Movie review: Prometheus

I had been waiting for Prometheus for months. As the day grew closer and closer, I was more and more excited. Ridley Scot? Directing a prequel to Alien, the movie that traumatized me for decades? Starring Noomi Rapace and Charlize Theron? Oh, yes please.

When the day came, zaiah and I stayed up just so we could hit the midnight show; the thought of waiting even another minute, let alone another day, was so absolutely painful that I’d almost rather sign up for a North Korean labor camp than wait.

So you can imagine my disappointment when the movie turned out to be a rambling, shambling mess, filled with implausible characters doing inexplicable things for incomprehensible reasons. As my friend zensidhe recently pointed out, there’s only one character in this entire disaster of a movie whose motivations for doing anything he did are even the least bit comprehensible or consistent, and that’s only because he’s a fucking robot.

So I’m not going to do a review of this movie. Instead, I’m going to turn this space over to a guest writer–namely, the version of me from an alternate universe, one where Prometheus was a very different movie indeed. Take it away, alternate me!


Hi! This is the alternate-universe version of Franklin. I’ve been asked to do a movie review of Prometheus, because apparently the one in your universe kinda sucks. From the sound of it, it came out really, really late, too. In my universe, Prometheus went into production in 2001, when Ridley Scott and James Cameron decided to co-write a prequel to the Alien franchise. It first ran in the summer of 2003, where it topped the box office charts for fifteen straight weeks, until it was edged out by the second Dr. Who movie, The Oncoming Storm.

Prometheus is a kick-ass movie, one of the best science fiction movies outside of the Culture movies. I have it on Blu-Ray and on holographic disc. The movie goes something like this:

The movie OPENS, with scenes that have nothing to do with ARCHAEOLOGY, CAVE PAINTINGS, or a BUFF ALIEN DRINKING BLACK GOOP AND THEN DISINTEGRATING INTO A RIVER

Sinister Weyland-Yutani Dude: We’ve discovered evidence of sapient life on other planets. We have assembled a spacecraft and crew to investigate. We promise our motivations are pure and our intentions are strictly honorable. Charlize Theron, will you lead the crew?
Charlize Theron: Certainly! What could possibly go wrong?

Charlize Theron and the crew of the Prometheus HEAD OUT to investigate the ALIEN CIVILIZATION

Charlize Theron: Wow, this alien species is very advanced!

The SINISTER WEYLAND-YUTANI DUDE does something UNSPEAKABLE

Charlize Theron:

Something REALLY BAD HAPPENS. People DIE. It SCARES THE HELL out of the AUDIENCE. We learn NEAT THINGS about the origins of the XENOMORPHS.

Charlize Theron: Holy crap this is a bad situation.

The situation gets WORSE.

Charlize Theron: Wow, I had no idea the xenomorphs could do THAT!

We learn about the origin of the SPACE JOCKEY during Charlize Theron’s daring ESCAPE

Audience: Man, that movie rocked!

That’s all I have time for. I’d write a longer review with more details, but we’re talking about a 9-year-old film here. Besides, the season eleven finale for Firefly is about to start, and I don’t want to miss it.

Movie Review: Snow White and the Huntsman

As a kid, I never got a lot of exposure to all the usual Disney fairy tales. Most of what I know about them is through cultural osmosis; I know that Rapunzel has long hair, Sleeping Beauty had to be wakened by a prince, Cinderella is the one who ridea round in a gourd and is inattentive of her footwear, Bambi is the one whose mother got killed, and so on. But the finer details of the storybook princesses are largely lost on me; they're kind of a blur in my mind. One of them has something to do with a spindle, but I'm not sure which one, or why. I had thought that the poisoned apple was a Sleeping Beauty thing, but apparently that's not the case. Is Rapunzel part of the same story with Rumpelstiltskin in it? I'm not quite sure.

So when we walked into the theater last night, I was more nearly a blank slate than the average bear. I knew only the sketchiest outlines of the Snow White story–that it involved dwarfs and a mirror–but that's about it.

I am not, therefore, terribly qualified to speak as to whether the reboot is a better story than the original. I'm not quite sure about the whole scene where James T. Kirk almost runs his car into a giant canyon that has, for some inexplicable reason, opened up in the middle of Iowa, but…oh, wait, sorry, that's a different reboot I'm thinking of.

