So recently, someone on another forum I read posted this link to an article about a Britney Spears lesbian sex-tape scandal.
Whee! Another day, another drug-fueled media superstar homosexual orgy!
Maybe it’s just me, but c’mon. A Britney Spears lesbian sex tape? Isn’t that, like, so last-century? Drug-fueled homoerotic scandals have become so trendy that even the Religious Right is getting into the act, and when they’ve started embracing a fad, you KNOW it’s all over.
Okay, so I can see how it might have had a certain mass appeal at one time. I still remember the Billboard magazine poll that showed that 53% of all American middle-aged men have had fantasies of Britney Spears bent over a pool table taking it in the ass from a strapon-wielding Russian dominatrix in “Knight Rider” Underoos. (Oh, don’t look at me like that. You know she’s into anal; she’s been getting it up the ass from the Recording Industry Association of America for long enough!) And I’m sure it’s probably those same 53% of American men who’ll end up acting all outraged when the next Britney sex tape appears on boringcelebrityescapades.com. Virgin-Whore Complex, thy name is American pop culture.
But still. While I admire her spirit, I gotta think it’s too little, too late. I mean. she’s technically a MILF now, and that’s a whole ‘nother demographic altogether.
I’m a bit mystified by the news report. “According to several sources, the footage inside the sex video is so outrageous and shocking that it may be the ‘final straw that broke the camel’s back’.” Exactly what camel are we talking about here? People, we live in an age where sites like “sexandsubmission.com” are so thoroughly mainstream that the owners have to engage in multimillion-dollar real estate deals just to get new digs to film in. Whatever Britney is up to with a couple of strippers, I guarandamntee you it’s not “outrageous and shocking.”
Now, maybe if you threw in a wildebeest, sixteen cases of Silly String, a dozen feet of rubber tubing, three titanium sporks, and a life-sized cardboard cutout of Karl Rove, we’d be talking shock and awe. But Britney doing the nasty with two strippers? That’s not shocking and outrageous; that’s the pilot for the new Fox prime-time sitcom! You get more “shocking and outrageous” in an average apartment building on a weekend night.
Well, okay, not in my apartment this past weekend. I’ve been sick as a dog, and spent most of the weekend loaded up on NyQuil and ibuprofen…but I digress.
Russian dominatrix and Underoos aside, I have a feeling that if this alleged video of Britney ever surfaces, it’ll be every bit as bad as the Paris Hilton sex tape. And I don’t mean “bad” like “Out! Out! Cruel demons of the flesh, begone! Tempt me no more with your carnal delights! Get thee behind me, Satan!” so much as I mean “bad” like “Jesus, will someone PLEASE teach that woman how to fuck?”
If it ever surfaces. Which, frankly, is something I’m a little skeptical of. We have no proof that this video even exists save for a low-resolution photograph of Britney walking up a flight of stairs with two strippers. Many’s the time I’ve walked up a flight of stairs with two strippers, and there was no frenzied lesbian bacchanale at the top. Okay, so I’m sure we can all agree those times are the exception rather than the rule, but still. The photo’s not exactly a smoking gun, y’know?
I don’t know. Maybe Britney was asleep during the Pop Celebrity 101 class where they covered the Madonna Rule…you know, the one that says if you make outrageous, over-the-top images of yourself in sexual situations, for God’s sake make sure you keep the marketing, licensing, and merchandising rights. Maybe Britney’s been replaced by a Pod Person. I dunno, maybe Britney started out as a Pod Person, and now she’s been replaced with a confused child whose life started spinning out of her control long before puberty even hit.
What I don’t get is what’s “shocking” about what she or anyone else wants to do to get their rocks off. Nor why anyone cares at all to begin with.
Oh, and the guy who’s quoted in the article as firing the strippers when he saw the tape? Listen, man, I gotta say, you just made the dumbest business decision of your life. Since people obviously go in for this shit, you shoulda promoted ’em and put up a marquee sign saying “We have strippers who’ve shagged Britney Spears.” Maybe set up a little kiosk selling Knight Rider Underoos. Bet that’d pack the shocked-but-tittilated Baby Boomers in!
eh? not really actually
eh? not really actually
They make strapon-weilding-Russian-Dominatrix-sized KnightRider underoos? why didn’t I know about this, and where can I get some?
Well, if there aren’t strapon-weilding-Russian-Dominatrix-sized Knight Rider Underoos, there damn well should be!
