Some thoughts on Mountain Dew

On a mailing list I belong to, there have recently been some…skeptical opinions expressed on the value of Mountain Dew, that carbonated yellow liquid joy in a bottle. So I would like to take this opportunity to set the record straight.

Mountain Dew is the nectar of the gods. Every sip is like an orgy for the mouth–a delicious, vaguely citrus, neon yellow orgy with just the right mix of fructose and other, unspecified natural flavors whose exact composition and measurement is an ancient and fiercely-guarded secret passed down for generations by a sect of celibate Shaolin monks whose senses have been honed by a rigorusly Spartan lifestyle until they have reached the pinnacle of human capability. (It is rumored that a master of this sect can, from his small cabin high atop Mount Fuji, tell if a 7-11 in Newark, New Jersey is dispensing Mountain Dew with an improperly calibrated mix of carbonated water and syrup, just by tasting it on the wind.)

The day’s very first hit of Mountain Dew is one of life’s sweetest, most precious treasures. It’s best taken from a one-liter bottle, you see, for at the moment the bottle is opened, some of the carbon dioxide begins to escape. This causes an ongoing and irreversible process by which the carbonic acid formed by the dissolved gas is converted into water and carbon dioxide, altering the pH and therefore the taste of the drink.

The ratios of the volume of liquid in the bottle to the volume of airspace in the bottle determines, in part, the equilibrium point of the reaction, in which carbon dioxide plus water < - > carbonic acid; the taste of the first sip is subtly different in a 12-ounce can, a 20-
ounce bottle, and a liter bottle, as the reaction has a slightly different equilibrium point in each case.

As caffeine delivery systems go, Mountain Dew is unparalleled in the history of humankind’s artifice. If God Himself came down off of Mount Sinai and commanded His people to mainline heroin directly into their eyeballs, it would not be as good as Mountain Dew.

There are other, lesser caffeine delivery systems, of greater or lesser degree of foulness as is their nature; a nice, deep, black tea, strong and lightly sweetened, is good, for example, whereas coffee is nearly as foul as drinking directly from the slag-pits of Mordor with a tar and asphalt chaser. Mountain Dew, though, belongs firmly in a class above all others, where it looks down on other, more pedestrian beverages the way a kind and benevolent madam looks over the girls in her brothel, even the wayward ones who sometimes show up to work late and smelling of coffee. Or the slag-pits of Mordor.

So now you know.

84 thoughts on “Some thoughts on Mountain Dew

  1. waves the flag and as my belly jiggles…. That is why here we are the fattest nation and growing bigger because they get you addicted to their drug… er product…. wait.. sees big brother watching… our fine drinks that help fuel this fine nation ๐Ÿ˜‰

  2. uh no. It is a soda but not a cola. Colas are brown and have a Pepsi-like flavor (Pepsi, RC, Coke, some might say Dr Pepper/Mr Pibb). They are a subset of sodas, which class also includes 7-up and sprite-like things, cherry pop, ginger ale, root beer and so forth…and Mountain Dew.

    • That’s what I’ve always called it. I never liked it, I don’t care for lemon/lime drinks in general, and Mt Dew in particular is very sweet and artificial tasting. I’m more of a cola/root beer kind of girl. The only lemony sodas I like are Squirt and Fresca.

  3. Agave Dew is even better. Google was able to get them to reformulate all sodas with agave nectar instead of those evil HFCS for their employee cafeteria. OMG, yum.

  4. Caffeine-free Mt. Dew? Yet another reason Australia is awesome. I’d love to glom on to some of that; I’ve had to drastically reduce my caffeine intake, and Mt. is off (my self-imposed) limits.

  5. Love it but I can’t drink it at work anymore ’cause I get so amped up I can’t concentrate anymore. My father used to call it “horse pee” when I was little; that was back during the 70s when all soft drinks except Coke were required by law to have groovy logos.

    When I lived in Seattle I had a colleague who drank Mt. Dew so compulsively that her dentist said he could see where she brought the bottle up to her mouth because her incisors had a circular area etched into them.

    (n.b.: H2CO3 is carbonic acidโ€”carbolic acid is phenol!)

      • You mean the “stay-on” tabs that replaced the old environmentally nasty pull tabs? That happened in the USA around the time that aluminum soda cans were introduced. Can’t remember when, exactly, but it was around the early 80s.

        • Right. I’ve only seen can tabs that pull completely off on canned fruit juice.

          Sometime in the late 80’s (I was 10-12), I found an old Pepsi can with the current design (apart from the stupid wide-mouth nonsense) in my grandmother’s barn that said “New, stay-open top!”, and I thought it was from well before I was born.

          • And I could have sworn I asked about it then, and was told that you used to open a can of pop (soda) with a churchkey. Maybe they were just simplifying for the kid, though.

  6. Love it but I can’t drink it at work anymore ’cause I get so amped up I can’t concentrate anymore. My father used to call it “horse pee” when I was little; that was back during the 70s when all soft drinks except Coke were required by law to have groovy logos.

    When I lived in Seattle I had a colleague who drank Mt. Dew so compulsively that her dentist said he could see where she brought the bottle up to her mouth because her incisors had a circular area etched into them.

    (n.b.: H2CO3 is carbonic acidโ€”carbolic acid is phenol!)

  7. This is perhaps the finest lovesong to a beverage that I have ever read. Bravo!

    But you have it wrong: The perfect caffeine-delivery system is Diet Mountain Dew. You just can’t hide the arsenic-bitter quality of corn syrup.

