I had been waiting for Prometheus for months. As the day grew closer and closer, I was more and more excited. Ridley Scot? Directing a prequel to Alien, the movie that traumatized me for decades? Starring Noomi Rapace and Charlize Theron? Oh, yes please.
When the day came, zaiah and I stayed up just so we could hit the midnight show; the thought of waiting even another minute, let alone another day, was so absolutely painful that I’d almost rather sign up for a North Korean labor camp than wait.
So you can imagine my disappointment when the movie turned out to be a rambling, shambling mess, filled with implausible characters doing inexplicable things for incomprehensible reasons. As my friend zensidhe recently pointed out, there’s only one character in this entire disaster of a movie whose motivations for doing anything he did are even the least bit comprehensible or consistent, and that’s only because he’s a fucking robot.
So I’m not going to do a review of this movie. Instead, I’m going to turn this space over to a guest writer–namely, the version of me from an alternate universe, one where Prometheus was a very different movie indeed. Take it away, alternate me!
Hi! This is the alternate-universe version of Franklin. I’ve been asked to do a movie review of Prometheus, because apparently the one in your universe kinda sucks. From the sound of it, it came out really, really late, too. In my universe, Prometheus went into production in 2001, when Ridley Scott and James Cameron decided to co-write a prequel to the Alien franchise. It first ran in the summer of 2003, where it topped the box office charts for fifteen straight weeks, until it was edged out by the second Dr. Who movie, The Oncoming Storm.
Prometheus is a kick-ass movie, one of the best science fiction movies outside of the Culture movies. I have it on Blu-Ray and on holographic disc. The movie goes something like this:
The movie OPENS, with scenes that have nothing to do with ARCHAEOLOGY, CAVE PAINTINGS, or a BUFF ALIEN DRINKING BLACK GOOP AND THEN DISINTEGRATING INTO A RIVER
Sinister Weyland-Yutani Dude: We’ve discovered evidence of sapient life on other planets. We have assembled a spacecraft and crew to investigate. We promise our motivations are pure and our intentions are strictly honorable. Charlize Theron, will you lead the crew?
Charlize Theron: Certainly! What could possibly go wrong?
Charlize Theron and the crew of the Prometheus HEAD OUT to investigate the ALIEN CIVILIZATION
Charlize Theron: Wow, this alien species is very advanced!
The SINISTER WEYLAND-YUTANI DUDE does something UNSPEAKABLE
Charlize Theron: …
Something REALLY BAD HAPPENS. People DIE. It SCARES THE HELL out of the AUDIENCE. We learn NEAT THINGS about the origins of the XENOMORPHS.
Charlize Theron: Holy crap this is a bad situation.
The situation gets WORSE.
Charlize Theron: Wow, I had no idea the xenomorphs could do THAT!
We learn about the origin of the SPACE JOCKEY during Charlize Theron’s daring ESCAPE
Audience: Man, that movie rocked!
That’s all I have time for. I’d write a longer review with more details, but we’re talking about a 9-year-old film here. Besides, the season eleven finale for Firefly is about to start, and I don’t want to miss it.