!
And you should become a Symtoys affiliate, too, and try to make some money!
Pinky and the Brain references improve all human interactions. 🙂
I don’t know you, but someone linked to this post, and I thought it was rather articulate. Good job!
Thanks! 🙂
I don’t know you, but someone linked to this post, and I thought it was rather articulate. Good job!
Thank you so much for this! I promptly sent everyone I know a link to it, and posted it on the forum of my (largely poly) community of friends. Hopefully it’ll do some good, and alleviate some of the painfully bad relationships that go down.
~Duk
Thank you so much for this! I promptly sent everyone I know a link to it, and posted it on the forum of my (largely poly) community of friends. Hopefully it’ll do some good, and alleviate some of the painfully bad relationships that go down.
~Duk
“It is possible to deeply, profoundly, genuinely, truly love someone, and yet that person might still not be a good partner for you.”
All of your points are excellent ones, and this is getting filed away (crediting you of course) in my “reference often” folder. However, that one particular point (above) resonated highly with me due to the breakup of a 7 year marriage. I call it the head/heart dilemma. My head knows better, but my heart still hurts.
Thanks for sharing this tacit.
“It is possible to deeply, profoundly, genuinely, truly love someone, and yet that person might still not be a good partner for you.”
All of your points are excellent ones, and this is getting filed away (crediting you of course) in my “reference often” folder. However, that one particular point (above) resonated highly with me due to the breakup of a 7 year marriage. I call it the head/heart dilemma. My head knows better, but my heart still hurts.
Thanks for sharing this tacit.
I would just like to say this is thoughtful and brilliant and every single person on LJ should read it. And everyone else.
Thanks! 🙂
I would just like to say this is thoughtful and brilliant and every single person on LJ should read it. And everyone else.
A lovely peice. Full of both thought and insight.
I would add to the waitress scenario. For straight females watch how a man treats his mom, sisters and female friends. And for straight males, look closely at a girl’s mother.
You can catch a glimspse of the future in both.
A lovely peice. Full of both thought and insight.
I would add to the waitress scenario. For straight females watch how a man treats his mom, sisters and female friends. And for straight males, look closely at a girl’s mother.
You can catch a glimspse of the future in both.
you could sell this as a book and make alot of money!
you could sell this as a book and make alot of money!
Her via popfiend.
Wonderful writing! These are such hard lessons to learn, and it took me quite a while to learn them. Thanks for writing this so well! This is everything I would love to tell my kids, and have them actually listen to it.
Her via popfiend.
Wonderful writing! These are such hard lessons to learn, and it took me quite a while to learn them. Thanks for writing this so well! This is everything I would love to tell my kids, and have them actually listen to it.
It feels like something’s missing here..perhaps the dynamism of relationships?
It goes with the labeling of cheater and the ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ philosophy. But it’s not JUST about identifying the pattern of the partners you pick.
Cheating also has to do with the interaction of the relationship. We’ve been taught to be cautious with systems theory and that it’s not about labels and blame of “the cheater”. And it’s not JUST about patterns. It’s about the interaction and that the couple together ‘arranges’ for someone to cheat when things go bad. It’s possible it’s not because “you’re attracted to people who cheat,” it could be because you’re emotionally distant and people look for intimacy elsewhere when they can’t find it from you.
Given, there may be something to be said about the morals of people who are willing to cheat rather than call off the relationship or something, but there’s a lot more that plays into it than just ‘being attracted to cheaters’.
If I understand what you’re saying, it’s not in opposition to Tacit’s point.
Another way to say “attracted to people who cheat” might be “attracted to people who want more intimacy than you have to offer, and don’t have the skills to realize ththe imbalance before committing and deal with it in an honest & communicative fashion”.
No, it’s definitely not in opposition to anything written. More of a “this AND..”
It feels like something’s missing here..perhaps the dynamism of relationships?
It goes with the labeling of cheater and the ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ philosophy. But it’s not JUST about identifying the pattern of the partners you pick.
Cheating also has to do with the interaction of the relationship. We’ve been taught to be cautious with systems theory and that it’s not about labels and blame of “the cheater”. And it’s not JUST about patterns. It’s about the interaction and that the couple together ‘arranges’ for someone to cheat when things go bad. It’s possible it’s not because “you’re attracted to people who cheat,” it could be because you’re emotionally distant and people look for intimacy elsewhere when they can’t find it from you.