What movie was it I was going to talk about? Oh, right, Snow White. The one with the evil queen in it. (Aren't there other evil queens? I seem to recall an evil queen in Sleeping Beauty, at least. Or am I confused?)

The movie goes something like this:

Good Queen: I just pricked my finger on a rose that was growing out of season. That gave me an idea. We should have a baby!
Good King: lol wat?
Good King Okay.

The GOOD QUEEN and the GOOD KING have a CHILD, who they name PRINCESS SNOW CINDERELLA RAPUNZEL.

Prince From Another Castle: Hey, Snow Rapunzel Sleeping White, do you want an apple?
Princess Sleeping Rapunzel Beauty: Sure!
Prince From Another Castle: Psych!
Princess Sleeping Cinderella: I have found a bird with a broken wing.

Princess Cinderella Beauty looks at the BIRD with INNOCENT WIDE-EYED WONDER.

Good Queen: We will take care of this bird.

They TAKE CARE of the BIRD.

Good Queen: My work here is done. I think I'll die now.

The Good Queen DIES.

Good King: Wait, what?
Cut for spoilers

Movie Review: The Avengers

Okay, so I don’t really do comic books. By which I mean I really, really don’t do comic books. (I do like Watchmen, but that’s, like, totally different because it’s a graphic novel and not a comic book, and stuff, which is different because of reasons.)

I walked into the theater with my sweetie zaiah, her husband, their daughter, a gigantic barrel of popcorn, and a prayer of hope that Joss Whedon wouldn’t let me down. After all, he gave us Firefly, right? Man’s got mad skills.

As it turns out, the Avengers movie is more an ode to the special effects technician’s art than to the storyteller’s art…but then again, it is based on a comic book. Or a bunch of comic books. Or comic book characters, or something, I’m really not quite sure.

The movie goes something like this:

The scene opens at a SECRET BASE. Lots of people are RUNNING AROUND in a PANIC.

Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: There are lots of people running around in a panic. What’s up?
Distracted Scientist Dude: Sir, it’s the plot device! Our instruments show that it’s generating 38% more plot than it was before. If this keeps up, there may be no place in this movie to escape the plot!
Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: Did you try turning it off?
Distracted Scientist Dude: Yes! It keeps turning itself back on!

The PLOT DEVICE emits a sudden surge of PLOT

Loki: Hi! I’m Loki.
Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: Drop your staff.
Hawkeye: It’s okay, sir. He’s Loki. He’s a mischievous trickster god who likes playing games but isn’t usually actively evil. If we ignore him he will probably get bored and go away.
Loki: No, that’s the other Loki. I’m the whiney, kind of annoying narcissist who wants to destroy the world and then take it over, or something.
Hawkeye: Oh, sorry, my mistake.
Loki: Hey, don’t sweat it. Happens all the time.
Cut for spoilers…

Movie Review: The Hunger Ga^w^w^w Prometheus

Traditionally, Friday is Date Night between zaiah and I. There are certain rituals and traditions we have associated with Date Night, some of which I shan’t go into here, as I fear they may upset those of you with more…delicate sensibilities. One of those traditions which I feel it is safe to discuss is the tradition of watching a movie on Friday.

Usually, this means Netflix, as watching a first-run movie every week would require taking out another mortgage on the house. Occasionally, this means going to the cheap theater for a second-run movie and pizza, which a couple of weeks back is where we saw the Americanized version of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, a remake of a Swedish film that was less than half as abominable as I had any right to expect. (As a matter of fact, it was quite good, and even improved on the original in a couple of minor ways…and the original is one of my favorite movies, and a movie I have seen many times.)

This week, we decided to see a first-run movie; namely, The Hunger Games. We made this decision based on two criteria: first, it looks for all the world to be a perfect film to enjoy after an afternoon of extraordinarily kinky sex; and second, zaiah‘s daughter has been bugging us to see it, on the grounds that the book version is her favorite story of the moment and she wanted to speak freely gush enthusiastically about it without worrying about spoilers.

When we went into the theaters, gentle readers, I will confess I had no idea what to expect. I’d vaguely heard of the film, in the sense that I knew its title, but nothing else about it at all.

And then it happened.

They showed us trailers in front of the movie.

For Prometheus.

Which is Ridley Scott’s prequel to Alien.

Which has had a larger impact on my life than any other movie ever committed to film.

Because I saw it one month and two days after turning ten years old.


