Fragments of Los Angeles: Fucking Machines

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I’ve always been fascinated by fucking machines. The idea of a mechanical contraption designed and built to fuck the person riding it, relentlessly and tirelessly, appeals to the mad scientist in me. In fact, I could easily see myself making a living designing and building fucking machines, were it not for the fact that I lack patience and attention to detail, two qualities of incalculable value in the performance of said job functions.

Indeed, I’ve always wanted to own a steam-powered fucking machine, because the notion of such a thing appeals to my sensibilities on so many levels. It strikes me as being at once quintessentially steampunk and also a repudiation of Victorian social mores; and besides, how awesome would it be to have a partner being fucked by an enormous, clanking machine with jets of steam issuing out of it, while I cackle with glee and scamper around tending to the boiler and oiling the various parts of the machine with an oil can?

Ahem. But I digress. In any event, such a machine would be impractically big and unreasonably dangerous, and conversations with physicsduck about the practical realities of such a machine soon dashed any hopes that I might one day own such a thing.

However, I still like fucking machines, and on my trip to Los Angeles I met a couple of folks who do make their living designing and selling such machines. And they gave me one. Which is–get this–designed to accommodate two people at once.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the Monkey Rocker Tango:

The Monkey Rocker is a fucking machine without the machinery. It’s built in a very clever way so that the top part glides back and forth, kind of like those gliding ottoman things that people put their feet on, only when this thing glides back and forth, it operates a lever connected in such a way that it moves up and down. The lever has a platform for mounting a dildo on it, and…well, you get the idea.

You can get a sense of how the dildos are mounted in this pic. It also comes with little adapter thingies that let you mount those dildos that use the Vac-U-Lock system that’s more commonly used on some strap-ons, but in my experience the Vac-U-Lock dildos I’ve seen are crap, so I doubt I’ll be using them:

So if a couple of people were to sit straddling this thing, say, either facing away from each other and holding the handles or facing toward each other and holding one another, and one of them should happen to move, or some uninvolved third party should happen to move the handles, then the two dildos would move up and down in what engineers and techy folks like to call a “reciprocal motion.”

And if, just as a for example, the people on this machine were to, say, happen to be tied to it… well, I will leave the results, Gentle Readers, to your imaginations.

Which is not to say that I advocate tying people to fucking machines, except insofar as it sounds like a lot of fun, and I can think of a few folks who will likely find themselves tied to this one at some point in the indeterminate future, oh yes I can. And again, I digress.

Anyway, when i took this home from the airport in my tiny two-seat sports car, a process that necessitated removing the roof from the car and placing the box standing up in the passenger seat on account of the fact that I have no trunk to speak of, I was pleasantly surprised by the unboxing procedure.

The folks who designed and built this thing have an attention to detail that borders on the fanatic. Even the way it’s boxed up, with custom-made pieces of foam rubber to hold it all in place, shows attention to detail; I’ve bought some big-ticket items from computer and appliance companies who could learn a thing or two about retail packaging from these guys.

Come to think of it, so could the guys at Ikea. Some assembly required, sure, but in this case “some assembly required” means “about thirty seconds with no tools.” Seriously, the way this thing is designed makes the folks at Ikea look like a bunch of careless nutters with a hatchet.

Yet again, I digress.

Anyhow, the Tango is designed in such a way that as one dildo goes up, the other goes down, and vice versa, like so:

And the best thing about it is that it’s silent. I mean like eerily silent. The better to hear the moans and screams of the people tied to it, I think. (That’s one of the problems with the Sybian, by the way; I’ve seen those things used at many play parties, and they sound like a freight train loaded with bowling balls colliding at high speed with a cement mixer full of marbles. What’s the point of strapping your favorite Innocent Victim to a relentless mechanical fucking apparatus if you can’t savor every little gasp and scream?)

Liam the kittycat quickly discovered that the assembled device is exactly the right size for a Secret Lair of his own, and has taken to lurking beneath it and, I don’t know, plotting the invasion of France or something.