Given, there may be something to be said about the morals of people who are willing to cheat rather than call off the relationship or something, but there’s a lot more that plays into it than just ‘being attracted to cheaters’.
Howdy, complete stranger here…
In re your post… yeah, pretty much…(grin)…TC
Howdy, complete stranger here…
In re your post… yeah, pretty much…(grin)…TC
GREAT column!
GREAT column!
Found you through; this is excellent and I am linking to it myself, thanks.
Found you through; this is excellent and I am linking to it myself, thanks.
I just posted it…thank you so much, hon, you’re wonderful as usual.
Found my way here via a friend. As I am currently going through a divorce I find this entry particularly fitting. May I repost with credit?
Absolutely!
Found my way here via a friend. As I am currently going through a divorce I find this entry particularly fitting. May I repost with credit?
F….. this is great stuff. I’m going to post it on my other blog… I’ll cite you of course. You rock!
Thanks! 🙂
F….. this is great stuff. I’m going to post it on my other blog… I’ll cite you of course. You rock!
Thank you, this is awesome. Franklin, when are you going to write that book????
Soon as I can find an agent! I’ve been looking, and collecting rejection letters.
Thank you, this is awesome. Franklin, when are you going to write that book????
If I understand what you’re saying, it’s not in opposition to Tacit’s point.
Another way to say “attracted to people who cheat” might be “attracted to people who want more intimacy than you have to offer, and don’t have the skills to realize ththe imbalance before committing and deal with it in an honest & communicative fashion”.
Are there you are…
So I was handed a link to this post by my-friendly ex and while reading it I thought, “cunningminx would gobble this up for a PW post!” and here you are commenting. The world is flat, flat I tell you!
No, it’s definitely not in opposition to anything written. More of a “this AND..”
Presuming that it’s ok to link to here from within my own lj? If not, let me know and I;ll remove it.
But it’s just such a wonderful piece.
Absolutely; thanks!
Presuming that it’s ok to link to here from within my own lj? If not, let me know and I;ll remove it.
But it’s just such a wonderful piece.
Hello tacit,
I’ve been clicking on links and found this, your very wise post.
I’d like to ask you if I may reprint this in my LJ with credit of course and a link to it also.
I’d also like to ‘friend’ you if that’s all right with you.
Please advise
Kind regards,
mel
Both are fine by me, and welcome aboard!
Thanx 🙂
Hello tacit,
I’ve been clicking on links and found this, your very wise post.
I’d like to ask you if I may reprint this in my LJ with credit of course and a link to it also.
I’d also like to ‘friend’ you if that’s all right with you.
Please advise
Kind regards,
mel
This is awesome. I’ve heard you on Poly Weekly before and really enjoy your insightful views on relationships. I’m going to share this with my friends (and credit you, of course).
Thanks, and welcome aboard!
thanks!
i found this thru and i must say this is an amazing post
then i clicked back thru a few pages of your posts and find more brilliant, well written stuff (i think i’m in brain crush mode now)
needless to say i’ll be sharing this (with credit) as you’ve already okay’d that for a ton of people – but not until later today when my brain is working well enough to add my own commentary
and i’ve friended you as well – please keep writing (and as someone above mentioned yeah! about the potential for a book)
these are almost all things i’ve learned the hard way and hope to never forget – especially the bit about change (horrible horrible dragging on divorce=fail)
Re: thanks!
Thanks, and welcome aboard!
This is awesome. I’ve heard you on Poly Weekly before and really enjoy your insightful views on relationships. I’m going to share this with my friends (and credit you, of course).
Thank you.
Thank you.
That may be true, but feelings and actions are different things.
It’s the actions that count; you can feel anxious and still choose actions that are courageous. It’s not easy, but it makes a huge difference. Saying “I feel anxious, so I won’t go out with my partner right now” or “I feel suspicious, so I’m going to confront my partner as soon as he gets home” is planting the seeds of relationship trouble. Saying “I feel suspicious, but I also recognize that this suspicion isn’t grounded in reality, so I’m going to choose not to confront my partner about these suspicions and not to behave poorly around him” is a very different thing.
