I’m working on a substantial revamp of my poly Web page, which will probably roughly quintuple its size.
Right now, I’m actively seeking any advice, anecdotes, suggestions, or resources (on the Web or in print) about people who self-identify as monogamous in poly relationships.
A lot of the material I’ve already written has come from my own experience (my wife self-identifies as monogamous, though we’ve been actively poly for fifteen years with great success), and a great deal of assistance has also come from the polymono mailing list. But if anyone here has any other advice or input, please, let me know (either in this forum or by email). I’m more than happy to credit you, if you like (or not, if you prefer).
Have you contacted Laire/Rita who helps run the mono/poly (as opposed to poly/mono) list? She’s a member of PolyCentral and BrevardPoly… and I believe is signed up to do the Mono/Poly workshop at FPR. If you don’t have her contact info, I’d be happy to put you guys in touch.
Have you contacted Laire/Rita who helps run the mono/poly (as opposed to poly/mono) list? She’s a member of PolyCentral and BrevardPoly… and I believe is signed up to do the Mono/Poly workshop at FPR. If you don’t have her contact info, I’d be happy to put you guys in touch.
Sorry, as you know I was unsuccessful in my attempt, though that was not about poly completley. But I did manage to find out how I define love, or what it takes for me to feel loved.
Anyway, I thought your site an awesome resource. I like that you have another of my interests featured there as well. 🙂
Sorry, as you know I was unsuccessful in my attempt, though that was not about poly completley. But I did manage to find out how I define love, or what it takes for me to feel loved.
Anyway, I thought your site an awesome resource. I like that you have another of my interests featured there as well. 🙂
Sadly, I think most of us who have experiences with poly-mono relationships do not have experiences with success. I think there is something to be learned from the ‘failures’ however (I put in quotes because I think anything you learn from is actually a success). My partner absolutely had the ability to care about, date, and have sex with other people.. however he always loved me the most, always wanted me the most. I unwaveringly held the number one spot in his heart. Because that was the way his heart worked and that was the way he understood love, I think it was only natural that he would expect the same thing from me in order to feel secure. However there is absolutely no way I can offer emotional primacy to anyone. I understand primacy in every other way.. but my heart does not operate in a compartmentalized or heirarchical fashion. I find that my attention gravitates towards opportunities for growth and exploration.. and those opportunities are ever presenting themselves and ever changing. I think my partner saw me as having ADD of the heart, but I think the truth is that my passion is transient and ever moving. I think that if I could have given him something other than love to hold onto maybe we could have worked through that incompatibility (though we had other issues as well). If he could have held onto loyalty, companionship, friendship, then maybe he wouldn’t have felt so unsecure. I am a rock solid friend and life companion – but he needed me to love him the same way he loved me. Because I could not, it became impossible not to cheat on him. My emotions were a violation to him, because he could not understand the way my heart worked.
What am I trying to say with all this? That the only way I think poly-mono can work is if you have two very strong individuals. There is a basic incompatibility and lack of understanding in a very fragile area and it takes extra work to help put insecurities at ease and create understanding. And if either individual is weak and irrationally afraid when it comes to issues of security, abandonment etc. then coming to understanding is going to be really tough.
My fuzzy green .02
Sadly, I think most of us who have experiences with poly-mono relationships do not have experiences with success. I think there is something to be learned from the ‘failures’ however (I put in quotes because I think anything you learn from is actually a success). My partner absolutely had the ability to care about, date, and have sex with other people.. however he always loved me the most, always wanted me the most. I unwaveringly held the number one spot in his heart. Because that was the way his heart worked and that was the way he understood love, I think it was only natural that he would expect the same thing from me in order to feel secure. However there is absolutely no way I can offer emotional primacy to anyone. I understand primacy in every other way.. but my heart does not operate in a compartmentalized or heirarchical fashion. I find that my attention gravitates towards opportunities for growth and exploration.. and those opportunities are ever presenting themselves and ever changing. I think my partner saw me as having ADD of the heart, but I think the truth is that my passion is transient and ever moving. I think that if I could have given him something other than love to hold onto maybe we could have worked through that incompatibility (though we had other issues as well). If he could have held onto loyalty, companionship, friendship, then maybe he wouldn’t have felt so unsecure. I am a rock solid friend and life companion – but he needed me to love him the same way he loved me. Because I could not, it became impossible not to cheat on him. My emotions were a violation to him, because he could not understand the way my heart worked.
What am I trying to say with all this? That the only way I think poly-mono can work is if you have two very strong individuals. There is a basic incompatibility and lack of understanding in a very fragile area and it takes extra work to help put insecurities at ease and create understanding. And if either individual is weak and irrationally afraid when it comes to issues of security, abandonment etc. then coming to understanding is going to be really tough.
My fuzzy green .02