What’s truly frightening, and more than a little horrifying, though, is the fact that there’s a Web site dedicated to kid’s underwear out there.
wow, that’s so frightening, I’m not even going to click the link.
I would click the link out of sheer curiousity, but I have a feeling 100 feds would break my door down the instant I did so.
They make strapon-weilding-Russian-Dominatrix-sized KnightRider underoos? why didn’t I know about this, and where can I get some?
“Now, maybe if you threw in a wildebeest, sixteen cases of Silly String, a dozen feet of rubber tubing, three titanium sporks, and a life-sized cardboard cutout of Karl Rove, we’d be talking shock and awe.”
Who told you about my weekend???? 🙁
And seriously, all the celebrity craziness just makes me ill.
I was eating lunch the other day & in the 30 minutes I sat in front of CNN there were 4 minutes of coverage of the Walter Reed scandal, 2 for a recap of the headlines, 4 of commercials, and 20 on Anna Nicole Smith.
WHY????
Damnit! You beat me to it!
“Now, maybe if you threw in a wildebeest, sixteen cases of Silly String, a dozen feet of rubber tubing, three titanium sporks, and a life-sized cardboard cutout of Karl Rove, we’d be talking shock and awe.”
Who told you about my weekend???? 🙁
And seriously, all the celebrity craziness just makes me ill.
I was eating lunch the other day & in the 30 minutes I sat in front of CNN there were 4 minutes of coverage of the Walter Reed scandal, 2 for a recap of the headlines, 4 of commercials, and 20 on Anna Nicole Smith.
WHY????
tacit, you are in the grand U S of A – of course every body is shocked by the mere fact that people get their rocks off at all (even in the ‘missionary’ position) and they all care because you go to hell if you even think about sex.
Come live in Oz we have a more laid back attitude (though it seems to be getting more uptight the more American media we are exposed to…).
Great rant BTW – love your writing style.
I’m still giggling over the wilderbeest and silly string para…
I dunno, Malcolm Fraser was caught in a hotel corridor wandering around drunk without his daks, and people just rolled their eyes a bit or had a bit of a spiteful giggle (okay, that was me).
but that was a few years ago.
we’ve got johnny H and rudd to deal with now…
our attitude to sex and pollies is more UK but in general the more US TV joe blogs watches the more US he becomes in his thinking
(gross generalisation there i know, but hey, i’m trying to justify a spurious point here 😉
I’ll let it pass, then 🙂
(actually I don’t see this over in Greater Melbourne)
Yanno, one of these days, I just might head Down Under…especially if we get another Bush clone in the White House next year.
And thanks! 🙂
tacit, you are in the grand U S of A – of course every body is shocked by the mere fact that people get their rocks off at all (even in the ‘missionary’ position) and they all care because you go to hell if you even think about sex.
Come live in Oz we have a more laid back attitude (though it seems to be getting more uptight the more American media we are exposed to…).
Great rant BTW – love your writing style.
I’m still giggling over the wilderbeest and silly string para…
I dunno, Malcolm Fraser was caught in a hotel corridor wandering around drunk without his daks, and people just rolled their eyes a bit or had a bit of a spiteful giggle (okay, that was me).
The answer to your question is no. No one cares. 🙂
The answer to your question is no. No one cares. 🙂
I can’t say that consider such a thing either scandalous or important, but I would happily watch the tape.
Me, I think I’d give it a miss. Britney doesn’t do it for me.
In all seriousness, though, I do think it’s more than a little fucked up that a fair chunk of Britney’s fifteen minutes of pop-star popularity can be laid square at the feet of Baby Boomers who drooled over her barely-legal video gyrations and were only too happy to encourage their fourteen-year-old granddaughters’ obsession, and those probably are the same folks who’ll be shocked and appalled when this new video hits the Intarweb.
And I bet they’ll be the same ones who crack open their wallets and pull out their credit cards to download the MPEG video when the Missus is asleep.
Or is that cynical of me?
I’m sure there are a few baby boomers involved, but it’s probably more people like me who are about five years older than her. When she was 16 and I was 21, drooling over her seemed a little naughty, but not to the point that I’d feel disgusted with myself for it.
And I actually own her last album. And like it. *hangs head in shame* It’s fun to go from Overkill to Britney Spears to Paganini in the CD changer, though.
I can’t say that consider such a thing either scandalous or important, but I would happily watch the tape.
