So there we were, in the car, driving around looking for a Wal-Mart and trying to decide what to do with the afternoon, or rather with that part of the afternoon in which she wasn’t sprawled naked on the bed while I did Very Evil ThingsTM to her. She had her Blackberry with her, and her Blackberry has access to the Intertubes, and we were driving by a theater, see, and…
Long story short (too late!), we decided to see Cloverfield.
Sweet Jesus, we decided to see Cloverfield.
Now, Cloverfield is a monster movie. Specifically, it’s a monster movie filmed in first person, by a group of kids who were making a home movie of a party and got caught up in New York when monsters attacked. Think Godzilla meets Blair Witch and you’ve got the basic idea.
This movie should have been made of win and awesome. I mean, Godzilla meets Blair Witch. With giant monsters that knock over buildings. In New York. How do you fuck that up? Seriously, how do you fuck that up?
Somehow–don’t ask me how–these people managed to take a giant monster smashing Manhattan, filmed from a first-person point of view, and make it boring. And slightly annoying. And for fuck’s sake, just once I’d like to see a movie monster that isn’t immune to bullets.
Okay, okay, huge monsters might be immune to small-arms fire, I get that. But immune to incendiary bombs dropped from a B2 bomber? C’mon. The movie Aliens showed that monsters can still be scary without being magically immune to bullets. Fer Chrissakes, people, if the only way your monster is scary is that it can take a barrage of hits from tanks and self-propelled howitzers without even blinking, your screenwriter is lazy.
But far be it from me to dwell on the negative! Since I like to keep things upbeat and optimistic, I present to you, in no particular order:
1. Despite the best efforts of the cameraman, nobody in the theater we were in actually vomited.
2. Some of the main characters die, but it’s no big deal because by then you don’t like them or care about them anyway.
3. The movie is only an hour and change long, so you don’t leave the theater wishing you had two hours of your life back like you do at the end of Pirates of the Caribbean 2
4. Six words: Not filmed in Smell-O-Vision!
5. Only about 15% of the movie is occupied by shots of the ground.
6. This movie has at least 90% of your recommended daily allowance of self-absorbed, narcissistic, vaguely attractive (in that Apple commercial, non-threatening kind of way) Gen Yers. After leaving the theater, you won’t need to log on to Facebook for a week!
7. Three more words: Not Maximum Overdrive.
8. William Shatner does not appear anywhere in this movie.
9. Things on fire. You can never truly be unhappy if you can watch things on fire.
10. The typeface used in the opening credits is readable and not displeasing to the eye.
11. You can get the entire movie from the trailer, and not have to see the hour of filler material they padded the film with to make it (nearly) feature length.
12. The dollar theater right down the street is still showing Beowulf, and man, after this dreck, Beowulf is high fucking art.
um.
I’m really rather surprised — and dissapointed — that you didn’t like it. I thought it was amazing.
Oh, well.
Oh, I thought it was amazing too, but I bet we have slightly different values of “amazing.”
The thing is, once you get past the gimmick, it’s really not all that special a movie. Other than the filming technique, it brings little to the table; it’s a rehash of every monster movie since Godzilla. The characters aren’t terribly interesting or likable, the monster itself is barely a presence…the only thing it’s got going for it is the first-person perspective, and they mucked that up by going overboard with it.
see, and I think it really is a special movie. Like Godzilla is Japan’s answer to Hiroshima/Nagasaki, Cloverfield is an answer to 9/11 for the US — or, at least, New Yorkers, of which I am one.
I liked that the monster wasn’t continually prevalent. It’s about the people (who I felt engaged with, especially Hud) reacting to a disaster that they cannot control and don’t really know the full extent of.
I thought it was very powerful, wasn’t overcome by the perspective, and I hope that the new Star Trek movie is as good.
Okay, I can see how someone with a certain emotional response to 9/11 might find a movie about an unstoppable force destroying New York to be psychologically compelling.