108 thoughts on “Fragments of Los Angeles: Fucking Machines”

  11. Most photos of fucking machines don’t have a pussy under the machine 🙂

    Very cool toy. They had the single rider version at Mr. S when we were there last weekend.

    We’ll be showing off some home-made fucking machines at APEX in Phoenix on Monday night. We also do a two-girl / two-sybian scene, and while it is very loud, you can usually hear the girls over the motors. Usually.

    Reply ↓

  12. Most photos of fucking machines don’t have a pussy under the machine 🙂

    Very cool toy. They had the single rider version at Mr. S when we were there last weekend.

    We’ll be showing off some home-made fucking machines at APEX in Phoenix on Monday night. We also do a two-girl / two-sybian scene, and while it is very loud, you can usually hear the girls over the motors. Usually.

    Reply ↓

  21. I have two words, linear motor.

    Pros: Quite, strong, as fast or slow as needed, programmable, lots of tinker capability.
    Cons: Not cheap, programing, needs electricity.

    Reply ↓

  22. I have two words, linear motor.

    Pros: Quite, strong, as fast or slow as needed, programmable, lots of tinker capability.
    Cons: Not cheap, programing, needs electricity.

    Reply ↓

      • I’m sorry to say I don’t recall who you are.

        And I’m not substantially more slender than I’ve ever been in the past five years or so. That’s a shot that proves an interesting point about photography and playing with angles.

        Reply ↓

        • *laughs* I see you a lot on the dot_poly_snark boards and I occasionally drop by Misanthrope, but don’t comment there. So, just a random Internet schlub. =)

          But I thought I recalled you saying something about upping your workout schedule and training for a specific event, but it’s likely I’m mistaken. Whoops – and yes, I guess it *does* prove an interesting point re: camera angles.

          Don’t mind me. =)

          Reply ↓

  26. They freaking GAVE you one?

    If I was a girl, I’d be jealous. LOL

    Presumably, you have a girl or two to share this with. And if you do, then I’m still jealous. LOL

    Reply ↓

  27. They freaking GAVE you one?

    If I was a girl, I’d be jealous. LOL

    Presumably, you have a girl or two to share this with. And if you do, then I’m still jealous. LOL

    Reply ↓

  28. I’m sorry to say I don’t recall who you are.

    And I’m not substantially more slender than I’ve ever been in the past five years or so. That’s a shot that proves an interesting point about photography and playing with angles.

    Reply ↓

  29. and besides, how awesome would it be to have a partner being fucked by an enormous, clanking machine with jets of steam issuing out of it, while I cackle with glee and scamper around tending to the boiler and oiling the various parts of the machine with an oil can?

    *sighs frustratedly*

    *gets really peeved again at husband for forgetting to pack the Magic Wand for a two-month trip*

    Reply ↓

  30. and besides, how awesome would it be to have a partner being fucked by an enormous, clanking machine with jets of steam issuing out of it, while I cackle with glee and scamper around tending to the boiler and oiling the various parts of the machine with an oil can?

    *sighs frustratedly*

    *gets really peeved again at husband for forgetting to pack the Magic Wand for a two-month trip*

    Reply ↓

  31. I’m totally envious now ^_^

    That looks like a LOT of fun . . . I trust you’ll provide your Gentle Readers with detailed annals of its usage? *grins*

    — A <3

    Reply ↓

  32. I’m totally envious now ^_^

    That looks like a LOT of fun . . . I trust you’ll provide your Gentle Readers with detailed annals of its usage? *grins*

    — A <3

    Reply ↓

  33. *laughs* I see you a lot on the dot_poly_snark boards and I occasionally drop by Misanthrope, but don’t comment there. So, just a random Internet schlub. =)

    But I thought I recalled you saying something about upping your workout schedule and training for a specific event, but it’s likely I’m mistaken. Whoops – and yes, I guess it *does* prove an interesting point re: camera angles.

