Some thoughts about sex toys

…in which Franklin raves about his current favorite toy, made by NJoy:

This thing, which I’ve recently heard compared to a prop from Star Trek, is an NJoy Pleasure Wand. It’s about eight inches long, it’s heavy (weighs nearly a pound!), the ball on the right-hand side is about an inch in diameter, it’s made of surgical stainless steel, and it is without question one of the Coolest. Sex. Toys. Ever.

It even comes in a neat red-lined display box.

And man, this toy can do just about anything. Any kind of sensation you can imagine (and as a seasoned, veteran pervert, I can imagine quite a lot) you can get with this.

Let’s start with the obvious uses. The right-hand side is for vaginal penetration, the left-hand side is for anal penetration. As a straight-ahead dildo, it’s quite good. The stainless steel warms up very quickly, and it’s very smooth. The end is curved, and manages to find the G-spot of everyone I’ve used it with very nicely. Insert, move vigorously or not so vigorously (as your own personal taste dictates), repeat ’til orgasm. It’ll certainly never wear out or need to be replaced, and it does the job quite nicely.

But it’s got so much more to offer. Oh, my word, does it have more.

This thing is exactly what the doctor ordered for any mad scientists out there–and I know I have more than a few of you on my friends list. It looks the part to a T; it’s hard to show in a photograph just how beautiful this toy is, and it’s got that slightly sinister, slightly alien look to it that’s always in vogue among mad scientists and evil geniuses everywhere.

It can be used to create and manipulate sensation within your victim partner with exquisite control. If temperature play is your thing, it holds both heat and cold very well, and unlike most glass toys, you can actually put it in the freezer without worrying about thermal stress cracking it.

It’s hard but very smooth; the smoothness means that when it’s exactly at body temperature, if you move it slowly, it almost doesn’t feel like a solid object. If it’s moved very slowly and gently, it’s more a rush of sensation than a feeling of penetration; one of my partners has described it like feeling a gush of warm liquid, rather than like a hard object.

That’s if you move it slowly and gently, of course.

If you move it less slowly and gently, then it feels a bit more like a conventional dildo, except that if your partner is lying on her back and you’re holding it so that the end curves upward, it has a quite effortless habit of moving precisely along some very, very sensitive bits inside, with all the effect you’d expect from that. You can even, if you’re of a suitably wicked bent, rest the ball precisely against your partner’s G-spot and then turn it slightly from side to side, rather than in and out, and move more and more slowly as she gets closer and closer to orgasm, and stop right when she’s on the edge. If you hold it still, then she might even be able to come just by contracting around it.

Or not, if you tilt your hand upward slightly when she contracts, bringing the ball away from the inner wall of her vagina. If you do that, she’ll just be frustrated and horny.

Not that, y’know, I’m actually recommending that, or anything. I’m just sayin’.

And it’s even useful for secret police, interrogators, and space aliens everywhere. If, for example, you were to have abducted an earth human and wanted to probe your captive as part of some kind of weird alien experiment, or if your captive was resistant to most normal interrogation techniques and a bit more persuasion were called for, well, this little implement is just the thing. It can go from “Oh my God I’m going to come!” to “Sweet Jesus, I’ll tell you anything!” in just a flick of the wrist, and the transformation is…dramatic.

Should this be the sort of thing that suits your tastes, you might want to tie your partner down first. Again, I’m just sayin’.

One of my own personal favorite things to do is to use it on my partner directly after I’ve just fisted her. Three or four nice, hard orgasms around my hand is really good at getting the blood flowing and getting all the sensitive bits especially sensitive, when even the slightest touch is almost unbearably intense…that’s just the right time to get out the probe. And just…barely…move it.

If you’ve got your partner tied down for this, might want to have a gag handy, too. You don’t want to, y’know, disturb the neighbors or anything; that’s just rude.

Just to be perfectly clear on this point: There’s no evidence that the people who designed this toy are actually Cylons.

National Coming Out Day…

…woudn’t be necessary if nobody stayed in the closet. Staying in the closet wouldn’t be necessary if people, on the whole, weren’t a bunch of judgmental monkeys. It gets more complicated, though, when one considers that staying in the closet means not confronting the fears and prejudices of others, which means that fear and prejudice tends to take firmer hold.

I thought about making a “national coming out day” post, but it’s kind of difficult to do that when one is already about as “out” as it’s possible to be without getting posterboard, Magic Marker, and glitter involved. So what does that leave to say?

Straight. Check. Though honestly, that’s a bug, not a feature.

Poly. Check. Three current partners, one potential new partner, and I still live alone. Clearly, I’m doing something wrong.

Kinky. Check. Just bought forty feet of lovely black rope the day before yesterday, which I may even have a chance to use soon.

Mad scientist. Check. One day, you will all revere me as your overlord. Unless you’re Steve “Monkey Boy” Ballmer, that is. He’ll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes and my army of unstoppable hunter-killer bots sweeps the globe.

Linux-basher. Check. Yeah, I know, I know, that’ll get you killed in some places, but… Gnome sucks. KDE sucks. The entire open-source community can’t create a decent user interface to save its collective ass. I’m sorry, but I just can’t live a lie. It needs to be said. Even if nobody else will say it.

And now, off to dinner with the surrealistically sexy feyscorruption.

Things To Do This Evening

Going to be a busy evening. After work, I need to:

– Go grocery shopping
– File a formal, written DMCA copyright infringement complaint against for copying large swaths of my Web site without permission or attribution, and on top of that having the gall to claim copyright on the material themselves
– Buy rope
– Do laundry – oh, sweet Jesus, do lots and lots of laundry

Any theologians out there on my flist? Who would Jesus crib copyrighted material from?

I for one welcome our new robot overlords

Foster-Miller, Inc., now part of QinetiQ North America, is a technology and product development company with an international reputation for delivering innovative products and systems that perform under the most demanding conditions.

Did I say overlords? I meant protectors.

So, I missed Necro.

That means, no drunken naked bondage Werewolf for me this weekend. And that’s just very sad. I even missed bonedaddybruce and kaithia‘s engagement…congrats, guys!

On the good side, however, I had pie for breakfast last week. Every day last week. Very tasty peach pie, from the very tasty feyscorruption. And I didn’t even frighten her off!

Mmm, pie.

The lack of drunken naked bondage Werewolf was the unfortunate result of an unhappy coincidence involving Shelly’s test schedules and some last-minute changes of Greyhound bus schedules (“Go Greyhound, and leave your mind on the bus!”); up until mere hours before te convention was to have started, we still believed we’d be there. I did get to spend a nice weekend with Shelly, though, and wish her a happy birthday. (Happy birthday, sweetie!)

I am, however, facing something of a pickle. I’ve been invited to an Alice-in-Wonderland-themed party soon, at which, I’m told, costumes are mandatory. I don’t really have any costumes, nor anything from which to make one, nor the skill to make one even if I had the requisite materials. Does a pair of ears, a tail, and a Nitzer Ebb T-shirt qualify as a minimalist interpretation of the Cheshire Cat? Or is the Cheshire Cat more of a Einstuerzende Neubauten type, do you think?

Mmm, pie.