That doesn’t mean “good,” though. The problems that I had with the movie (as a person who is not a New Yorker and doesn’t have these emotional connections with 9/11) had relate to its value as a movie, not its value as a metaphor for terrorism. The monster being bulletproof, missile proof, bomb proof, and tank proof? Silly, and to me it comes across as a lazy screenwriter who couldn’t think of a reasonable plot point that’d make sense.
In other words, even if the movie works as metaphor, it still flls down on the basics.
The shaky-cam work was totally over the top, to the point that it seemed like the film makers were exaggerating it because they thought that the audience might forget otherwise. (I’ve seen Web reviews from folks who say that some of the audience actually vomited–not a good thing in a movie, I think.)
I didn’t find the characters compelling at all; just the opposite, they were too pretty, too narcissistic, and too clicked. They seemed like Hollywood’s impression of average people, rather than average people. (And I find it hard to believe that a man holding a video camera in a street with a giant monster rampaging down it would keep the camera focused on his buddies, and not on the giant monster…)
I hope the new Star Trek movie is good, but I’m prepared to be disappointed. 🙂
um.
I’m really rather surprised — and dissapointed — that you didn’t like it. I thought it was amazing.
Oh, well.
Man, Beowulf. That was the very opposite of disappointing. An over-the-top high adventure cartoon. Hells yeah. Now, with more naked Viking booty!
Yeah, I was highly entertained. The character animation still isn’t quite there yet (there’s something a little creepy and artificial about the faces), but the movie is a good time.
Bridging the uncanny valley is the Fermat’s Theorem of character animators.
I wonder if fear of the almost-humanoid is a survival trait left over from our prehistoric ancestry when we were chased by horrid shapeless Things that borrowed our skins to lure us closer for the kill. You know. That time. Before the Great Spaghetti Monster did holler with a great and meaty voice, “DO-OVER!”
Ah, yes, those horrid shapeless Things that borrowed our skins to lure us closer for the kill…I remember those! Though if I’m recollecting right, they looked more like Dick Cheney than like the characters in Beowulf.
Hmm, wait a minute…you think…??
Man, Beowulf. That was the very opposite of disappointing. An over-the-top high adventure cartoon. Hells yeah. Now, with more naked Viking booty!
Ref your icon… have you been watching The Sarah Connor Chronicles? If so, what do you think of it?
I haven’t seen it yet! Truth be told, I don’t even own a TV.
Ref your icon… have you been watching The Sarah Connor Chronicles? If so, what do you think of it?
someone else earlier said it was one of the best movies they’d ever seen. both of you are bright people, so i’m at a loss as to whether i should part with my dollars… i’ll probably just put it halfway down on the list.
someone else earlier said it was one of the best movies they’d ever seen. both of you are bright people, so i’m at a loss as to whether i should part with my dollars… i’ll probably just put it halfway down on the list.
I watched Maximum Overdrive this weekend. The fact that you list “Cloverfield is not Maximum Overdrive” as a thing you liked? Scary!
True story:
I saw Maximum Overdrive int he theaters, when it first came out, with a group of friends. We smuggled a fifth of Jack Daniels into the theater with us, and we ad a blast. At least for the first half of the movie.
I thought it was great. My friend Henry and I were laughing and having a great time..until suddenly, about midway through, the same horrifying realization dawned on both of us simultaneously. He looked at me and I looked at him and he said “This isn’t supposed to be funny, is it?”
Starting form the scene with the ATM early on, I thought we’d been watching a parody of horror movies. When we both realized it wasn’t intended as a parody, everything changed.
Ha! Yes, it definitely works better as parody. I particularly enjoyed a young Yeardley Smith as the whiny bride.
I watched Maximum Overdrive this weekend. The fact that you list “Cloverfield is not Maximum Overdrive” as a thing you liked? Scary!
Well, I’ve heard it from the “love it” camp; and now I’ve heard it from the “hate it” camp. Knowing me, I’ll probably fall somewhere in the middle.
