My kitties are a metaphor for social change

Snow Crash, the tabby cat, is not an extropian.

We’ve spent the majority of the week moving–an experience which is, for most cats, traumatic. We’ve relocated from a three-bedroom apartment to a one-bedroom apartment–and we had too much stuff to fit in the three-bedroom, so, as you might imagine, the new place is rather a wreck.

Snow Crash has spent much of the past week in hiding. He quickly learned to open the cabinet beneath the sink in the bathroom, and there he has stayed, hiding from the frightening and overwhelming upheaval in his environment:


Molly, on the other hand, is having a ball. She loves very little more than exploring new places, and the new apartment, with boxes piled to near-ceiling height everywhere, has given her endless little nooks and crannies to explore. She’s had a blast poking her nose into, under, over, around, and through everything she can find, and just to make things even more delightful, it all keeps changing! Every time we come into the new place with another armful of boxes, we rearrange stuff and there’s more to explore! If she could have her way, I’m sure she’d have us move twice a month. I don’t think Molly has stopped purring since we took her over.


According to the Myers-Briggs theory of personality types, the majority of the population, by a wide margin, is “Guardian” personalities. Guardians, the theory goes, are people who favor consistency, conformity, rules, order, and continuity in all things. Guardians are uncomfortable with change, particularly social change; fond of hierarchy; and feel threatened when things stop being like they were. A Guardian is the personality most apt to say things like “We do it this way because that’s how it’s always been done.” Far rarer are personality types which embrace and even thrive on change, which discard systems that don’t work well and refuse to cling to them merely because they are traditional.


Now, you may argue that the Myers-Briggs personality types are flawed. The granularity is poor; there’s a lot of overlap within the personality types…whatever. Be that as it may, there are clearly people in the world who favor continuity over function, who feel threatened by change, who prefer safety and stability even when that stability comes at a cost to others; and there are people in the world who embrace change, who seek to improve the way things are done, who look to drive society forward, technically and socially. And no matter which way you slice it, these two philosophies are inherently incompatible.


America in the dawn of the 21st century is a bad time and a bad place for social conservatives.

On the surface, this may seem like a wonderful time to be a social conservative. The conservatives dominate all aspects of American politics; Fundamentalist Christianity, and the rigid, dogmatic inflexibility that accompanies it, is so powerful that the American president is among its number; the political party to which he belongs has become little more than an extension of the ultraconservative religious right, and has openly embraced and championed the causes of social conservatives. A good time to be a conservative indeed.

But do you feel that? That vibration underfoot? Bet you thought that was the enormous, unstoppable juggernaut of conservative zeal passing by, right? Wrong. That’s a seismic shift. That’s tremendous pressure building up along the fault lines of American social politics. That’s the earliest warning signs of an approaching earthquake that will rearrange the landscape in ways that many people don’t have even the slightest idea about…at least not yet.


You can already see some of it coming. The skirmishes being fought right now over gay marriage, over polyamory, over the asinine and intellectually bankrupt doctrine of “intelligent design,” these are the opening salvos in what will be a long, bitter war whose outcome is already decided.

Every single time the Guardians have waged war against social change–every single time, from the days of Galileo to the end of slavery, from the civil rights movement to women’s suffrage, every single time the Guardians have lost. Change is inevitable. Social progress is inevitable. No matter how many times we go down this road, the result is always the same–the people who have been denied their full and complete participation in society at large win in the end. Always. Gay marriage? Get used to it; it’s going to happen, just as surely as the end of slavery. This is a story we’ve seen before, and no matter how the forces of tradition may scream and fight (and plant bombs and drag people behind pickup trucks), anyone with any understanding of society already knows how this story will end.

And in the grand scheme of things, it’s nothing, really. It will make as much difference as the elimination of ancient and bigoted laws barring mixed-race marriage made–society, if that’s all that changes, continues on more or less as it was before, despite the inane squawkings of a few indignant traditionalists. The sky didn’t fall when women started voting, the world didn’t end when blacks married whites, and the universe won’t collapse when men marry men or women marry women–by and large, it’s just not really going to change all that much.

But that’s only the tip of the iceberg. The social conservatives who fear gay marriage, polygamy, and the teaching of evolutionary theory are missing, as they often do, the real upheaval.

Snow Crash is not an extropian.


Snow Crash is not an extropian. It’s hard to be an extropian when you fear change. Extropians and transhumanists generally have noticed something that other people have missed–the technological and social change gripping the world right now, the shifts in society and gender and economics and politics that are fuelling wars and creating redefinitions in the most basic institutions of Western society, these aren’t like other changes. These are the tip of the iceberg–because now as never before in human history, technology is changing in ways that are increasingly rapid and increasingly unpredictable. We’re nearing the really bendy part of the exponential curve, the part where things start getting really, really interesting.