For all the protestations I hear about no one caring, if no one really cared, there wouldn’t be anyone to buy these magazines or tune into this news show. Ratings would drop, profits would plummet, and the the law of supply & demand would finally get this tripe off of our media centers.
Clearly *someone* cares, and clearly it’s a lot of someones. I don’t happen to know who, but *someone* is out there.
Yes, clearly someone cares, it’s just hard to imagine who that someone is.
Maybe I’m jaded, but this doesn’t even stir up the slightest inkling of curiousity in me. Whatever is on this supposed tape, I can find better, higher-quality, and most certainly more shocking porn with a quick Google search. Porn just isn’t this rare and scandalous thing anymore. Not even celebrity porn.
For all the protestations I hear about no one caring, if no one really cared, there wouldn’t be anyone to buy these magazines or tune into this news show. Ratings would drop, profits would plummet, and the the law of supply & demand would finally get this tripe off of our media centers.
Clearly *someone* cares, and clearly it’s a lot of someones. I don’t happen to know who, but *someone* is out there.
but that was a few years ago.
we’ve got johnny H and rudd to deal with now…
our attitude to sex and pollies is more UK but in general the more US TV joe blogs watches the more US he becomes in his thinking
(gross generalisation there i know, but hey, i’m trying to justify a spurious point here 😉
I’ll let it pass, then 🙂
(actually I don’t see this over in Greater Melbourne)
Well, if there aren’t strapon-weilding-Russian-Dominatrix-sized Knight Rider Underoos, there damn well should be!
What’s truly frightening, and more than a little horrifying, though, is the fact that there’s a Web site dedicated to kid’s underwear out there.
Yanno, one of these days, I just might head Down Under…especially if we get another Bush clone in the White House next year.
And thanks! 🙂
Me, I think I’d give it a miss. Britney doesn’t do it for me.
In all seriousness, though, I do think it’s more than a little fucked up that a fair chunk of Britney’s fifteen minutes of pop-star popularity can be laid square at the feet of Baby Boomers who drooled over her barely-legal video gyrations and were only too happy to encourage their fourteen-year-old granddaughters’ obsession, and those probably are the same folks who’ll be shocked and appalled when this new video hits the Intarweb.
And I bet they’ll be the same ones who crack open their wallets and pull out their credit cards to download the MPEG video when the Missus is asleep.
Or is that cynical of me?
I’m sure there are a few baby boomers involved, but it’s probably more people like me who are about five years older than her. When she was 16 and I was 21, drooling over her seemed a little naughty, but not to the point that I’d feel disgusted with myself for it.
And I actually own her last album. And like it. *hangs head in shame* It’s fun to go from Overkill to Britney Spears to Paganini in the CD changer, though.
wow, that’s so frightening, I’m not even going to click the link.
Damnit! You beat me to it!
CURSE YOU!
Thanks to you I’ve now I’ve roughly octupled how much time I’ve spent reading about Britney Spears in my entire life, and I feel cheapened for it. How it is that I still call you “friend” is quite beyond me.
Ah well. Rest assured, my dear archnemesis, that I know exactly where you’ll be this weekend, and this time I will be the one who brings medieval siege weaponry! 😉
CURSE YOU!
Thanks to you I’ve now I’ve roughly octupled how much time I’ve spent reading about Britney Spears in my entire life, and I feel cheapened for it. How it is that I still call you “friend” is quite beyond me.
Ah well. Rest assured, my dear archnemesis, that I know exactly where you’ll be this weekend, and this time I will be the one who brings medieval siege weaponry! 😉
I would click the link out of sheer curiousity, but I have a feeling 100 feds would break my door down the instant I did so.
Yes, clearly someone cares, it’s just hard to imagine who that someone is.
Maybe I’m jaded, but this doesn’t even stir up the slightest inkling of curiousity in me. Whatever is on this supposed tape, I can find better, higher-quality, and most certainly more shocking porn with a quick Google search. Porn just isn’t this rare and scandalous thing anymore. Not even celebrity porn.
“you just made the dumbest business decision of your life”
LOL that’s so true!
Why oh why is a bit of sex still such a big deal to so many people… sigh
I’ve friended you, I really enjoy the way you write 🙂
Thanks, and welcome aboard!
“you just made the dumbest business decision of your life”
LOL that’s so true!
Why oh why is a bit of sex still such a big deal to so many people… sigh
I’ve friended you, I really enjoy the way you write 🙂
Thanks, and welcome aboard!