  8. This is perhaps the finest lovesong to a beverage that I have ever read. Bravo!

    But you have it wrong: The perfect caffeine-delivery system is Diet Mountain Dew. You just can’t hide the arsenic-bitter quality of corn syrup.

  9. That’s what I’ve always called it. I never liked it, I don’t care for lemon/lime drinks in general, and Mt Dew in particular is very sweet and artificial tasting. I’m more of a cola/root beer kind of girl. The only lemony sodas I like are Squirt and Fresca.

  10. Another impoverished soul who hasn’t had a Phil & Sebastians coffee fresh off the clover… poor bastard ๐Ÿ˜‰

    If you ever find yourself up here in Canuckistan, and Calgary in particular, I’ll treat you to a cup. The first taste is always free.

  11. Another impoverished soul who hasn’t had a Phil & Sebastians coffee fresh off the clover… poor bastard ๐Ÿ˜‰

    If you ever find yourself up here in Canuckistan, and Calgary in particular, I’ll treat you to a cup. The first taste is always free.

  12. No no no, incorrect ordering.

    TEA is the drink over all drinks. The flavours! The varieties! The versatility! The being far better for you then it tastes! You may have your Mountain Dew, but only after tea.

  13. No no no, incorrect ordering.

    TEA is the drink over all drinks. The flavours! The varieties! The versatility! The being far better for you then it tastes! You may have your Mountain Dew, but only after tea.

  14. Really? When was this? I had to stop drinking full sweetened anything (diabetic) and found that Diet Mt. Dew was really horse piss.

    Maybe I will give it a try again.

  15. The King

    I cannot love without Dew. Good to know I need to pack my own if I ever go to Australia, ’cause I can’t live long without it and it MUST have caffeine.

    I DO like the Throwback ’cause it’s less cloying/sticky than the HFC stuff. I’d like to try the agave version Cherie mentioned.

    But “for the Dew is the LIFE” and all that.

  16. The King

    I cannot love without Dew. Good to know I need to pack my own if I ever go to Australia, ’cause I can’t live long without it and it MUST have caffeine.

    I DO like the Throwback ’cause it’s less cloying/sticky than the HFC stuff. I’d like to try the agave version Cherie mentioned.

    But “for the Dew is the LIFE” and all that.

  17. I was introduced to the joy of Mt. Dew as a 9 year old child, on weekend fishing trips with a friend of my dad’s. We would stop for provisions for the day, and I could get a six-pack of soda. I discovered the glass 12 oz. long neck bottles of Mt. Dew, and it was nectar of the gods. Nothing has ever compared to the taste of those bottles on the fishing trips.

    I drank it whenever I could, and even in the nasty 2 liter plastic bottles during college. I eventually gave it up, as the taste seemed to get worse as I got older (probably when they switched to corn syrup, plus the plastic bottles). I had to switch to non-sugar drinks to help my blood sugar levels anyway. Diet Mt. Dew was just horrible, not even close to the proper taste.

  18. I was introduced to the joy of Mt. Dew as a 9 year old child, on weekend fishing trips with a friend of my dad’s. We would stop for provisions for the day, and I could get a six-pack of soda. I discovered the glass 12 oz. long neck bottles of Mt. Dew, and it was nectar of the gods. Nothing has ever compared to the taste of those bottles on the fishing trips.

    I drank it whenever I could, and even in the nasty 2 liter plastic bottles during college. I eventually gave it up, as the taste seemed to get worse as I got older (probably when they switched to corn syrup, plus the plastic bottles). I had to switch to non-sugar drinks to help my blood sugar levels anyway. Diet Mt. Dew was just horrible, not even close to the proper taste.

  19. Once again you have articulated verbally what I have thought mentally and done it with artistic flair. When people ask me about my sweet mana I shall direct them here.

  20. Once again you have articulated verbally what I have thought mentally and done it with artistic flair. When people ask me about my sweet mana I shall direct them here.

  21. You mean the “stay-on” tabs that replaced the old environmentally nasty pull tabs? That happened in the USA around the time that aluminum soda cans were introduced. Can’t remember when, exactly, but it was around the early 80s.

  22. Right. I’ve only seen can tabs that pull completely off on canned fruit juice.

    Sometime in the late 80’s (I was 10-12), I found an old Pepsi can with the current design (apart from the stupid wide-mouth nonsense) in my grandmother’s barn that said “New, stay-open top!”, and I thought it was from well before I was born.

  23. And I could have sworn I asked about it then, and was told that you used to open a can of pop (soda) with a churchkey. Maybe they were just simplifying for the kid, though.

  24. I’ve never been one for the original, but Code Red and Baja Blast? I can guzzle the stuff (thank you, Taco Bell, for saving me from the dreaded Coke). Even though I acknowledge that Baja Blast kinda tastes like perfume . . . it’s still perfume I want to drink.

  25. I’ve never been one for the original, but Code Red and Baja Blast? I can guzzle the stuff (thank you, Taco Bell, for saving me from the dreaded Coke). Even though I acknowledge that Baja Blast kinda tastes like perfume . . . it’s still perfume I want to drink.

  26. LOL! Not just a bagel, a bagel sandwich with whatever you want in it. You could pile it with an entire dinner and it would still be the same price. I haven’t been there since 2006, it used to be the cheapest meal we could find other than fast food and way tastier.

  27. LOL! Not just a bagel, a bagel sandwich with whatever you want in it. You could pile it with an entire dinner and it would still be the same price. I haven’t been there since 2006, it used to be the cheapest meal we could find other than fast food and way tastier.

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