Okay, so I don’t really do comic books. By which I mean I really, really don’t do comic books. (I do like Watchmen, but that’s, like, totally different because it’s a graphic novel and not a comic book, and stuff, which is different because of reasons.)

I walked into the theater with my sweetie zaiah, her husband, their daughter, a gigantic barrel of popcorn, and a prayer of hope that Joss Whedon wouldn’t let me down. After all, he gave us Firefly, right? Man’s got mad skills.

As it turns out, the Avengers movie is more an ode to the special effects technician’s art than to the storyteller’s art…but then again, it is based on a comic book. Or a bunch of comic books. Or comic book characters, or something, I’m really not quite sure.

The movie goes something like this:

The scene opens at a SECRET BASE. Lots of people are RUNNING AROUND in a PANIC.

Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: There are lots of people running around in a panic. What’s up?
Distracted Scientist Dude: Sir, it’s the plot device! Our instruments show that it’s generating 38% more plot than it was before. If this keeps up, there may be no place in this movie to escape the plot!
Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: Did you try turning it off?
Distracted Scientist Dude: Yes! It keeps turning itself back on!

The PLOT DEVICE emits a sudden surge of PLOT

Loki: Hi! I’m Loki.
Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: Drop your staff.
Hawkeye: It’s okay, sir. He’s Loki. He’s a mischievous trickster god who likes playing games but isn’t usually actively evil. If we ignore him he will probably get bored and go away.
Loki: No, that’s the other Loki. I’m the whiney, kind of annoying narcissist who wants to destroy the world and then take it over, or something.
Hawkeye: Oh, sorry, my mistake.
Loki: Hey, don’t sweat it. Happens all the time.
Cut for spoilers…