The movie Alien has been a fixture in my life from a very young age. What I mean by that is that the movie Alien has given me nightmares for approximately two-thirds of my entire life.

I am not quite sure what my parents were thinking, to be honest. In most other regards, they raised me pretty well, and I will thank you in the back there to stop that snickering. However, what on earth would possess otherwise fine, decent, upstanding, tax-paying, non-serial-killer-being grown adults to take a ten-year-old boy to see the movie Alien is quite beyond your humbler chronicler. I say without the slightest trace of exaggeration or hyperbole that it gave me nightmares for more than thirty years, and yes, that does date me.

Seriously. No shit. That movie gave me nightmares for Thirty. Fucking. Years. I can recall one particular occasion, back when I was still working pre-press in Tampa, when I and a buddy of mine were alone in the building, I was tasked with the job of running some film through the automated processor. This basically means carrying a large canister into a room that is pitch black save for the softly glowing readouts on the displays of the automated film processing equipment. And on this particular night, a wandering opossum, I shit you not, fell through the ceiling with quite a loud crash.

It took my coworker and I a couple of hours to catch it. Most of the pursuit was very Keystone Kops, truth be told–the two of us running around through the film strippers’ territory with a big plastic trash can…you don’t want to know. But the bit when it fell through the ceiling? The nightmares had been going into remission then. After that, they came back with redoubled vigor.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Prometheus.

I had planned to write a review of The Hunger Games. Instead, I am going to write a review of Prometheus.

Now, I can hear your questions already. “The movie comes out in June,” you say. “This is only April. You clearly haven’t seen it. How can you write a review of it?”

To that I say, “pish-posh.” It makes no difference if I write the review after I’ve seen it, for I will be just as qualified then as I am now, considering that I am likely to have my hands in front of my face for the entire thing. And yes, Gentle Readers, I am going to see it when it comes out.

So, without further ado…

On with the review!

Cute Female Scientist: Look! We’ve discovered something interesting in these abandoned ruins! Many ancient civilizations on Earth have drawn the same pictograph, even thought they had no contact with each other. And look, it’s a star map!

The Weyland-Yutani Corporation: We would be happy to sponsor an expedition to see what’s up with that.

Audience: Oh, fuuuuuuuck. This isn’t going to end well.

Ridley Scott: It’s a motherfucking Alien prequel. What, you expected My Little Pony?

Sinister Weyland-Yutani dude: I work for the company. But don’t let that fool you. I’m really an okay guy.

Cute Female Scientist: Let’s go!

Captain: We’re here!

They find some REALLY CREEPY STUFF.

Other scientist dude: Man, this is some really creepy stuff.

Yet another scientist dude: I’m getting life signs down there.

Some guy who’s totally insane: Let’s go investigate!

Something REALLY BAD HAPPENS.

Crew of the Prometheus: Something really bad has happened. We need medical attention here.

Something REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD HAPPENS.

The movie GOES BLACK, as I put my HANDS in front of my EYES and curl up into a FETAL POSITION.

Someone on the CREW starts SCREAMING HORRIBLY and DIES.

One of the scientists: Oh, fuuuuu–

Something REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD HAPPENS.

One of the crew: Wait! I have an idea that could keep this from turning any worse than it already has, and might even save some of us!

The SINISTER WEYLAND-YUTANI DUDE does something UNSPEAKABLE.

Surviving crewmembers: Oh fuuuuuu—

Something EVEN WORSE happens.

People do HEROIC THINGS. It DOESN’T HELP.

Me: Oh fuuuuu–

I have NIGHTMARES for THIRTY MORE YEARS.

Ridley Scott: Pwn3d j00!

By the way, The Hunger Games rocks. Go see it.

Movie review: Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Hollywood is awesome. Hollywood serves an important role in society, by warning us of the many dangers that bedevil mankind. For example, Hollywood teaches us that if we create artificial intelligence, it will kill us; if we genetically engineer potatoes, they will kill us; if we build self-determing machines, they will kill us; if we make contact with extraterrestrial intelligence, it will kill us; and, most recently, if we uplift another species, we will all die horribly.

Which, at least in the latter case, is not necessarily that far off the mark, as two or more organisms competing for the same ecological niche generally results in what biologists like to call “a bit of a sticky wicket.”