And I’ve certainly found that dealing with anxiety myself by choosing to do the things I want to do in spite of it has been a great way to make it disappear over time. 🙂
Anxiety stacks the deck by whispering things in your ear (so to speak) and by making one course of action easier than another, but I don’t think that it actually forces our hand. I do think that even in the face of all sorts of contradictory emotions, we can still choose what we want to do. Anxiety makes the choice harder, but it doesn’t make the choice impossible.
Anxiety stacks the deck by whispering things in your ear (so to speak) and by making one course of action easier than another, but I don’t think that it actually forces our hand. I do think that even in the face of all sorts of contradictory emotions, we can still choose what we want to do. Anxiety makes the choice harder, but it doesn’t make the choice impossible.
Why, thank you! Though I just call ’em like I see ’em. And I think learning from the other guy’s mistakes is sometimes a lot easier, y’know? Everything on this list is something that I’ve had to learn–sometimes painfully–and these are the kinds of things I wish i could go back and tell the 22-year-old me.
Thank you! 🙂
Yep. It is, and it sucks.
Yep. It is, and it sucks.
Oh, I agree, and it’s frustrating sometimes.
The biological soup that starts bubbling in our brains makes that a difficult thing to remember, sometimes, but yeah.
What kinds of secrets do you think that people have to take?
There can be a fine line, sometimes, between maintaining privacy and keeping secrets. The line gets even more blurred when you have to keep parts of your lie secret or risk losing a job, losing custody of a child, being discharged from the military, and so on.
But I think that in those situations it is important to guard against the tendency to make keeping secrets habitual, and start reflexively closing off parts of your life even to your partners. That can quickly become destructive to a relationship.
Sometimes, sure. It’s sometimes impossible to be on good terms with everyone.
But when it comes to treating those folks who aren’t a part of your inner circle well–I think that’s really telling. A person who fails to do this raises alarm bells in my head.
Sometimes, sure. It’s sometimes impossible to be on good terms with everyone.
But when it comes to treating those folks who aren’t a part of your inner circle well–I think that’s really telling. A person who fails to do this raises alarm bells in my head.
So like when I say, “I feel anxious, but I am going to act in a fashion that assumes trust, because my anxious is baseless.”
(Context for this is, I recently gave up my requirement that partnerfolk tell me about new interests, in favour of trusting that they’d want to tell me. I felt kind of ill for a week, but actual data has shown that they’ll totally tell me and I’m totally fine, so.)
Thanks! 🙂
Thanks! 🙂
Thanks, and welcome aboard!
Both are fine by me, and welcome aboard!
Thanks! 🙂
Absolutely; thanks!
Soon as I can find an agent! I’ve been looking, and collecting rejection letters.
Absolutely!
I sure could have used this “way back then”, and saved myself much misery.
You are incredibly insightful. I have given my 2 18 yr old daughters and 21 yr old son a copy, in hopes that their lives will be a little less “drama-filled”.
I would also like to add you to my friend list, if you don’t mind?
Thanks,
Cin
Not at all; welcome aboard!
I sure could have used this “way back then”, and saved myself much misery.
You are incredibly insightful. I have given my 2 18 yr old daughters and 21 yr old son a copy, in hopes that their lives will be a little less “drama-filled”.
I would also like to add you to my friend list, if you don’t mind?
Thanks,
Cin
Not at all; welcome aboard!
Thanx 🙂
Yep, no doubt about it. Though it’s been my experience that intentionally choosing to do what you want to do in spite of reactions like this gets easier over time.
Yep, no doubt about it. Though it’s been my experience that intentionally choosing to do what you want to do in spite of reactions like this gets easier over time.
thanks!
i found this thru and i must say this is an amazing post
then i clicked back thru a few pages of your posts and find more brilliant, well written stuff (i think i’m in brain crush mode now)
needless to say i’ll be sharing this (with credit) as you’ve already okay’d that for a ton of people – but not until later today when my brain is working well enough to add my own commentary
and i’ve friended you as well – please keep writing (and as someone above mentioned yeah! about the potential for a book)
these are almost all things i’ve learned the hard way and hope to never forget – especially the bit about change (horrible horrible dragging on divorce=fail)
Re: thanks!
Thanks, and welcome aboard!
Great post, was referred to it and many pieces are advice I’ve given (doesn’t make me brilliant, just some things I say…now ask me about my love life over the past few years). Will cross post,
but with numbers!
