Sunday afternoon, kellyv and I were on our way to a friend’s house when a very large yellow-bellied slider turtle walked out in the road in front of us, missing another car by inches. She slammed on the brakes, and I darted out in traffic to snatch the turtle out of the road and toss it into the car, to be released somewhere safer.

Let me tell you some things that most people don’t know about turtles.

Turtles are fast. (The slow things aren’t turtles; they’re tortoises. Different animal altogether.)

They’re also aggressive. All the turtles indigenous to North America don’t eat lettuce; they eat meat. Fish, mostly; also, the occasional lizard, other reptiles and amphibians, and even unlucky ducks.

That’s right, boys and girls, adult slider turtles can take down a full-grown duck.

Anyway, this particular turtle–rather a large specimin–was not one bit happy at his sudden rescue. Turtles have very long claws, and did I mention they’re aggressive? He let me know he didn’t appreciate what I was doing, with his claws.

We took him to a protected wildlife preserve, fussing and scratching the whole way. And therein lies the rub.

You see, in spite of all the fussing he was doing, I was acting in his best interest. Had I not grabbed him, he’d have been splattered dead in about three-quarters of a second.

And that, it seems, is the way of things. You’d think by now the world would realize that I know what’s best, and just get the hell out of my way and let me do what I’m doing, instead of putting up a fuss all the time. 🙂