So, as many of you may already know, today is Global Orgasm Day–a day in which we can all show our fundamental unity by getting off.

Now, don’t get me wrong here. I’m strongly in favor of orgasms. I mean really strongly in favor of orgasms. I like a good orgasm–or two, or three, or seventeen–as much as the next guy, and probably rather better than most. The idea of a “Global Orgasm Day” sounds great to me.

In fact, dare I even say it, I think that maybe a Global Orgasm Day shows a certain failure of imagination. I might humbly suggest a Global Orgasm Week, or–hell, let’s be wild!–even a Global Orgasm Month.

But the idea that there is some kind of “science” behind the Global Orgasm Day, and that this Global Orgasm Day can make the world a more peaceful place? C’mon.

I mean, here it is, right from the Web site:

The Global Consciousness Project (http://noosphere.princeton.edu), runs a network of Random Event Generators (REGs) around the world, which record changes in randomness during global events. The results show that human consciousness can be measured to have a global effect on matter and energy during widely-watched events such as 9/11 and the Indian Ocean tsunami. There have also been measurable results during mass meditations and prayers.

The Zero Point Field or Quantum Field surrounds and is part of everything in the universe. It can be affected by human consciousness, as can be seen when simple observation of a subatomic particle changes the particle’s state.

We hope that a huge influx of physical, mental and spiritual energy with conscious peaceful intent will not only show up on Princeton’s REGs, but will have profound positive effects that will change the violent state of the human world.

Seems to me someone’s been drinking too much Kool-Aid. I mean, seriously. This half-baked, lame-ass, uneducated, superstitious gobbledygook is what people these days call ‘science’? Jesus Hypothetical Christ on a three-legged camel! Someone’s started spouting quantum physics without actually, y’know, learning anything about quantum physics. If this is the sort of rubbish that the common man (or woman) on the street actually accepts as “science,” then I fear for the future of us all.

Look, orgasms are good. Orgasms are fun. I daresay orgasms can even change the world; if Bill Clinton woke up every Monday knowing he was going to get a blowjob from Monica the following Wednesday, seems to me he’d be less likely to put his finger on the button that blows us all to smithereens on Tuesday.

But, c’mon. There’s no need to wrap orgasms up in this ridiculous dressing of pseudoscientific babble and ridiculous nonsense in order to justify them. Orgasms don’t need validation. There doesn’t have to be this notion of “saving the world” to make an orgasm fun and healthy. Orgasms are fun! They are not quantum events that are going to unify to change the energy vibration of the global fucking energy field or some such bullshit; they’re just fun! Go out, get off, don’t wrap it all up in this pathetic junk-science rubbish!