But before I go see “Cloverfield,” “AVPR” and “Sweeney Todd” must be viewed. They’re simply more important.
God point on AVPR. I haven’t seen that one yet, and I really want to. I think I should probably hustle before it’s gone from the theaters.
Well, I’ve heard it from the “love it” camp; and now I’ve heard it from the “hate it” camp. Knowing me, I’ll probably fall somewhere in the middle.
But before I go see “Cloverfield,” “AVPR” and “Sweeney Todd” must be viewed. They’re simply more important.
I think they could have done a lot better with the “candid filming” technique, but I really enjoyed the rest of the movie. I’m completely out of touch with pop culture, so apparently I wasn’t infected with the “viral marketing” that preceded this movie’s debut, but I definitely bought it anyway. When I left the theater, I was afraid of the Cloverfield monster, and I can’t wait until the DVD comes out so I can watch the extras.
Also, did the parasites remind anyone else of Zorak from Space Ghost?
Yeah, the filming technique was totally over the top. It’s almost like they were insulting the audience: “Swing the camera around more! We need to remind them that this is filmed with a hand-held camera! They’ve forgotten by now!”
The big camera swings work a lot better on a television than on a movie screen. And honestly, I can go jogging* with a camcorder and get less camera shake. Had they toned it down a bit, the movie would’ve been vastly improved.
I think they could have done a lot better with the “candid filming” technique, but I really enjoyed the rest of the movie. I’m completely out of touch with pop culture, so apparently I wasn’t infected with the “viral marketing” that preceded this movie’s debut, but I definitely bought it anyway. When I left the theater, I was afraid of the Cloverfield monster, and I can’t wait until the DVD comes out so I can watch the extras.
Also, did the parasites remind anyone else of Zorak from Space Ghost?
Hiya Franklin. LJ movie reviews are quite useful. Although I’ve found that oftentimes I enjoy movies a respected acquaintance hates and vice-versa, given the rarity with which I’ve been watching movies, I’m completely willing to heed your cautionary warnings.
Then again, I would never have uttered the phrase
with a straight face, since that, to me, seems like the most obvious way to fuck up a movie 🙂
Anyways, thanks for the summary. Hope things are going well.
But…giant monsters! Knocking over buildings! In New York! What’s not to love??
Hiya Franklin. LJ movie reviews are quite useful. Although I’ve found that oftentimes I enjoy movies a respected acquaintance hates and vice-versa, given the rarity with which I’ve been watching movies, I’m completely willing to heed your cautionary warnings.
Then again, I would never have uttered the phrase
with a straight face, since that, to me, seems like the most obvious way to fuck up a movie 🙂
Anyways, thanks for the summary. Hope things are going well.
I was looking forward to it when they started playing the initial teasers last year, but after seeing full length trailers and hearing reports that it’s all pretty much hip cam work (my sister’s girlfriend said, “The only parts I liked were when they dropped the fuckin camera”), I’m afraid to view it in the theater. Violent camera motion doesn’t translate well to a big screen. Everything gets blurred out and people get sick. You’d think filmmakers would understand this by now.
You’d think, though I understand the producer of this particular movie is better known for doing TV shows. He doesn’t really seem to have a grasp of what works well on the big screen, and that might be why.
“He doesn’t really seem to have a grasp of what works well on the big screen, and that might be why.”
Bitch don’t ever go to the movies??
I was looking forward to it when they started playing the initial teasers last year, but after seeing full length trailers and hearing reports that it’s all pretty much hip cam work (my sister’s girlfriend said, “The only parts I liked were when they dropped the fuckin camera”), I’m afraid to view it in the theater. Violent camera motion doesn’t translate well to a big screen. Everything gets blurred out and people get sick. You’d think filmmakers would understand this by now.
Wal-Mart?!?!
You mean, China-Mart. They’re like a direct pipeline to China, dude.
Yeah, I know, not on topic but I haven’t seen it yet. I’ll go watch it and get back to you.