However, the fly in the ointment of this particular Hollywood trope is that there are currently just south of seven billion human beings on the planet, making us one of the most populous species of vertebrates in the whole history of ever, and therefore a rather difficult adversary to unseat.

Plus, we have, like, machine guns and cell phones and stuff.

Fortunately, Hollywood screenwriters are up to the task of disposing of such trifling little technicalities with the flick of a plot twist. Unfortunately, they aren’t up to doing it well. The end of Rise of the Planet of the Apes had me screaming “EPIDEMIOLOGY, MOTHERFUCKERS! DO YOU SPEAK IT?” in my best Samuel L. Jackson voice (which, truth be told, isn’t really that good), but still…EPIDEMIOLOGY, MOTHERFUCKERS! DO YOU SPEAK IT?

The movie goes something like this:

A group of CHIMPANZEES is chilling in the FOREST
CHIMPANZEE: Ook?
A bunch of MACHETE-WIELDING PEOPLE capture the CHIMPANZEES and ship them to a SCIENCE LAB for UPLIFTING
CHIMPANZEE: Ook?
An UPLIFTED CHIMPANZEE solves a TOWER OF HANOI PUZZLE slower than a COMPUTER but faster than a FOX NEWS COMMENTATOR
MAD SCIENTIST: Check that out! An uplifted chimpanzee can solve that puzzle! Faster than that dude on Fox News! How cool is that?
RESEARCH DIRECTOR Can we make money? Because I’d really like to make money. I drive an expensive German car. Money is cool.
MAD SCIENTIST: An uplifted chimpanzee! Solving a puzzle!
RESEARCH DIRECTOR Money?
MAD SCIENTIST: I can totally cure Alzheimer’s.
RESEARCH DIRECTOR Cha-ching!
Cut for spoilers; click here for more!

Movie review: Cowboys & Aliens

Okay, so I admit it. I am a tool of Hollywood. Every now and then, a movie comes out which I know I will see, despite the fact that my higher self is screaming at me in disgust and loathing for even considering the prospect.

Like the new Star Trek reboot, for example. I went to see it knowing it was going to be a travesty, and I was right. When the sequel comes out, I will see it, too, even though I know it’s going to be a disaster of a movie and I’m probably going to detest the whole shambling thing.

I saw the latest incarnation of the Indiana Jones saga adventure money machine, expecting it to be bad, and it turned out to be even worse than I could ever have dreamed. And if another one comes out, I’ll probably see it, too (and say snarky thins about it on my blog).

It was with that feeling I went to see a cheap matinee of Cowboys and Aliens.

It’s a gritty Western in which a rugged group of cowboys in a small Western town take on a rampaging group of aliens with spaceships and stuff. With a premise like that, how could it possibly go right? I mean, seriously, think Battlefield Earth for a prime example of what this idea is likely to lead to.

I was surprised.

And pleasantly so, which is a bit of a rarity. (That’s one of the downsides of being an optimist; an optimist is almost never pleasantly surprised.) The plot–there was one! I’m totally using that word non-ironically!–was surprisingly strong, and the move really was a whole lot better than it had any right to be. All it really needed was dialog, and it’d have been awesome indeed.

The film goes something like this:

COWBOY #1 wakes up in the middle of a DESERT
COWBOY #1 looks around with a STEELY GAZE
COWBOY #1: Hm.
COWBOY #1 looks at a GIZMO locked onto his WRIST with a STEELY GAZE
COWBOY #1: Hm.
COWBOY #1 hits the GIZMO with a ROCK. It FAILS to FALL OFF
COWBOY #1: Hm.
COWBOY #1 hits the GIZMO with a ROCK AGAIN. It still FAILS to FALL OFF
COWBOY #1: Hm.
Cut for spoilers; clicky to read more!

Fragments of Frolicon: Spontaneous Drag King Shoots

Operation Wifebeater (or, as some of us call it, Operation Drag Franklin Down To The Dungeon And Double-Team Him) was such a success that upon our return to Orlando, joreth and emanix decided that an encore was in order.

Well, of the outfits, at least. There’s only so much your humble scribe can take, after all.

In any event, I had the opportunity for a quick photo shoot outside joreth‘s house, which was quite a lot of fun, and went rather well, I think.

Yeah, you all wish you were me, I know you do.

I took quite a number of pictures, which you can click here to view.

