The following is from an email posted to one of the mailing lists I subscribe to (or, more precisely, a mailing list I was subscribed to by the list owners, out of the blue). I swear I’m not making any of this up; you just can’t invent comedy this good.
Ahem.
COME SPEND A DAY WITH THE GOD SQUAD!
http://uthc.tv/
Come… Let Us Love You!! Unconditionally. No matter what. All Day. Overnight. Eternally. We are The God Squad. A Self-Identified, Self-Realized “family” of Transformational Energy Workers, Evolutionary Change Agents and Shamanic Entertainers who have been guided to combine and distill our significant individual backgrounds in a vast assortment of Personal Growth Modalities to offer YOU a Life-Changing Experience of Sustainable Bliss… […]Lots & lots of Genuine Caring & Affection! Experience the natural high, total purification and ecstatic peace that arise instantaneously – and can be cultivated to last forever… from total-immersion focused contact with Awakened Mentors who have transcended jealousy, possessiveness, guilt and shame. Our respective paths have brought us together with what we feel is a singularly unique approach to continuous well-being… We understand and rely upon the Supreme Power of Unrestricted Love to relieve, nurture, restore and rejuvenate ourselves and all whom we engage with… Through guided touch, sound, breath, stillness, connection with nature, high-vibration living foods, profound mind-expanding conversation and spontaneous, sensual, innocent childlike play… you will feel more deeply seen, honored, appreciated and accepted for the beauty of Who You Truly Are… than you may ever have before in your life. We invite you to spend a full day (8 hours) – or perhaps a day and a night (22 hours), in our company. Extended – and Corporate Retreats/Workshops/Events are also available. […]
The God Squad is currently accepting ADVANCE RESERVATIONS for 8-hour and 22-hour Total-Immersion transformation experiences. Suggested Donation up to $2400 (8-hour) $3000 (22 hour)* *(includes up to 2-hours of “diad-time” with Tes AND overnight snuggle privileges with one or more of our practitioners!) tax-deductible –
sliding scale – trade exchange – apprenticeship group rates available yes2tes.com […]PRIVATE SESSIONS WIT TES NOW AVAILABLE… suggested donation $200 per hour. Satisfaction Guaranteed We
look forward to serving you.
Damn. Just…damn. I don’t even know where to begin. Shamantic Entertainers who distill their lives into Personal Growth Modalities…folks, you just can’t get enough of that for my entertainment dollar. And for three thousand dollars, you get two hours of “diad time” with Tess, and overnight snuggle privileges! Oh, boy!
Now, let’s see. $3,000 for two hours… If I’m doing my math right, that means you’re paying $25 a minute for your “diad time,” or about forty-one cents a second–and I thought my cell phone plan was expensive. I sure hope that’s some quality “diad time” there; at those prices, she better swallow.
Of course, the price goes down by nearly an order of magnitude if you don’t want the overnight snuggle privileges; maybe that’s a value-added service the rest of the industry should adopt.
Seriously, though, certain corners of the poly community have in the last few years been overrun by this kind of rubbish. It’s almost enough to make me look for a different word for what I am, just to keep my distance from the pay-for-play “Shamanic Entertainers” who sell private sessions and snuggle privileges in the name of universal consciousness awakening.
“at these prices, she better swallow.” Oy! Thanks for that, I’ll be chuckling all day! 🙂
“at these prices, she better swallow.” Oy! Thanks for that, I’ll be chuckling all day! 🙂
Damn. Out of curiosity, what discussion group was this? “No Ugly Killing Machines” would be my guess. 😉
Now, if you look at their web site, this Tes girl is not altogether unattractive. If she brings a friend then I think that the $200/hr rate is pretty close to market average.
“high-vibration living foods” What do you think THAT is? I’ll bet it screams when you bite into it!
Tell them that your idea of being “loved” is being allowed to beat them with a truncheon. If they go for that then I suggest signing up for the 8-hr session. I don’t know many people who can inflict that degree of suffering for 22 hours straight, and you really want to get your money’s worth.
I’m still having difficulty figuring out where God fits into anything that they’re doing. Isn’t the God Squad most famous for things like slaughtering the first born of Egypt and stuff like that?
The World Polyamory Association list, as a matter of fact–the very same list that brought us the classes on alien abduction.
Now, don’t get me wrong; I have nothing against the idea of the temple prostitute. The role of the sacred whore has a rich and complex history and represents a tradition whose roots run deep in Western culture. So bringing God into the picture is not exactly new.
Still…
For two hours, you’re not really buying a “Total-Immersion transformation experience.” You’re buying a few screaming orgasms from a partner who won’t judge you, won’t complain, and will go away when it’s over. And there’s value in that. But, hey, call a spade a spade. Seems like all the New Age trappings are just there for the benefit of people who want to pay for sex without actually acknowledging they’re paying for sex, y’know? Ain’t no way two hours is going to give someone a “Life-Changing Experience of Sustainable Bliss”–not to denigrate Tes, I’m sure she’s very talented at what she does, but…
Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe God’s her pimp. Could be we’ve been wrong all these years, and the second-oldest profession is really the oldest. 🙂
I tried some high-vibration living food once, but then the ASPCA called and the cops got involved and it just all turned into a big headache. I still haven’t got the stains out of the carpet, either.
i could do it for 22 hours i think.
Damn. Out of curiosity, what discussion group was this? “No Ugly Killing Machines” would be my guess. 😉
Now, if you look at their web site, this Tes girl is not altogether unattractive. If she brings a friend then I think that the $200/hr rate is pretty close to market average.