Sounds silly, but since this is good enough to be cross-posted/referenced, it might be worth sticking lil numbers on the tips so people can go “Psst…#4”
Cross-posted with my flavor of edits (with credit given)
at http://vicar.livejournal.com/739063.html if you’re interested
Great post, was referred to it and many pieces are advice I’ve given (doesn’t make me brilliant, just some things I say…now ask me about my love life over the past few years). Will cross post,
but with numbers!
Sounds silly, but since this is good enough to be cross-posted/referenced, it might be worth sticking lil numbers on the tips so people can go “Psst…#4”
Cross-posted with my flavor of edits (with credit given)
at http://vicar.livejournal.com/739063.html if you’re interested
This has been very helpful. I’ve read it over several times, and listened to the broadcast on Poly Weekly. And I’m starting to think that my wife and I need a divorce. We’ve always gotten along well as friends, but lately have been having more and more problems being a couple.
Ouch. That sucks. My sympathies.
This has been very helpful. I’ve read it over several times, and listened to the broadcast on Poly Weekly. And I’m starting to think that my wife and I need a divorce. We’ve always gotten along well as friends, but lately have been having more and more problems being a couple.
Ouch. That sucks. My sympathies.
real relationships
Anyone that appreciated this blog , should take a look at my good friend’s website. then check authentic relationships. go to earthseals.com
paul is pretty insightful and is interested in expanding the knowledge base in this area.
feel free to contact me as well, whether you have trouble accessing this or not @ john.haines@live.com
john
real relationships
Anyone that appreciated this blog , should take a look at my good friend’s website. then check authentic relationships. go to earthseals.com
paul is pretty insightful and is interested in expanding the knowledge base in this area.
feel free to contact me as well, whether you have trouble accessing this or not @ john.haines@live.com
john
IAWTC. Still working on it, as my subconscious assumption is either that the answer will be no, or that the askee will use this opportunity to try and get something out of me.
Well written. Thank you for sharing it.
Well written. Thank you for sharing it.
So very much awesomeness here. Well done!
I’ve taken as one of my mantras the statement, “I refuse to be held responsible for not fulfilling unspoken expectations.” Oddly enough, this first came up in a work situation, then I realized how much it applied to my personal life…
You know that saying “opposites attract”? It’s rubbish.
It’s a silly book written by something of a wacky fellow, but every now and then Richard Bach got something right. From Illusions: “Like attracts like. Cosmic law.”
So very much awesomeness here. Well done!
I’ve taken as one of my mantras the statement, “I refuse to be held responsible for not fulfilling unspoken expectations.” Oddly enough, this first came up in a work situation, then I realized how much it applied to my personal life…
You know that saying “opposites attract”? It’s rubbish.
It’s a silly book written by something of a wacky fellow, but every now and then Richard Bach got something right. From Illusions: “Like attracts like. Cosmic law.”
Every time I see another of these posts from you, I intellectually crush on you a little bit more. Ah, fantasies. 🙂
Aww… thanks! 🙂
Every time I see another of these posts from you, I intellectually crush on you a little bit more. Ah, fantasies. 🙂
A very nice and truthful post. Everything I’ve read so far on the matter also seems to align with these very same actions or observations. Just be who you are, truthful, and open and it seems like 99% of the “mess” is handled.
A very nice and truthful post. Everything I’ve read so far on the matter also seems to align with these very same actions or observations. Just be who you are, truthful, and open and it seems like 99% of the “mess” is handled.
So I have recently learned. I hope at some point he’ll come to the same conclusion.
So I have recently learned. I hope at some point he’ll come to the same conclusion.
Aww… thanks! 🙂
I am so, so, SO glad I read this before I was really involved in a romantic relationship.
I can see so many of these things in the people around me, it’s frightening.
Thank you for this. ♥ I feel somehow reassured now xD;
Thanks! 🙂
I am so, so, SO glad I read this before I was really involved in a romantic relationship.
I can see so many of these things in the people around me, it’s frightening.
Thank you for this. ♥ I feel somehow reassured now xD;
Thanks! 🙂
Wonderful advice, but I’m curious…
I hope I’m not too late to the party to get some feedback. I heard you on PolyWeekly, and I’m rather behind with my podcasts. With regards to # 7 & 8, Is it possible that is a middle path?