But in the meantime…AVOID WAL-MART!!!
Yeah. Generally I hate Wal-Mart (though what’s not to like about China? Theyre financing the war in Iraq, after all!), but needed some stuff we couldn’t get elsewhere. That’s the nice thing about Wal-Mart: inexpensive goods made by slave labor in distant parts of the world, delivered to a sprawling superstore staffed by people being paid below the poverty line, conveniently located near you!
Wal-Mart?!?!
You mean, China-Mart. They’re like a direct pipeline to China, dude.
Yeah, I know, not on topic but I haven’t seen it yet. I’ll go watch it and get back to you.
But in the meantime…AVOID WAL-MART!!!
Oh, I thought it was amazing too, but I bet we have slightly different values of “amazing.”
The thing is, once you get past the gimmick, it’s really not all that special a movie. Other than the filming technique, it brings little to the table; it’s a rehash of every monster movie since Godzilla. The characters aren’t terribly interesting or likable, the monster itself is barely a presence…the only thing it’s got going for it is the first-person perspective, and they mucked that up by going overboard with it.
Smart you. And I love that user icon!
Smart you. And I love that user icon!
see, and I think it really is a special movie. Like Godzilla is Japan’s answer to Hiroshima/Nagasaki, Cloverfield is an answer to 9/11 for the US — or, at least, New Yorkers, of which I am one.
I liked that the monster wasn’t continually prevalent. It’s about the people (who I felt engaged with, especially Hud) reacting to a disaster that they cannot control and don’t really know the full extent of.
I thought it was very powerful, wasn’t overcome by the perspective, and I hope that the new Star Trek movie is as good.
Yeah, I was highly entertained. The character animation still isn’t quite there yet (there’s something a little creepy and artificial about the faces), but the movie is a good time.
I haven’t seen it yet! Truth be told, I don’t even own a TV.
True story:
I saw Maximum Overdrive int he theaters, when it first came out, with a group of friends. We smuggled a fifth of Jack Daniels into the theater with us, and we ad a blast. At least for the first half of the movie.
I thought it was great. My friend Henry and I were laughing and having a great time..until suddenly, about midway through, the same horrifying realization dawned on both of us simultaneously. He looked at me and I looked at him and he said “This isn’t supposed to be funny, is it?”
Starting form the scene with the ATM early on, I thought we’d been watching a parody of horror movies. When we both realized it wasn’t intended as a parody, everything changed.
God point on AVPR. I haven’t seen that one yet, and I really want to. I think I should probably hustle before it’s gone from the theaters.
Yeah, the filming technique was totally over the top. It’s almost like they were insulting the audience: “Swing the camera around more! We need to remind them that this is filmed with a hand-held camera! They’ve forgotten by now!”
The big camera swings work a lot better on a television than on a movie screen. And honestly, I can go jogging* with a camcorder and get less camera shake. Had they toned it down a bit, the movie would’ve been vastly improved.
Ha! Yes, it definitely works better as parody. I particularly enjoyed a young Yeardley Smith as the whiny bride.
But…giant monsters! Knocking over buildings! In New York! What’s not to love??
Yeah. Generally I hate Wal-Mart (though what’s not to like about China? Theyre financing the war in Iraq, after all!), but needed some stuff we couldn’t get elsewhere. That’s the nice thing about Wal-Mart: inexpensive goods made by slave labor in distant parts of the world, delivered to a sprawling superstore staffed by people being paid below the poverty line, conveniently located near you!
You’d think, though I understand the producer of this particular movie is better known for doing TV shows. He doesn’t really seem to have a grasp of what works well on the big screen, and that might be why.
Bridging the uncanny valley is the Fermat’s Theorem of character animators.
I wonder if fear of the almost-humanoid is a survival trait left over from our prehistoric ancestry when we were chased by horrid shapeless Things that borrowed our skins to lure us closer for the kill. You know. That time. Before the Great Spaghetti Monster did holler with a great and meaty voice, “DO-OVER!”