We like to think we’re advanced. We like to think the Information Age is a marvelous new thing, that we’re enlightened and advanced far beyond those poor primitive savages who lived, oh, a hundred years or so ago. In reality, this is nothing like the truth. The most advanced technology we possess today is still embarrassingly primitive, still just a notch or two up from flint knives and bearskins. Our ability to make things is still horrifically crude, wasteful and inefficient, little more than increasingly sophisticated variants on the same old primitive themes we’ve been using since far before the Industrial Revolution. But that’s changing, and if you think that wars for oil and social chaos because a couple gay men in San Francisco want to marry each other are a big deal, you ain’t seen nothing yet.


Back in the 1800s, the official stance of many religions was that black people did not have souls. This was a socially convenient stance, because if these people didn’t have souls, then they weren’t really people at all; the thing that separates man from the lesser animals, it was reasoned, was possession of a soul, so if black people didn’t have souls, then that cleared the way for exploiting them the same way one might exploit an ox.

It was all bullshit, of course. Wasteful, appalling, immoral, costly bullshit that required a major war and at least two civil rights movements to fix. But let’s think about this for a moment. If we find it so easy to deny personhood to an entire class of people based on the color of their skin, imagine how easy it will be to deny personhood to an entire class of people based on the fact that they are birthed outside a womb. Or uploaded into a machine. And if you think these things are impossible sci-fi fantasies, you’re not paying attention.


In the past, social change has generally meant changes in religious traditions, or changes in civic arrangements, or changes on political or economic structures–prompted, usually, by changes in technology. We’re on the horizon of changes in what it means to be human–changes in how we see ourselves, changes in how we think about the very things that separate us from other animals, changes in those things which differentiate us from every other form of life we know about. And oh, my God, is that going to make people upset.

We are social beings; we live in a social landscape every bit as real and relevant as the apartment my cats are in. Right now, we are where the cats were a couple weeks ago–a few little things are changing, stuff is disappearing from the shelves and cardboard boxes are appearing on the floor. Something’s up. We have an advantage over the cats, though; they could not possibly hope to anticipate the cataclysmic rearrangement of their lives that was coming, whereas we can, if we have the wit to do it, look ahead and see that these things are signals of a greater change than we might imagine, and see that our entire environment is about to be turned upside-down.

Most people fear this. Most people can’t even handle the idea of a trivial rearrangement to what the word “marriage means, much less complete redefinition of what the word “human” means.

Snow Crash is not an extropian. Molly, though, very well might be. And there’s a lesson in there.

Snow Crash was, and still is, traumatized by the move. Molly could not possibly be more delighted. The move was inevitable; neither one of them could have done anything to stop it. But one of them is happy and the other is not, and the choice about which to be is a choice we can make.

Shelly argues that you don’t have to be a neophile to be a transhumanist. That may be so, but it certainly helps. And in times like these, those of us who embrace change, who welcome it and adapt to it, have an enormous advantage over people who don’t.

First night in the new apartment!

Don’t have everything moved over yet–we’re lacking such essentials as dishes, the bed, and furniture–but the broadband Internet is up and running. Boo-yeah!

God, I have problems…

Working on an ad for a client, and I just read the text “Replaces black iron channel and clips” as “Replaces black iron channel anal clips.”

Black iron channel anal clips… hmm.

Some thoughts to keep in mind when you’re taking over the world

Brainwashing the masses to do what you want them to do is a tricky business, as Shelly observed last night. The subconscious mind is simple and extremely literal; you don’t want to brainwash people with messages that require any sort of high-order cognitive processing, and if your subliminal messages require interpretation, God knows what kind of weird results you’ll get once the subconscious mind finishes with your message!

For example:

Good brainwashing message: “You want to go to the island.” Simple, direct, no real interpretation necessary.

Bad brainwashing message: “You want to be a good consumer.” Danger, Will Robinson! You’re leaving it up to the subconscious to decide what a ‘good consumer’ is and how to be one. There ain’t no telling what kind of behaviors you’re going to get from this one.

And for the love of God, never, ever include metaphor, analogy, or similie in your brainwashing messages! *shudders*

Here ends the public service message of the day.

Unintentional geek humor

So, I saw a post on a technical forum I read about a user who’s been having weird problems with his Mac OS X system. You see, in an effort to make his computer faster, he set up a RAMdisk, then told the system to use the RAMdisk as its virtual memory swap space.

