“‘I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner’ doesn’t technically qualify as transhumanism, does it?”
Quotes Out of Context
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Tag Archives: humor
And just for the record…
…because it amuses me…
I’m not the first person who’s ever said ‘Fuck Linux’. I may, however, be the first person who’s ever said ‘Fuck Linux in the ear with a jagged metal dildo.’
Everything I really needed to know about life…
…I learned from the movie Maximum Overdrive. For example:
– An ATM machine printing the word “asshole” on its screen over and over again is really pretty funny.
– If you’re ever attacked by a killer gasoline nozzle that’s been animated by sinister forces in the tail of a comet, step back. The hose is only, like, six feet long or something.
– Same goes for animated killer carving knives. They stop attacking when they reach the end of the power cord. Evil extraterrestrial animating forces can make knobs and levers move on their own, but can’t make the blade of a knife move without electricity. Or something.
– The redneck owners of out-of-the-way diners can always be counted on to have a cache of weapons in the basement.
– Coca-Cola is bad for you. Especially when fired at you from a vengeful vending machine.
– Don’t let Stephen King direct anything.
And most importantly:
– If you’re a truck driver in a Stephen King horror flick, it’s never, never, never a good idea to put a gigantic, demonic Green Goblin face on the front of your semi rig.
Back home…
…from what may easily be the Least productive Business Trip Ever.
Still, it could easily be worse…choose your path wisely, sex drone! (work-safe, funny)
Thoughts from the convention floor…
* * * * * M E M O * * * * *
FROM: Homo Sapiens Sapiens
TO: The other members of the animal kingdom
Re: Some changes
As you may or may not have noticed, the primate family has given rise to a new species. We’d like to take advantage of this opportunity to introduce ourselves.
We are small, hairless, and lacking in armor, scales, fangs, claws, or hides. What we do have, however, are big brains , opposing thumbs, tools, and language. Some of you may believe that these don’t count for much. This memo is here to set the record straight.
Over the next seventy thousand years or so, our numbers will explode, and we plan to dominate every climate and every geographical region.
Many of you will be hunted into extinction, either for food or for sport. Many of you will be exterminated as we encroach on your habitat. A few of you will be domesticated, as food animals, beasts of burden, or (if you are cute and fluffy enough) companions. All things considered, domestication is probably your best bet.
Some of you are dozens of times bigger, stronger, and faster than we are. You may think that this gives you an advantage over us. We have a different way of looking at it; we seet it more as “one of you will feed fifty of us for a week.”
Some of you currently inhabit areas that very remote geographically, or seem to have climates inhospitable to a naked ape, or both. We’re more adaptable than you, though. We’ll get there eventually, trust us on this. Again, all things considered, domestication is probably your best bet.
Regards,
Adam
PS: Homo Neandertalis: Yes, we’re aware you also have tools, language, and opposing thumbs, and you’re gifted with a higher cranial capacity than we are. However, we breed faster than you do, we form larger social groups than you do, and we’re more aggressive than you are. Just sayin’.
PPS: Did I mention that we’re really, really, really aggressive?
AHA!
All this time, I thought that maintaining multiple romantic relationships requires work, compassion, good interpersonal and problem-solving skills, negotiation… Apparently, all you need is:
…beer.
Putting the world on notice
Okay, since I am an evil genius, and I shall soon rule the world (now that the nanovirus to destroy datan0de‘s cybernetic army has passed testing and has moved into the production phase), and since things look to be on track for total world domination by the second quarter of 2006, I thought that as your future supreme ruler, I ought to let y’all know about a few things. Just so you can’t say later that I didn’t warn you.
– Spammers, phishers, and that one person at Texaco who stole my credit card number when I bought a new tire for my car: The dungeons are already being constructed. I’m importing large, highly venomous spiders from South America, snakes from Africa, and a few surprises you won’t be expecting from Australia and the Galapagos Islands, just for your discomfort. Needless to say, the dungeons will not be air-conditioned. Oh, and did I mention that they’re in what is now called Haiti?
– Those Jehovah’s Witnesses who wake me up by kncking on my door at 8 AM: No dungeon for you. Instead, since you’ve taken an active interest in the well-being of my soul in the next world, you can take just as active an interest in the maintenance of my lair in this. You guys will get to clean the pirhana tanks, shovel the loins’ den, and clean up after any unwanted incursions of the pathetic handful of revolutionary rabble who may try to invade my secret fortress from time to time. Bring plenty of Oxy-Clean. You’re on duty starting at five AM.
– The following people will have forty-eight hours to report for behavioral modification and chip implantation, or be hunted down by my army of flying, cybernetic monkeys: Rush Limbaugh, Pat Robertson, Dick Cheney, Patrick O’Reilly, and Phyllis Schlafly. The Bioelectronic Behavioral Monitoring Implant(tm) (patent pending) will automatically deliver a powerful electrical shock to your genital regions whenever you say or think the phrases “tax and spend Democrat,” “liberal agenda,” “homosexual agenda,” “Feminazi,” or “Teddy Kennedy is morally bankrupt.”
– George Carlin will be promoted to Vice-Governor of the Greater North Atlantic Area. He seems up for the job.
– Microsoft: No, I’m not going to disassemble Microsoft. Instead, I’m simply going to fine Microsoft five cents for every security flaw in Windows, plus five cents for every computer infected by a virus or Trojan as a result of those flaws. By the time the fines are paid, the company should be worth, by my rough calculations, fifty-three dollars and sixty cents, give or take ten bucks or so.
– Whoever thought deep-fried Twinkies were a good idea…man, you are in so much trouble.
– The Kansas City Board of Education, the Georgia State Board of Education, and all you other cretins who want to ban the teaching of evolution in public schools: Since it’s clear that no evolution has taken place in your states for thousands of years, it’s safe to say you can be used as experimental animals, no?
– John Ashcroft has totalitarian leanings that could be quite useful to me as I rule the world with an iron fist. However, the “no-brain Fundamentalist” thing and the “afraid of calico cats” thing disqualify him for a position on the High Council, and that “repressed sexual prude” thing is a total non-starter. Therefore, TO THE DUNGEONS WITH HIM! And a bucket full of spiders.
– Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen will report to Launch Pad 3 within 24 hours. Since you’re already famous, I’ll make you famous for something!
– Israelis, Palestinians, you will both go to your rooms for the next two hundred years. And you’re both grounded. No telephone, no movies, no weapons of mass destruction, and no supper!
There’s more; you will all be informed through the proper channels when the time is right.
Fun link o’ the day
With a tip of the hat to camwyn…this is BRILLIANT.
J. R. R. Tolkein’s The Silmarillion, retold in a thousand words.
Edit: Bad link fixed. Oops!
All your base are belong to Calvin and Hobbes!
For those of you who are fans of “All Your Base are Belong to Us,” I offer you…
Noted Without Comment