We interrupt this stream of travel-posts for a very important message

I don’t normally consider movie reviews as a form of public service bulletin, but in this particular case, I have to make an exception.

zaiah and I just went to see the movie “Skyline,” based only on its tailer on Apple’s Web site. The trailer promised spaceships and space monsters and global invasion and cool aerial dogfights and stuff, so we figured, how could we go wrong? Other than, y’know, Independence Day. But that’s neither here nor there.

Elsewhere in my journal, I have occasionally said bad things about other movies. I take them all back–and heap them on this one. Compared to this disaster, Independence Day is Faust. Hell, compared to this disaster, a badly-edited cell-phone recording of a bunch of grade school kids doing an impromptu production of 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall in the back of a 1977 Chevy panel van on their way to Six Flags is Faust.

I literally can not remember the name of a single character in this movie.

There are spoilers below. You can skip them if you want to. I recommend that you read it anyway. I’m about to save you at least ten dollars.
Click for the Horror

Movie review: Inception

Just got back from watching the new Leonardo DiCaprio movie “Inception.”

Now, normally I like Leonardo DiCaprio movies about as much as I like using rusty razor wire as dental floss, and then following it up by gargling gasoline. While it’s on fire. Plus, the previews made it look like it’d probably end up being visual candy that went nowhere.

But everyone I know who’s seen it raves about it, and so Zaiah and I decided to go see it, Leonardo DiCaprio notwithstanding.

As near as I can tell, the entire point of the movie is a cockwaving fight with Michael Bay, of Transformers fame. In fact, I bet the conversation went something like this:

Michael Bay: I am going to make a movie filled with explosions.
Christopher Nolan: I am going to make a movie filled with explosions.
Michael Bay: I will have car chases in my movie.
Christopher Nolan: I will have car chases in my movie.
Michael Bay: I will have cars that unfold into giant killer robots.
Christopher Nolan: I will have an entire city that folds up into an M. C. Escher piece, with strange and bizarre rules of gravity.
Michael Bay: I will have a hot chick in my movie.
Christopher Nolan: I will have a hot chick in my movie, who is smart, courageous, insightful, strong-willed, and creative.
Michael Bay:
Michael Bay: I will film scenes on location in the Middle East.
Christopher Nolan: I will film on location in Monaco, Japan, Canada, France, and England.
Michael Bay: My movie will be about giant killer robots blowing things up.
Christopher Nolan: My movie will be a surprisingly intelligent, thoughtful introspection on the nature of perception and reality, that also works as a meditation on loss, grief, guilt, and remorse.
Michael Bay:
Michael Bay: I don’t even know what you just said.
Christopher Nolan: I will make a movie that will work on a number of different levels: as a straight-ahead knuckle-biting action-adventure flick, as a study in surrealism, as a character drama, or as a piece on the healing value of catharsis and self-determinism.
Michael Bay: My movie is based on children’s toys.
Christopher Nolan: My movie pays homage to everything from The Matrix to Donnie Darko to the James Bond books, with a nod to the classic cyberpunk notion of corporate multinationals that act like sovereign states and wage wars with their own teams of corporate hit men.
Michael Bay:
Christopher Nolan: And my movie will weave different layers of reality together seamlessly.
Christopher Nolan: Plus, in my movie, the things that happen during the car chase in one reality will affect the things that are happening in the other realities in strange ways.
Christopher Nolan: And I will do it without resorting to any easy storytelling gimmicks.
Michael Bay: Ooh! Easy storytelling gimmicks!
Michael Bay: I will have car chases in my movie!

Iron Man 2 in a Nutshell

I tried to avoid seeing this movie, really I did. Alas, in the end my own human weaknesses undid me; I was invited to it by a cute girl (and her boyfriend) and we all know the rest.

Iron Man 2 is a very Marvel Superheroes story–by which I mean bland, predictable, non-threatening, conservative, and more or less badly writte. The story goes something like this:

WARNING! Plot spoilers below!