“He doesn’t really seem to have a grasp of what works well on the big screen, and that might be why.”
Bitch don’t ever go to the movies??
Okay, I can see how someone with a certain emotional response to 9/11 might find a movie about an unstoppable force destroying New York to be psychologically compelling.
That doesn’t mean “good,” though. The problems that I had with the movie (as a person who is not a New Yorker and doesn’t have these emotional connections with 9/11) had relate to its value as a movie, not its value as a metaphor for terrorism. The monster being bulletproof, missile proof, bomb proof, and tank proof? Silly, and to me it comes across as a lazy screenwriter who couldn’t think of a reasonable plot point that’d make sense.
In other words, even if the movie works as metaphor, it still flls down on the basics.
The shaky-cam work was totally over the top, to the point that it seemed like the film makers were exaggerating it because they thought that the audience might forget otherwise. (I’ve seen Web reviews from folks who say that some of the audience actually vomited–not a good thing in a movie, I think.)
I didn’t find the characters compelling at all; just the opposite, they were too pretty, too narcissistic, and too clicked. They seemed like Hollywood’s impression of average people, rather than average people. (And I find it hard to believe that a man holding a video camera in a street with a giant monster rampaging down it would keep the camera focused on his buddies, and not on the giant monster…)
I hope the new Star Trek movie is good, but I’m prepared to be disappointed. 🙂
Ah, yes, those horrid shapeless Things that borrowed our skins to lure us closer for the kill…I remember those! Though if I’m recollecting right, they looked more like Dick Cheney than like the characters in Beowulf.
Hmm, wait a minute…you think…??
I desperately wanted to like Cloverfield. I really, really tried to like it.
But I’ve seen Actual Dumbasses on YouTube, and none of these people sounded like Actual Dumbasses. They sounded like people who WANTED to sound like Actual Dumbasses, but wanted to keep a PG rating.
The attempt at a love story in Cloverfield wasn’t even good enough to make me feel cheaply manipulated. Miracle Mile did the same thing about ninety-eight times better.
In theory, it could have been much cooler, but in execution, the ball was dropped. Pretty much like 30 Days of Night, now that I think about it.
Well, fancy meeting you here!
I’ve been in stealth mode.
Hmm. Clearly I need to invest in an upgrade to my early-warning system, then. I’ve been thinking about multipoint distributed Doppler radar for those pesky stealth folks, but it’ll mean firmware upgrades for the entire cybernetic army, and man, that’s just not the best way to spend a weekend.
Yes, I highly recommend an upgrade.
My company writes the firmware. 😉
Don’t suppose you provide the source code, by any chance?
I desperately wanted to like Cloverfield. I really, really tried to like it.
But I’ve seen Actual Dumbasses on YouTube, and none of these people sounded like Actual Dumbasses. They sounded like people who WANTED to sound like Actual Dumbasses, but wanted to keep a PG rating.
The attempt at a love story in Cloverfield wasn’t even good enough to make me feel cheaply manipulated. Miracle Mile did the same thing about ninety-eight times better.
In theory, it could have been much cooler, but in execution, the ball was dropped. Pretty much like 30 Days of Night, now that I think about it.
Well, fancy meeting you here!
I’ve been in stealth mode.
Hmm. Clearly I need to invest in an upgrade to my early-warning system, then. I’ve been thinking about multipoint distributed Doppler radar for those pesky stealth folks, but it’ll mean firmware upgrades for the entire cybernetic army, and man, that’s just not the best way to spend a weekend.
Yes, I highly recommend an upgrade.
My company writes the firmware. 😉
Don’t suppose you provide the source code, by any chance?
After the screening, I heard some fellow audience members complaining that they felt dizzy or had vertigo, but no one barfed, at least within my hearing.
After the screening, I heard some fellow audience members complaining that they felt dizzy or had vertigo, but no one barfed, at least within my hearing.