Fifteen geek points to anyone who just read that and either winced or started laughing.

Some musings about security in relationship

So what is it that makes one person secure in a relationship, and another person not secure? Why is it that some people are perfectly fine with the idea of their partners having lunch with, romantic relationships with, or mad passionate sex with another person, while some people would rather be shot multiple times in a drive-by than see that happen?

It’s too easy just to say “Oh, some people are jealous.” That’s a non-answer. Whenever I hear someone say something like “Oh, I could never do that, I’m a jealous person,” it sounds as nonsensical as saying “Oh, I’m a hungry person” or “Oh, I’m a tired person.” Jealousy is an emotional response; to say “Oh, I’m a jealous person” and to let it go at that is to treat it as if it is some fixed, immutable thing we are powerless over, like saying “Oh, I’m a Western European person” or “Oh, I’m a dark-haired person.” In fact, scratch that–many people seem to feel they have more control over the color of their hair than over their emotional lives!

Now, there are certainly plenty of people in the world who do indeed feel unhappy and insecure if their partner spends time with someone else. There are many reasons that someone might feel this way, of course; insecurity, low self-esteem, a feeling of being expendable or interchangeable, a feeling that one’s needs are not important to one’s partner, feelings of being marginalized or trivialized.

Some of these, such as low self-esteem, are internal. Low self-esteem in particular is a real bitch, especially when it comes to relationships; I’ve seen many people cling to their low self-esteem like drowning men cling to a piece of driftwood, refusing to give it up. It’s self-reinforcing, because it creates a sense that you’re not valuable and thare are many people in the world who are better than you are, so you best not let your partner be with any of them, or best make sure you’re in control of the situation. The thought of giving up the low self-esteem is terrifying, because if you give up your low self-esteem, then it might be okay for your partner to spend time with another person–and you don’t want that to happen, because it makes you feel insecure! Hence, you don’t want to give up the low self-esteem, because giving it up means that you may face situations which…trigger your low self-esteem.

Some of these are external. There really are people who shouldn’t be comfortable if their partners express an interest in someone else; there really are people who treat their partners as expendable and interchangeable, and who aren’t concerned with taking care of their partner’s needs. Many “free agents” in the poly community behave in ways that don’t exactly inspire confidence in their lovers; some behave as if they barely recognize the differences between them at all.


Okay, so there’s nothing new in any of that. We all know this already, right? Behave in a way that doesn’t acknowledge the needs of your lover, and your lover may not feel secure in your relationship. Behave with indifference to your lover, and your lover may not feel secure in your relationship. Behave as if your lover is the flavor of the day–“Ooh, you’re so cool, I dig you, I’m so glad we met, I totally lov–oh, look, potato chips!”–and your lover may not feel secure in your relationship. This isn’t really rocket science.

But what happens if you flip that coin over and look at the other side?

There are people in the world–I’ve met more than a few–who have a strong sense of self, a robust sense of security, who are in partnerships with people who are sensitive to their needs and treat them well, yet who still seem plagued by insecurity in their relationships. I’m not talking about people who simply aren’t polyamorous; there are secure people in healthy relationships who are just monogamous, and that’s the end of it. No, I mean people who seem to be secure in themselves and have partners who treat them well, yet seem insecure in their relationships all the same. So what’s the difference?


Conjecture: Putting your partner’s needs first, putting your partner’s happiness before your own, doing everything you do in your relationship for the sake of your partner, can also cause your partner to be insecure.

Reasoning: Now, this doesn’t seem to make intuitive sense at all; if your partner is respectful of your needs and consistently puts your needs ahead of his own, it wouldn’t seem like this should breed insecurity. Just the opposite, in fact; a person in a relationship with someone who has a consistent track record of making his happiness the most important thing should feel secure, right? But bear with me here.

Let’s say Alice and Bob are in a relationship, and Alice consistently puts Bob’s happiness ahead of her own. Alice genuinely wants to make Bob happy; in fact, this is her first priority in all matters great and small. Alice has always done everything she can to make Bob’s needs her first concern. Could you reasonably expect Bob to feel secure with Alice?

I think the answer is “no.” Every human being does have needs; a romantic relationship where one person’s needs are important and another’s are not isn’t sustainable, even if it’s the choice of the person whose needs are being neglected.