I recently went through a break-up with the only woman I’ve ever really been in love with; my first true love, as it were. We remain deeply, profoundly, genuinely, truly in love, and are still quite sexually attracted to one another. We get along incredibly well; our chemistry is a wonderful thing. The reasons for separation were certain important incompatibilities: marriage, kids, and a philosophical difference. We have found ourselves in a situation where we are the best of friends, we enjoy our time together immensely, but feel restrained by the boundaries of our current friendship capacity.
My question is this: do you think you can love someone, and acknowledge that love, choose not to be romantically involved with that person, yet still be intimately involved? And by intimately I don’t just mean sex, I mean all those sentimental lovey-dovey moments spent cuddling, falling asleep in each others arms or general professions on love towards one another. I prefer to show my love unbridled, and it seems to me that if we only remove the part of the relationship that didn’t work then we are left with the maximum benefit with the least drawback. And isn’t this one of the potential benefits of Polyamory, to be able to choose to be involved with someone in just the right capacity for you two?
I’m very interested to hear your thoughts.
Thx
JayHoosifat
Re: Wonderful advice, but I’m curious…
My question is this: do you think you can love someone, and acknowledge that love, choose not to be romantically involved with that person, yet still be intimately involved? And by intimately I don’t just mean sex, I mean all those sentimental lovey-dovey moments spent cuddling, falling asleep in each others arms or general professions on love towards one another. I prefer to show my love unbridled, and it seems to me that if we only remove the part of the relationship that didn’t work then we are left with the maximum benefit with the least drawback. And isn’t this one of the potential benefits of Polyamory, to be able to choose to be involved with someone in just the right capacity for you two?
Absolutely I think this is possible. One of the benefits of choosing your own relationship style consciously (whether it’s polyamorous or monogamous) is that you can build a relationship to match what you need, rather than what you think a generic relationship “should” look like.
Wonderful advice, but I’m curious…
I hope I’m not too late to the party to get some feedback. I heard you on PolyWeekly, and I’m rather behind with my podcasts. With regards to # 7 & 8, Is it possible that is a middle path?
I recently went through a break-up with the only woman I’ve ever really been in love with; my first true love, as it were. We remain deeply, profoundly, genuinely, truly in love, and are still quite sexually attracted to one another. We get along incredibly well; our chemistry is a wonderful thing. The reasons for separation were certain important incompatibilities: marriage, kids, and a philosophical difference. We have found ourselves in a situation where we are the best of friends, we enjoy our time together immensely, but feel restrained by the boundaries of our current friendship capacity.
My question is this: do you think you can love someone, and acknowledge that love, choose not to be romantically involved with that person, yet still be intimately involved? And by intimately I don’t just mean sex, I mean all those sentimental lovey-dovey moments spent cuddling, falling asleep in each others arms or general professions on love towards one another. I prefer to show my love unbridled, and it seems to me that if we only remove the part of the relationship that didn’t work then we are left with the maximum benefit with the least drawback. And isn’t this one of the potential benefits of Polyamory, to be able to choose to be involved with someone in just the right capacity for you two?
I’m very interested to hear your thoughts.
Thx
JayHoosifat
Re: Wonderful advice, but I’m curious…
My question is this: do you think you can love someone, and acknowledge that love, choose not to be romantically involved with that person, yet still be intimately involved? And by intimately I don’t just mean sex, I mean all those sentimental lovey-dovey moments spent cuddling, falling asleep in each others arms or general professions on love towards one another. I prefer to show my love unbridled, and it seems to me that if we only remove the part of the relationship that didn’t work then we are left with the maximum benefit with the least drawback. And isn’t this one of the potential benefits of Polyamory, to be able to choose to be involved with someone in just the right capacity for you two?
Absolutely I think this is possible. One of the benefits of choosing your own relationship style consciously (whether it’s polyamorous or monogamous) is that you can build a relationship to match what you need, rather than what you think a generic relationship “should” look like.
Relationships don’t exist in a vacuum. They exist between two emotional human beings who bring their own past experiences, history, and expectations into it. Two different people also have different levels of skill when it comes to communication. But better communication, because it is a skill, can also be learned.
Relationships don’t exist in a vacuum. They exist between two emotional human beings who bring their own past experiences, history, and expectations into it. Two different people also have different levels of skill when it comes to communication. But better communication, because it is a skill, can also be learned.