    Don’t mind me. =)

    Reply ↓

  35. That is my new favorite thing ever. I love the helpful robots, and this combines the charms of a helpful robot with the simplicity of my favorite playground equipment (the 2-person gondola swing, natch).

    Reply ↓

    • alright alright I’ll see if I can work together some manner of steam-powered setup in my 2009 season for you.

      And, speaking of robots…..oh just wait until you see the toy I have coming online in two weeks. If you’d like a sneak preview, check my lj and note the past few “Project Jeff” videos.

      *BIG* robot.

      VERY precise controls. 🙂

      and the BIG GNARLY BOLTS set into the floor in a 10-foot square aren’t for anchoring machines.

      They’re for victi- er volunteers.

      Physics “I’M GONNA HURT YOU! AND IT’S GONNA GET ME OFF!” Duck

      Reply ↓

  36. That is my new favorite thing ever. I love the helpful robots, and this combines the charms of a helpful robot with the simplicity of my favorite playground equipment (the 2-person gondola swing, natch).

    Reply ↓

    • I have not! However, I am told the Cohen brothers interviewed the designer of this contraption personally, and that there’s a fucking machine in the movie which is modeled after the one-person version of the Monkey Rocker.

      The notion of a Hollywood set dresser or prop designer building a fucking machine tickles me.

      Reply ↓

      • If you don’t mind a bit of a spoiler. Clooney’s character builds one from Home Depot supplies.

        I’d be curious to see one in action, same goes for the Sybian. It’s one thing to see it, or to even see it in motion without a passenger, but without a person to see if the angles are right….

        Reply ↓

  40. alright alright I’ll see if I can work together some manner of steam-powered setup in my 2009 season for you.

    And, speaking of robots…..oh just wait until you see the toy I have coming online in two weeks. If you’d like a sneak preview, check my lj and note the past few “Project Jeff” videos.

    *BIG* robot.

    VERY precise controls. 🙂

    and the BIG GNARLY BOLTS set into the floor in a 10-foot square aren’t for anchoring machines.

    They’re for victi- er volunteers.

    Physics “I’M GONNA HURT YOU! AND IT’S GONNA GET ME OFF!” Duck

    Reply ↓

  41. I have not! However, I am told the Cohen brothers interviewed the designer of this contraption personally, and that there’s a fucking machine in the movie which is modeled after the one-person version of the Monkey Rocker.

    The notion of a Hollywood set dresser or prop designer building a fucking machine tickles me.

    Reply ↓

  42. If you don’t mind a bit of a spoiler. Clooney’s character builds one from Home Depot supplies.

    I’d be curious to see one in action, same goes for the Sybian. It’s one thing to see it, or to even see it in motion without a passenger, but without a person to see if the angles are right….

    Reply ↓

  45. You might be premature writing off the steam powered fucking machine. In Victorian days, women were not supposed to enjoy sex. Wives instead, when feeling “the vapors,” would go to their family doctors for treatments to induce orgasms (I forget the specific term used; I believe it was Greek).

    Doctors manually manipulating the women of the community quickly tired of their task. This opened the door for medical devices designed specifically to induce orgasm. Many were electric; some weighed over 300 pounds and had to be mounted to the ceiling. And yes, many early ones used steam power.

    I read this in Wired a few years ago. A woman had pursued a doctoral thesis on the topic, one that had fallen off the cultural radar. (Sadly, I couldn’t find the article online.) Also, Ed Begley, Jr. once played a collector on Boston Legal fighting his wife for custody of their antique steam powered fuck machine. IIRC, they agreed to visitation.

    Still, that rocker you got looks more promising, since it gives the participants direct feedback. Enjoy!

    Reply ↓

    • I have heard of this too (it was for treatment of “hysteria,” no?)

      This knowledge combined with the fact that my primary care doctor is really cute have made for some interesting fantasies…

      Reply ↓

  46. You might be premature writing off the steam powered fucking machine. In Victorian days, women were not supposed to enjoy sex. Wives instead, when feeling “the vapors,” would go to their family doctors for treatments to induce orgasms (I forget the specific term used; I believe it was Greek).

