The Rules

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In Which Franklin gets all Old Testament about conduct in the dungeon.

ON CONDUCT

When thou dost come unto me and beseech me, saying, “Verily, do I request of you a good paddling,” then surely I will grant unto thee a good paddling. During the period of the paddling, thou shalt not say unto me “What was that, a mosquito?”, nor compare thy paddling to the flight of any other insect, or any creeping thing upon the earth, be it a moth, or a caterpillar; nor draw any likeness between the instrument of thy paddling and the feathers of the birds above; for surely shalt thy paddling grow mighty and endless, and welts shall be upon thy backside for four and thirty days.

And in those days when thou art being flogged, thou shalt not giggle and wag thy ass in a taunting manner, nor squirm and attempt to escape when the flogging becomes greater for it, for then wilt thou be cast into bondage, so that thine ass will no longer be able to wiggle, nor shalt thou be able to squirm.

Thou shalt not speak with thy mouth full, though moaning is okay.

Neither shalt thou allow the passions of thy loins to reach the pinnacle of their fruition, save for those times when I commandeth thee; and in those times, thou shalt come with the force of a raging firestorm, with much screaming and wailing; for thy screams of ecstasy are pleasing to me.

Thou shalt wear no clothing that is displeasing in my sight, nor place within thy pants back issues of National Geographic magazine, to protect thy backside from the force of my hand; for verily I will notice, and remove the magazine, and upon your backside shall I become medieval. So it is written.

Thou shalt not take thy master’s name in vain, nor forget thy master’s title when asked. Thou shalt say “sir” or “maestro” when asked thy master’s title. Thou shalt not say “buttercups,” nor “sugarpants,” nor even “bunnykins,” nor refer to any other cute and cuddly beast that doth roam the earth. Neither shalt thou say “Oh yeah? Make me!” For truly will I then make you, and the bruises shall be on your bum like a plague of locusts unto Egypt.

And speaking of Egypt, when the wetness doth issue from between thy thighs like the waters of the Nile, say not to me “Please, i do not want it,” for verily shall I judge thy words to be falsehoods, and these words shall not be heard.

64 thoughts on “The Rules”

  5. so that thine ass will no longer be able to wiggle

    I must protest with great vigor, brother. For truly an ass that canneth not wiggle is as a beautiful falcon proscribed from spreading its wings. The wiggling doth entice the eyes, and leadeth to much merriment. Merriment leadeth to frolic, and frolic to wailing and spillage of seed.

    ‘Tis wondrous indeed.

    Reply ↓

  6. so that thine ass will no longer be able to wiggle

    I must protest with great vigor, brother. For truly an ass that canneth not wiggle is as a beautiful falcon proscribed from spreading its wings. The wiggling doth entice the eyes, and leadeth to much merriment. Merriment leadeth to frolic, and frolic to wailing and spillage of seed.

    ‘Tis wondrous indeed.

    Reply ↓

  15. And in those days when thou art being flogged, thou shalt not giggle and wag thy ass in a taunting manner, nor squirm and attempt to escape when the flogging becomes greater for it, for then wilt thou be cast into bondage, so that thine ass will no longer be able to wiggle, nor shalt thou be able to squirm.

    This is my downfall — and the inevitable outcome — almost always.

    Drat.

    This whole thing made me laugh out loud.

    Reply ↓

  16. And in those days when thou art being flogged, thou shalt not giggle and wag thy ass in a taunting manner, nor squirm and attempt to escape when the flogging becomes greater for it, for then wilt thou be cast into bondage, so that thine ass will no longer be able to wiggle, nor shalt thou be able to squirm.

    This is my downfall — and the inevitable outcome — almost always.

    Drat.

    This whole thing made me laugh out loud.

    Reply ↓

  27. FTW!!!!!!!111111111!!!!!!!!111111!!!!!eleventy-one

    “And speaking of Egypt, when the wetness doth issue from between thy thighs like the waters of the Nile, say not to me “Please, i do not want it,” for verily shall I judge thy words to be falsehoods, and these words shall not be heard.”

    Reply ↓

  28. FTW!!!!!!!111111111!!!!!!!!111111!!!!!eleventy-one

    “And speaking of Egypt, when the wetness doth issue from between thy thighs like the waters of the Nile, say not to me “Please, i do not want it,” for verily shall I judge thy words to be falsehoods, and these words shall not be heard.”

    Reply ↓

  37. and in those times, thou shalt come with the force of a raging firestorm, with much screaming and wailing; for thy screams of ecstasy are pleasing to me. *falls over laughing*

    This is brilliant!

    Reply ↓

  38. and in those times, thou shalt come with the force of a raging firestorm, with much screaming and wailing; for thy screams of ecstasy are pleasing to me. *falls over laughing*

    This is brilliant!

    Reply ↓

  39. Neither shalt thou say “Oh yeah? Make me!” For truly will I then make you, and the bruises shall be on your bum like a plague of locusts unto Egypt.

    And the downside to this is… what?

    Yes, I am a brat. 🙂

    Reply ↓

  40. Neither shalt thou say “Oh yeah? Make me!” For truly will I then make you, and the bruises shall be on your bum like a plague of locusts unto Egypt.

    And the downside to this is… what?

    Yes, I am a brat. 🙂

    Reply ↓

  41. This is the WIN!!! Since you made it public – I’m going to link to it over on my LJ cause this is entirely TOO good not to share :)! I was referred here via my friends list.. GREAT JOB!!! -Mystrys

    Reply ↓

  42. This is the WIN!!! Since you made it public – I’m going to link to it over on my LJ cause this is entirely TOO good not to share :)! I was referred here via my friends list.. GREAT JOB!!! -Mystrys

    Reply ↓

  50. You could do that, but it’d be wrong, that’s for sure…

    Besides, I’ve worked so hard to earn my reputation as a hardass, and worked my way into at least one killfile that I know of.

    Reply ↓

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