“high-vibration living foods” What do you think THAT is? I’ll bet it screams when you bite into it!
Tell them that your idea of being “loved” is being allowed to beat them with a truncheon. If they go for that then I suggest signing up for the 8-hr session. I don’t know many people who can inflict that degree of suffering for 22 hours straight, and you really want to get your money’s worth.
I’m still having difficulty figuring out where God fits into anything that they’re doing. Isn’t the God Squad most famous for things like slaughtering the first born of Egypt and stuff like that?
The World Polyamory Association list, as a matter of fact–the very same list that brought us the classes on alien abduction.
Now, don’t get me wrong; I have nothing against the idea of the temple prostitute. The role of the sacred whore has a rich and complex history and represents a tradition whose roots run deep in Western culture. So bringing God into the picture is not exactly new.
Still…
For two hours, you’re not really buying a “Total-Immersion transformation experience.” You’re buying a few screaming orgasms from a partner who won’t judge you, won’t complain, and will go away when it’s over. And there’s value in that. But, hey, call a spade a spade. Seems like all the New Age trappings are just there for the benefit of people who want to pay for sex without actually acknowledging they’re paying for sex, y’know? Ain’t no way two hours is going to give someone a “Life-Changing Experience of Sustainable Bliss”–not to denigrate Tes, I’m sure she’s very talented at what she does, but…
Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe God’s her pimp. Could be we’ve been wrong all these years, and the second-oldest profession is really the oldest. 🙂
I tried some high-vibration living food once, but then the ASPCA called and the cops got involved and it just all turned into a big headache. I still haven’t got the stains out of the carpet, either.
Sign me up! Uh, I just have to go hock my car first.
Sign me up! Uh, I just have to go hock my car first.
I like it when things are nice and clear – Tes is a prostitute, because she’s accepting money in exchange for sex. For all I hear from non-poly folks about our relationships just being for the purpose of having sex, I think they’d be surprised at this little ad.
I’m guessing if you have the money to pay for ‘sessions’ with Tes, it would likely be better spent on a therapist. Less chance for STDs and more helpful in the long run. And if you need to pay someone to cuddle you, you DEFINITELY need psychological help.
“I’m guessing if you have the money to pay for ‘sessions’ with Tes, it would likely be better spent on a therapist.”
I bet you’re absolutely right. Muddying what should be an uncomplicated financial transaction with ideas about “unconditional love” and “expanded consciousness” to me sounds a bit too close to “let’s take advantage of wealthy people with poor self-esteen and self-image issues for the purpose of a buck,” and something about that kinda squicks me a bit, you know?
Or even, let’s take advantage of not-so-wealthy people who are so desperate for human contact that they will beg, borrow, or steal the money they think will provide them with that ‘unconditional love’.
I like it when things are nice and clear – Tes is a prostitute, because she’s accepting money in exchange for sex. For all I hear from non-poly folks about our relationships just being for the purpose of having sex, I think they’d be surprised at this little ad.
I’m guessing if you have the money to pay for ‘sessions’ with Tes, it would likely be better spent on a therapist. Less chance for STDs and more helpful in the long run. And if you need to pay someone to cuddle you, you DEFINITELY need psychological help.
Temple whores! Temple whores! Temple whores!
(claps and bounces like a giddy schoolboy)
Whee!
Expensive temple whores. At those rates, they’re going to have to bring the moneychangers back!
There’s a Temple Whores themecamp at Burning Man every year. There’s others similar where you fill out a menu and get whatever it was you asked for at whatever level you desire. I was too weirded out my first year to try any of it. This year, I might.
Temple whores! Temple whores! Temple whores!
(claps and bounces like a giddy schoolboy)
Whee!
Expensive temple whores. At those rates, they’re going to have to bring the moneychangers back!
At that rate the moneychangers should give blow jobs too!
At that rate the moneychangers should give blow jobs too!
i could do it for 22 hours i think.
dude all you need to do is go to burning man. you can have as much or as little of this as you desire – and it’s all free after you pay to get in…
Or a science fiction convention, for that matter, though the science fiction conventions usually have less shamanistic entertainment and more talk of space elevators and carbon nanotubes.
Mmm, carbon nanotubes.
well space elevators are uplifting and carbon nanotubes imply an invagination somewhere, so perhaps its the same, just on a different metaphoric level… :)-
dude all you need to do is go to burning man. you can have as much or as little of this as you desire – and it’s all free after you pay to get in…
“I’m guessing if you have the money to pay for ‘sessions’ with Tes, it would likely be better spent on a therapist.”
I bet you’re absolutely right. Muddying what should be an uncomplicated financial transaction with ideas about “unconditional love” and “expanded consciousness” to me sounds a bit too close to “let’s take advantage of wealthy people with poor self-esteen and self-image issues for the purpose of a buck,” and something about that kinda squicks me a bit, you know?
Or a science fiction convention, for that matter, though the science fiction conventions usually have less shamanistic entertainment and more talk of space elevators and carbon nanotubes.
Mmm, carbon nanotubes.
Or even, let’s take advantage of not-so-wealthy people who are so desperate for human contact that they will beg, borrow, or steal the money they think will provide them with that ‘unconditional love’.
well space elevators are uplifting and carbon nanotubes imply an invagination somewhere, so perhaps its the same, just on a different metaphoric level… :)-
There’s a Temple Whores themecamp at Burning Man every year. There’s others similar where you fill out a menu and get whatever it was you asked for at whatever level you desire. I was too weirded out my first year to try any of it. This year, I might.