Record Broken: 82% of U.S. Email is Spam

Outdoing most analysts’ worst predictions, spam accounted for 82 percent of all U.S. email last month.

After a two-month drop in spam, the number of unsolicited bulk email skyrocketed in April, bringing the saturation number up to record levels here in the U.S. and across the world, according to MessageLabs, Inc., a security company based in New York. […]

Of that 82%, I think at least 75% of it landed in my email box. This shit is obnoxious.

For the record, I do not want a bigger penis, larger breasts, a new home mortgage, a copy of Windows XP for $49, or a vacation in Orlando. I will not give anyone my bank account number so they can transfer $28,000,000 from Nigeria, watch Michelle have wild sex with barnyard animals on her secret dorm-room Webcam, or invest in a fertilizer company’s stok at 16 cents a share. I do not have a timeshare for sale, I do not need any Vicodin, and I am not looking for a new partner at Matchup.com.

Last time I checked, “eifsTuFy7mUuWbDz” was not a word, and if you’re going to try to sell something to me with such enticing offers as “Friend, twisting from my embrace compressor up and doing!” you may want to rethink your approach.

Call me whacky, I do not see how giving six anonymous strangers $5 each today is going to get me $17,000 tomorrow. My employer is perfectly happy even though I have no college degree; I am, you see, the owner of the business. I do not want to “Submit to the Natural-Born Bitch, the Princess of Fetish,” but thanks for asking! I do not want to “spatterdrop rap” my “ema1l campa1gn.” I doubt an email entitled “acrylic mango open” is going to help me “cl1mb the ladder to s.u.c.c.e.s.s.”

I do not care what Paris Hilton’s boyfriend used, which herbs are more efficient than via-gra, or what the Survivor cast did when the cameras were off. I was not born yesterday, and I am not going to give you my credit card number, my eBay password, or my ATM PIN number, even if you insist that I will lose my banking privileges, my Internet access, or my firstborn son if I don’t, mkay?

I do not speak Russian, Japanese, Chinese, or Korean, so assume that I’m a lost sale if your message is not even English.

I do not need to spy on all my friends–I have, you see, chosen friends I can trust. I do not want a copy of your Banned CD filled with Amazing Hacker Secrets–I was a hacker before you were even born. I do not need your low-carb diet, your South Beach diet, your herbal diet supplements, your amazing Sudanese dieting secrets, your amazing Chinese dieting secrets, or your amazing body-wrap secrets–I’m skinny enough already, thanks.

I do not want in on the ground floor of your real-estate scheme, your online marketing scheme, or your PayPal pyramid scheme. I do not want high-quality Rolex watches at unbelievably low prices.

I do not need to “fermat haystack enthusiastic sixtieth grasp constraint calamitous garish schroedinger lesotho excess chaplin doubt” my “exact digit aptitude electro cinch bawdy gin hebephrenic pancake fulton myrrh firearm galloway beer blasphemy passenger defecate phantom choir girlish murky anorthosite”–there’s far too much fermat haystacking going on of exact digital aptitudes in this country as it is! (That’s what’s wrong with this world today–too many people don’t respect exact digit aptitudes as God made them.)

So enough already!