Anton Vanko: I can teach you to make an arc reactor out of snow and empty vodka bottles.
Ivan Vanko: Cool. (He FEEDS his BIRD)
(Anton Vanko DIES)
Ivan Vanko: Nooooooooooooooo!! Do not want!
(He FEEDS his BIRD)
(He makes an ARC REACTOR out of SNOW and EMPTY VODKA BOTTLES)
(He EMPTIES some more VODKA BOTTLES)
(He FEEDS his BIRD again)
Tony Stark: Yo! You love me, I love me, let’s party!
Tony Stark’s Medical Gizmo: LOL surprise buttsecks. You are dying of palladium poisoning!
Tony Stark: Oh, crap.
Science Consultant: Wait, what? Palladium is an inert metal, like gold and platinum. It isn’t tox–
Jon Favreau: STFU.
Gwyneth Paltrow: I look like crap in this movie. Plus, I’m boring. And I have the charisma of a dead fish. What happened to my career? I used to do cool, quirky movies like Sliding Doors and Shakespeare in Love.
Tony Stark: I will make you CEO of my company.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Okay.
Tony Stark: I like Scarlett Johansson.
Garry Shandling: Give us the Iron Man suit.
Tony Stark: No.
Garry Shandling: Yes.
Tony Stark: No. I created world peace!
Audience: Wait, what? You’re just one guy. You mean to tell me that people who aren’t afraid of an aircraft carrier are afraid of just one guy?
Jon Favreau: STFU.
Tony Stark: I hate Justin Hammer.
Justin Hammer: I hate Tony Stark. Plus, I’m lame.
Tony Stark: I like car races.
Ivan Venko: I like car races.
(Ivan Venko WALKS ONTO THE RACE TRACK and CHOPS UP CARS)
(Tony Stark’s Driver RAMS IVAN VENKO with an ARMORED LIMOUSINE)
Tony Stark: Give me the suitcase!
Gwyneth Paltrow: No!
Tony Stark: Hit him with the car again! Break his legs!
Ivan Venko: You will not break my legs.
Tony Stark: Hit him with the car again! Pulverize his pelvis!
Ivan Venko: You will not pulverize my pelvis.
Tony Stark: Hit him with the car again! Break his back!
Ivan Venko: You will not break my back.
Tony Stark: Wait, what? Why?
Ivan Venko: Because this movie has PG rating.
Hit-Girl: My movie Kick Ass has an R rating. By this point in MY movie, I’ve killed more people than Mr. Blonde in Reservoir Dogs, and I’m, like, eight years old or something.
Jon Favreau: STFU.
Tony Stark: Give me the suitcase!
Gwyneth Paltrow: No!
Tony Stark: Give me the suitcase!
Gwyneth Paltrow: Okay.
(Tony Stark takes the SUITCASE, which unfolds and unfolds and unfolds into an IRON MAN SUIT)
Dr. Seuss: You TOTALLY stole that effect from my Star-Bellied Sneetches machine.
Tony Stark: Now I will kick your ass.
(Tony Stark FAILS to kick Ivan Venko’s ASS)
Tony Stark: Nice try. If you would have rerouted the turboencabulator through the main deflector dish, you would totally have pwn3d me.
Ivan Venko: Hello! My name is Ivan Montoyavich. Your father killed my father. Prepare to die.
Tony Stark: Did not.
Ivan Venko: Did so.
Tony Stark: Nuh-uh.
Ivan Venko: Uh-huh.
(The dialog WEDGES for a while, like a last-minute rewrite done by a summer intern in CRAYON)
Tony Stark: This dialog sucks. I’m out of here.
Justin Hammer: I will give you a bird if you give me Iron Man suits.
Ivan Venko: I will give you Iron Man suits.
(JUSTIN HAMMER gives IVAN VENKO a BIRD)
Ivan Venko: I will not give you Iron Man suits.
Justin Hammer: Wait, what?
Ivan Venko: I will give you killer robots.
Justin Hammer: Okay.
Tony Stark: Is this party jamming or what?
Gwyneth Paltrow: No.
Tony Stark: Is this party jamming or what?
Don Cheadle: No.
Tony Stark: Is this party jamming or what?
Scarlett Johansson: No.
Samuel L. Jackson: Stop eating donuts.
Tony Stark: Okay.
Samuel L. Jackson: Join my team.
Tony Stark: No.
Samuel L. Jackson: Scarlett Johansson is hot. Join my team.
Tony Stark: Her costume needs more cleavage. No.
Scarlett Johansson: This is a PG movie.
Tony Stark: Crap.
Samuel L. Jackson: You need me.
Tony Stark: Do not.
Samuel L. Jackson: Do so.
Tony Stark: Do not.
(The dialog WEDGES again)
Samuel L. Jackson: This dialog sucks. I’m out of here.