    Doctors manually manipulating the women of the community quickly tired of their task. This opened the door for medical devices designed specifically to induce orgasm. Many were electric; some weighed over 300 pounds and had to be mounted to the ceiling. And yes, many early ones used steam power.

    I read this in Wired a few years ago. A woman had pursued a doctoral thesis on the topic, one that had fallen off the cultural radar. (Sadly, I couldn’t find the article online.) Also, Ed Begley, Jr. once played a collector on Boston Legal fighting his wife for custody of their antique steam powered fuck machine. IIRC, they agreed to visitation.

    Still, that rocker you got looks more promising, since it gives the participants direct feedback. Enjoy!

    Reply ↓

  49. Pure Awesome. I see so many exercise machines being offered for free or laying abandoned, I can’t help but think of human powered sex toys.

    There’s something very pleasing about taking a movement in this direction and having the energy applied in that direction. I also like the idea of furniture with no other purpose than sexual. Sit on this thing, and it’s clear what you want to do.

    My dream home has an entire room just for this sort of thing.

    Reply ↓

  50. Pure Awesome. I see so many exercise machines being offered for free or laying abandoned, I can’t help but think of human powered sex toys.

    There’s something very pleasing about taking a movement in this direction and having the energy applied in that direction. I also like the idea of furniture with no other purpose than sexual. Sit on this thing, and it’s clear what you want to do.

    My dream home has an entire room just for this sort of thing.

    Reply ↓

  62. Oh MY! My, my, my.
    How delighted I am to have found you.
    And to be added by you.
    And I know that I am but a pion in your devout community, but I will fantasize about being one of the lucky tied and tested subjects!

    Reply ↓

  63. Oh MY! My, my, my.
    How delighted I am to have found you.
    And to be added by you.
    And I know that I am but a pion in your devout community, but I will fantasize about being one of the lucky tied and tested subjects!

    Reply ↓

  64. I have heard of this too (it was for treatment of “hysteria,” no?)

    This knowledge combined with the fact that my primary care doctor is really cute have made for some interesting fantasies…

    Reply ↓

  67. Hello, new best friend! DO WANT. Erm…
    That’s really, really AWESOME. And a lovely new centerpiece/evil kitty lair for your living room. When I found out about the original Monkey Rocker, I went, “That’s brilliant! Why the hell didn’t I think of that?” The quiet is a definite plus, although I’d still like a Sybian (if only to rent it out and make lots of money from it, besides using it occasionally).

    Reply ↓

  68. Hello, new best friend! DO WANT. Erm…
    That’s really, really AWESOME. And a lovely new centerpiece/evil kitty lair for your living room. When I found out about the original Monkey Rocker, I went, “That’s brilliant! Why the hell didn’t I think of that?” The quiet is a definite plus, although I’d still like a Sybian (if only to rent it out and make lots of money from it, besides using it occasionally).

    Reply ↓

  69. Don’t give up on steam powered sex toys. You just don’t actually use the steam inside the toy itself. Imagine a fucking machine with a long reach piston which is driven by a steam engine. Just keep the boiler in a safe location an a small hydraulic tube to bring steam to the engine and you’ll be fine.

    Of course, I’m no a _mechanical_ engineer of any kind.

    Reply ↓

  70. Don’t give up on steam powered sex toys. You just don’t actually use the steam inside the toy itself. Imagine a fucking machine with a long reach piston which is driven by a steam engine. Just keep the boiler in a safe location an a small hydraulic tube to bring steam to the engine and you’ll be fine.

    Of course, I’m no a _mechanical_ engineer of any kind.

    Reply ↓

  76. Thanks for the cut!

    Well, mostly I’m a student that hasn’t gotten around to making a filtered friendslist (and probably won’t because I’d never remember to go look at the others.) But I also haven’t needed to because most of the time there aren’t pictures.
    I’m not worried about text when it’s folks looking over my shoulder, but pictures, those get me to comment.

    Reply ↓

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