Almost recovered from my state-hopping. Picked up a very nasty cold in Chicago, just in time for the inlaw’s wedding in Virginia.

Word to the wise: Whenever possible, don’t get on an airplane with clogged sinuses. Felt like someone was taking a chisel to my head.

This last week has been an exercise in restraint, and not the fun kind. Sometimes, life just seems to pile on. For example:

What the person running the booth next to ours said, to me and the owner of the company who is my client:
“I know this retired guy in Leeds who lives with his wife…and his girlfriend! And his wife knows about his girlfriend! Can you believe that? And they’ve all been together for twenty years! And…she knows about his girlfriend!”
What I said: “Well, it takes all kinds, doesn’t it?”
What I could have said: “It’s called ‘polyamory.’ If you’d like my own personal take on making it work, check out my Web site!”
What I definitely should not have even CONSIDERED saying: I can relate. Sometimes, my wife likes to watch my girlfriend whip me.

What my mother-in-law said: “You know, you’re every mother’s worst nightmare.”
What I said: “Good thing that changed, huh?”
What I could have said: “And you know what else? You’re every man’s nightmare of a mother-in-law.”
What I definitely should not have even CONSIDERED saying: “You don’t even know the half of it. Bet you don’t know I’ve fucked your daughter while she’s been on the phone with you…”

What my cousin-in-law said: “I don’t really understand why we’re going to invade Iraq. Still, the government must have a good reason to do it, or otherwise we wouldn’t.”
What I said: “It’s getting late. I think it’s time for me to head on out of here.”
What I could have said: “Sure, there’s a perfectly good reason–it’s the economy, stupid!”
What I definitely should not have even CONSIDERED saying: “Do they PAY you to be that naive? Because no human being, or even any organism advanced enough to have a thumb, could POSSIBLY be that naive naturally!”

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Thursday will usher in a new era of love and prosperity for Aries, which is only fair considering what happens Friday.

So I’m no longer in Chicago. Now I’m in Fredricksburg, Virginia, not ten minutes from where another person was shot and killed by that DC sniper this morning.

I’m not convinced this is a step in the right direction.

The last day of the convention in Chicago was Wednesday. Wednesday afternoon, about an hour before closing, a Microsoft rep came sniffing by our booth. He claimed to be at Graph Expo trying to talk to prepress industry experts about improving Microsoft Publisher, which is the laughingstock of the prepress world; most professional service bureaus and print shops refuse to even talk to anyone who uses it.

I talked to him for a while about the numerous bugs, design blunders, and general stupidity that makes Publisher such a pathetic joke of a program. He half-listened, but already knew everything I was telling him.

Clearly, he was lying. It was so painfully obvious that he was there for reasons that had nothing to do with Publisher that it was almost insulting. He was also entirely ignorant about even the most basic aspects of professional prepress.

I wonder why Microsoft really sent him there…

You know, I wish that once, just once, Microsoft would actually show some honesty and integrity about something.

So a few weeks ago, I had a choice to make.

On the one hand, I could go to a local science-fiction convention, where I would be surrounded by freaks and weirdos and other very cool people, and watch all the half-naked chicks running around, and stay up partying all night, and demonstrate sex toys.

On the other hand, I could fly to Graph Expo in Chicago, and hang out with salesmen and print shop managers, and stay in a booth until my feet hurt, and wake up VERY early in the morning, and demonstrate page-imposition software.

Seems like a simple choice to make, no?

So here I am in Chicago, where it’s more windy than any sane person would think possible.

One silver lining, though: My sinus infection, which has been bugging me for the past three months, and which I’ve been unsuccessfully treating with antibiotics that cost eighty bucks for seven, disappeared completely less than a day after I arrived in Chicago.

Florida weather…feh.

So here I am, stuck in Chicago, tired and bored…is there anything to do in this town?

I had such a great time meeting altenra when I was in San Francisco and spending time with lacaba in Costa Mesa that I’ve been spoiled; I’ve forgotten what a drag it is to be in a strange city by myself.

Think I’ll go to bed.

What kind of porno would you star in?
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Something weird came over me last night–don’t know if it was the phase of the moon, or Mad Cow disease, or what–and I watched an episode of “Star Trek: Voyager” on TV. Normally, I’d sooner stick pins in my eyes; I have no idea what possessed me.

I’m no big fan of Star Trek, but Voyager in particular has always especially annoyed me, and I’ve never been quite able to figure it out.

Until now. Watching Voyager last night, it suddenly hit me: I’ve seen all this before! So here it is, boys and girls, the Big Secret. But shh! You have to promise not to tell.