But it gets worse. If Alice has never made her needs or her happiness a priority, and has never stood up for the things she wants, then it’s entirely possible that Bob doesn’t understand her needs, and because of that has no idea how to make her happy. Alice’s self-sacrifice backfires, because by not standing up for her needs, she has denied Bob the opportunity to meet them. Can Bob make Alice happy in their relationship? Bob has absolutely no way to know; he has no handle on what Alice needs…and indeed Alice herself may not have a handle on her needs! When the day comes that the relationship becomes unsustainable, when Alice must start considering her own happiness…what then? Bob doesn’t have the tools to make Alice happy; if some situation comes along which DOES make Alice happy–even if it’s a situation Alice herself could not have foreseen or anticipated–the Bob may very well lose Alice, and the poor guy never had a chance.

The dangers of putting your own needs ahead of everyone else’s are pretty obvious, really. Being a selfish prick isn’t a good relationship strategy, and I think most reasonably people can easily see why.

But the reverse–putting your partner’s needs ahead of your own–is a dangerous game as well. There comes a point where you must stand up for your own happiness, and defend the things you need and want; if you do not, your partner may be left with no idea what those things are, and no idea how to make you happy.

Were I in a relationship with someone I did not know how to make happy, I do not believe it would be possible for me to be secure in that relationship–even if my lover did everything in the world for me. Reciprocity in a relationship is more than just fair; it’s the very thing that gives the people involved the tools they need to make one another happy. It’s very important for me that my lover stand up for her happiness, and be able to assert herself and ask for what she wants. If I know what she wants, I may or may not be able to provide it–but if I don’t know what she wants, I don’t have the most basic tools I need to make her happy, and if I cannot make her happy, I can never really trust that she will stay.

Pro-poly bumper stickers!

Some time ago, in response to the popular “Marriage = (man) + (woman)” bumper stickers some right-wing conservative religious groups have been handing out, I designed a poly-friendly version of the same thing. A bunch of people have asked me when I’m going to make the bumper stickers available for real, so I’ve finally gotten off my ass and done it.

The bumper stickers are available from my small Cafe Press store. If you click on the picture below, you’ll go right to the bumper sticker itself:

(Note that the URL is not part of the actual bumper sticker design and does not appear on the bumper sticker.) There are a handful of other poly-related things on the Cafe Press store which I can’t actually screen print myself.

A quick list o’ linky-links

Both links from the same person, over on Blogspot.

First, The President and Intelligent Design:

I just have to say to my conservative friends … listen, I don’t want to hear SHIT when this comes back to bite us in the ass. When you’re watching your children rocket downward through the Brave New Working Classes from gamma through delta straight to the epsilons, not a word. When the leader of your party turns his back on science, the product of God’s 2nd greatest gift to us, reason, when he turns from the very process which brought so much progress and prosperity to this land and encourages those would so eagerly toss aside rational thought itself … gah, never mind voting Democrat: if my choice were between these cowards who would turn back the Enlightenment and anal-probing yet intellectually honest Martians, I would grit my teeth, vote for the Martians and learn to visualize my Happy Place during my Probe-Center appointments.

And secondly, I Miss Republicans.

Remember Republicans? Sober men in suits, pipes, who’d nod thoughtfully over their latest tract on market-driven fiscal conservatism while grinding out the numbers on rocket science. Remember those serious-looking 1950’s-1960’s science guys in the movies — Republican to a one.

They were the grown-ups. They were the realists. Sure they were a bummer, maaaaan, but on the way to La Revolution you need somebody to remember where you parked the car. I was never one (nor a Democrat, really, more an agnostic libertarian big on the social contract, but we don’t have a party …), but I genuinely liked them.

How did they become the party of fairy dust and make believe? How did they become the anti-science guys? The anti-fact guys? The anti-logic guys?

Good stuff, all of it.

Some thoughts on partnership

A couple of weeks ago, I got an email from someone who’d read my BDSM pages on my Web site. He said he’d been married for twenty years, had always wanted to explore and experiment with BDSM, but had never shared this with his wife or told her about any of his fantasies.

Now, I get a lot of emails like that, and my response is always the same: “Tell her! You can’t expect to get what you want if you never ask for what you want.”

About three days later, I got another email from the same person, who said “I told my wife I wanted to explore BDSM, and she said that she had always wanted to do the same thing, but never told me. In fact, before we met, she was active in the BDSM community.”

Now, I get that response rather often, too–you’d be amazed how many people, after finally working up the courage o share their deep dark secret (whatever it may be) with their partners, hear “Oh, yeah? I’ve always wanted the same thing!”

But still. Twenty years. Twenty years these people were married, and they never told the other person about their fantasies and interests. Twenty years. Twenty… YEARS.

Jesus Christ. Twenty years???!! What the hell have these two been talking about for the last two decades? The weather? The TV show “Friends?” How do you spend two decades in an intimate relationship with someone, and never once talk about what you want your sexual life to look like?