The life of a sociopathic British secret agent isn’t what it used to be. Time was when you could expect that evil supervillains bent on making doomsday weapons from their space lab in space could be counted on to invite you in for dinner, explain the entirety of their sinister plan to you, and then concoct some ridiculously over-the-top way to kill you while they conveniently absented themselves from the room to deal with pressing matters elsewhere.
Alas, times change, and even the most dense of today’s modern supervillain has become wise to the various flaws in this otherwise cunning course of action. Previous James Bonds have had the luxury of knowing that the supervillains they faced, while no doubt quite super and unparalleled in their villainy, were perhaps a few bricks short of a deck in the “dealing with British secret agents” department.
And so a new James Bond was needed. A tougher James Bond. A more resourceful James Bond. A James Bond with a steely gaze.
And that James Bond is back for another romp through the gardens of man’s inhumanity to man in the delightful little movie Spectre, featuring car chases, explosions, sinister villains, fluffy Persian cats, acting, plot, and dialogue.
The movie goes something like this:
RANDOM HOT WOMAN: Oh, James, ravish me! Ravish me now!
DANIEL CRAIG: Hm.
DANIEL CRAIG takes off his SKELETAL COSTUME and goes out the WINDOW onto the ROOF OF THE BUILDING in pursuit of a MAN IN A DIFFERENT SKELETAL COSTUME that is NOT THE SAME as DANIEL CRAIG’S SKELETAL COSTUME
MAN IN THE DIFFERENT SKELETAL COSTUME: Let us blow up the stadium and then go see the Pale King, because we are villains in a James Bond movie and so we can not assume that our co-conspirators know what we’re conspiring about and we need lots of exposition to establish that we’re the bad guys.
RANDOM BODYGUARD: There is a man listening to us from the top of the roof outside our window. I think he may be James Bond.
MAN IN THE DIFFERENT SKELETAL COSTUME: Well, shoot at him, then! Isn’t that what I pay you for?
A bunch of people shoot at DANIEL CRAIG
DANIEL CRAIG: Hm.
DANIEL CRAIG shoots the BOMB they wanted to use to BLOW UP THE STADIUM. The entire building CRACKS and then FALLS OVER onto DANIEL CRAIG, who fixes the crumbling building with a STEELY GAZE
DANIEL CRAIG: Hm.
DANIEL CRAIG slides through the CRUMBLING WRECKAGE and lands on a CHAIR, then pursues the MAN IN A DIFFERENT SKELETAL COSTUME through the streets of MEXICO CITY
MAN IN THE DIFFERENT SKELETAL COSTUME: James Bond is chasing me! Meet me in the square!
A HELICOPTER lands in the SQUARE and picks up the MAN IN THE DIFFERENT SKELETAL COSTUME. DANIEL CRAIG fixes the HELICOPTER with a STEELY GAZE and then HOPS ABOARD. They have a WILD FIGHT. The helicopter goes UPSIDE DOWN
DANIEL CRAIG: Hm.
DANIEL CRAIG steals a RING, throws everyone else OUT of the HELICOPTER to their GRUESOME DEATHS, and then FLIES AWAY into the SUNSET