Howard Stark: I totally knew fifty years ago that you’d get blown up in the Middle East, end up with shrapnel in your heart, and then surgically implant an arc reactor in yourself. I have the secret to stop you from dying of palladium poisoning.
Tony Stark: Cool.
Howard Stark: Also, I’m Walt Disney.
Tony Stark: Wait, what?
Howard Stark: Anton Vanko helped me invent the arc reactor. I kicked him out of the country because he wanted to make money.
Audience: Wait, what? Aren’t you, like, a bajillionaire industrialist?
Howard Stark:
Tony Stark: Tell me the secret so I don’t die.
Howard Stark: No. I’ll just put a bunch of hidden clues in this big model train set. I sure hope nobody throws it away.
Tony Stark: I brought you strawberries!
Gwyneth Paltrow: I hate strawberries.
Scarlett Johansson: See me radiate an air of mystery and cunning, like Adam Sandler radiates fart jokes?
Tony Stark: Awkwardly, with bad comedic timing?
Scarlett Johansson:
Scarlett Johansson: Yes.
Tony Stark: I don’t like your paperweight.
Gwyneth Paltrow: I like my paperweight.
(The dialog WEDGES again.)
Gwyneth Paltrow: This dialog sucks. I’m out of here.
Scarlett Johansson: This dialog sucks. I’m out of here.
Tony Stark: Hey, look! An old model train set!
(Tony Stark cuts his HOUSE in half with a PARTICLE ACCELERATOR)
Computer Voice: You just created a new element.
Audience: *facepalm*
Science Consultant: Compound. Not element. Compound.
Tony Stark: I just cut my house in half with a particle accelerator. I can call it what I want, four-eyes!
Michael Bay: I want to cut a house in half with a particle accelerator! And then make it EXPLODE!
Megan Fox: You are SO lame. Who do I have to blow to get off of the cast of Transformers 3?
Justin Hammer: Give me killer robots.
Ivan Venko: No.
Justin Hammer: Give me back my bird.
(He TAKES Ivan Venko’s BIRD and his PILLOWS and his SHOES)
Ivan Venko: I’m going to enjoy watching you die, Mr. Hammer.
Justin Hammer: I’m not going to die. PG movie, remember?
Ivan Venko: Crap.
Justin Hammer: Love me, love me.
Crowd of people: You are SO lame.
Justin Hammer: I have killer robots!
Crowd of people: Cool.
Tony Stark: ‘Sup.
Don Cheadle: Yo.
(The KILLER ROBOTS go crazy. They shoot BOMBS and ROCKETS and stuff. Nobody DIES.)
Justin Hammer: I totally didn’t see that coming.
Audience: We totally did.
Scarlett Johansson: Driver, take me to Justin Hammer’s place. I will get undressed in the back of the car.
Driver:
Scarlett Johansson: You can’t see my tits. This is a PG movie.
Driver: Crap.
Scarlett Johansson: Too bad. They’re magnificent.
The Internet: We know.
(Scarlett Johansson KICKS a bunch of people’s ASSES. Since this is a PG movie, they all live.)
Scarlett Johansson: Hey Tony, there’s another killer robot chasing you.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: That’s no killer robot, it’s a space station!
Ivan Venko: I will kill you now.
Tony Stark: Nuh-uh.
Don Cheadle Nuh-uh.
(Tony Stark and Don Cheadle HIGH-FIVE and knock Ivan Venko over)
Ivan Venko: I will blow up myself and all the killer robots and I will kill you and Gwyneth Paltrow and thousands of other people.
Tony Stark: Nuh-uh. This is a PG movie.
Ivan Venko: Oh, cra–
(He BLOWS UP)
Gwyneth Paltrow: I don’t like being CEO.
Tony Stark: Let us have a romantic moment full of bad chemistry and awkward dialog, like Padme and Anakin in that one Star Wars movie.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Okay.
(They have a ROMANTIC MOMENT filled with BAD CHEMISTRY and AWKWARD DIALOG)
Gwyneth Paltrow: This sucks. I’m calling my agent. I need to get out of this movie.
Tony Stark: Too late. Movie’s over.
Gwyneth Paltrow:
Tony Stark: How do you think I feel? I’m a womanizer who never gets laid and a killing machine who never kills anyone.
Don Cheadle: That was the worst romantic interlude I’ve seen since that one Star Wars movie. I’m out of here.
Audience: So are we.