He said, she said

Almost recovered from my state-hopping. Picked up a very nasty cold in Chicago, just in time for the inlaw’s wedding in Virginia.

Word to the wise: Whenever possible, don’t get on an airplane with clogged sinuses. Felt like someone was taking a chisel to my head.

This last week has been an exercise in restraint, and not the fun kind. Sometimes, life just seems to pile on. For example:

What the person running the booth next to ours said, to me and the owner of the company who is my client:
“I know this retired guy in Leeds who lives with his wife…and his girlfriend! And his wife knows about his girlfriend! Can you believe that? And they’ve all been together for twenty years! And…she knows about his girlfriend!”
What I said: “Well, it takes all kinds, doesn’t it?”
What I could have said: “It’s called ‘polyamory.’ If you’d like my own personal take on making it work, check out my Web site!”
What I definitely should not have even CONSIDERED saying: I can relate. Sometimes, my wife likes to watch my girlfriend whip me.

What my mother-in-law said: “You know, you’re every mother’s worst nightmare.”
What I said: “Good thing that changed, huh?”
What I could have said: “And you know what else? You’re every man’s nightmare of a mother-in-law.”
What I definitely should not have even CONSIDERED saying: “You don’t even know the half of it. Bet you don’t know I’ve fucked your daughter while she’s been on the phone with you…”

What my cousin-in-law said: “I don’t really understand why we’re going to invade Iraq. Still, the government must have a good reason to do it, or otherwise we wouldn’t.”
What I said: “It’s getting late. I think it’s time for me to head on out of here.”
What I could have said: “Sure, there’s a perfectly good reason–it’s the economy, stupid!”
What I definitely should not have even CONSIDERED saying: “Do they PAY you to be that naive? Because no human being, or even any organism advanced enough to have a thumb, could POSSIBLY be that naive naturally!”

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